Hello, I'm New Here

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Thatgirl, Jan 19, 2014.

  1. I'm thatgirl, 47 yo baptist from texas. Have been a baptist since childhood and saved at the age of 13. I have been away from my lord the last few years. I went through a horrible divorce 3 years ago. My ex husband had become a drug addict and after years of battling with trying to get him away from that lifestyle he finally left us and we haven't heard from him since. I have 3 children, am lucky enough to have a good career and I am trying to raise my kids the best way I know. I never lost my faith but I ceased going to church, but recently I have heard his call, finally answered and now I am trying to get my spirituality back.

    I met a man 2 years ago, he was recently divorced, a previous Pentecostal minister who had made some bad decisions in his life and had left the church and lost his marriage. Like me, he never stopped believing in god he just wasn't going to church.

    We fell in love and up to a couple of months ago we were talking marriage. After the first of the year he returned to his church and that is a wonderful thing. Seeing him so different gave me the faith to seek the church again.

    My issue is how our relationship is now. I feel entirely excluded from his spirituality. He hasn't invited us to his church we just aren't included it seems. He says he is working on some issues that he needs to fix. And marriage seems off the table at this time and I am not sure when that point will come. I am uncomfortable staying in a long term relationship without plans for marriage, to me that is not setting a good example for my children.I feel like we should do this together, as a committed couple. But he seems to only want to see me on the weekend, totally avoid me wens and Sundays and I'm not handling it very well.
    Am I wrong to want to be a part if this life changing transition?

    I feel so lost.
    Thank you for reading.
  2. Hmmmm...

    Not liking the sounds of this; if you are 'physical' with him-stop it. Be in a state of 'courtship'. I am thinking this won't end well for you if you are being alienated from his 'other life'....
  3. Thank you. I have ceased physical contact. He tells me he loves me. He tells me he is trying to be a better father and a better man. That if he doesn't address these issues they will cause problems later. He asks me to be patient.

    But I am conflicted, it's like he's ashamed of me somehow. Like I'm not worthy somehow. I don't understand that. I don't understand him taking this spiritual path and leaving me out of it. It doesn't seem right.

    I think it would be best for me to cease contact. As much as that hurts bc I love him so much. Guess I will become a file labeled "sins committed"

    I will continue to hold on to my faith, reastablish my spirituality with my savior . I will continue to pray for gods will in my life.
    Thank you.

    ank you
  4. Hate to say it but 'rebound' comes to mind. From what little I know of your situation I would say the guy was never really serious/ sincere with your relationship.

    Get into a local Church where you hold similar faith beliefs and rely on God to provide any future relationships. He got what he wanted from you, I am sorry to be so blunt-but that is my impression at this point.
  5. We discussed this tonight, and I told him of my plans to limit contact and continue to cease any physical contact. I asked for his complete honesty about why he never asked me to visit his church when I am supposed to be his partner?

    He confided he speaks in tongues , dances and shouts and yells during worship. He knew that since I was baptist I wasn't familiar with that and he was afraid of it upsetting me or the kids or that he wouldn't feel comfortable doing that around us. He said he was just getting used to doing it again and wanted to wait abit before he introduced me to it. I do admit that may freak me out a little but simply bc I am not used to it. But I don't see it as an unworkable issue. My issue is more how to coexist in our respective religions if we do ever decide to marry?

    I also asked for his complete honesty about whether he was really serious about us. He said he was and that if I felt we needed to continue to have no physical contact then that was ok with him and he agreed with my reasons for asking it. He said he knew it was what we needed to do. I will give him one point, I had totally let him go, gave him the opportunity to just walk away. But he didn't take that offer.

    I remain conflicted, I am going to let go and give this to god. I will continue to date him without physical contact, although I will be spending less time with him than I was before. I will attend his church on occasion to experience
    e it, but most of all I'm going to worship my lord in my faith and pray for his will on my life to be done. Let go and let god.
  6. Word of advice: don't be unequally yoked-especially in faith. It is up to you if you want to compromise that.
  7. It might be wise to put the relationship on the back burner for awhile, so to speak. What Brother_Mike_V said about unequally yoked is also very true. Keep praying to God, find a church that builds you up as a Christian and continue with your life. Just from what little you've said, you two don't sound entirely compatible. He seems to have some serious issues to deal with right now. Take care and God bless you. I'll say a prayer for you.
  8. I do believe there are some serious issues on his part. I am strongly feeling the need to just let it go. Stop the insanity, stop the worrying, stop it all.
    I will attend church with my kids and pray for his will in my life. I'm not sure where that is. When I think I have my ducks in a row they all waddle off, lol.
    Thank you all for the replies, I so appreciate it.
  9. I agree with Brother Mike and gbeecher. Maintaining a good relationship is difficult when "unequally yoked". I believe the question you need to answer is: "Is he bringing me closer to God or farther away?".

    I always tell my collegiate group that they don't have to attend our church. I would rather have them attend another church if that church brings them closer to Christ.

    Hope that helps :)

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