Heartache After A Horrible Break Up.

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by bradman, Jul 11, 2013.

  1. Hi everyone, It's been close to a year since I had the worst break up of my life. At times I feel like I'm doing well and sometimes I just break down. Let me tell you my story and please keep me in your prayers.

    I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. I met my ex around 22/23 years old. She was 20. We dated for close to 3 years. Last year around this time was when she broke up with me. This past year has been without doubt the hardest emotionally and spiritually I have ever experienced.

    We met in college, I had been praying for a Godly girlfriend for years and wasn't really looking for one. When I first met her she had a boyfriend. I didn't talk to her much at all. Then we had another class together and she came up to me and we started talking. I learned she was new to the area and I invited her to my church. Well we started talking a lot and went on some exercise runs. Her and her boyfriend broke up (they lived states apart and had been having trouble) and of course she turned to me. I was already head over heels for her though. We started officially dating a month or two after they broke up ( a 3 year relationship) I was new to serious relationships and didn't realize how fast everything happened. He tried to get her back and she wouldn't. There were a few times earlier on though when she did contemplate it and we almost broke up so she could be single..However, either I or herself talked her out of it anytime it happened. I found out as well she wasn't a christian but was very open to learning about it and coming to church. I felt God had led me to her possibly as an answer to my prayer and to lead her to Christ.

    Things started off great or so I felt. We were in love. We did everything together. Her parents weren't christian and I was allowed to stay over at there house anytime, which I did a lot (ill get to this later) We were best friends and more. She started talking about marriage, how much she loved me and wanted to be with me and I bought it all hook line and sinker. We had more classes together and I became really close to her and her family, her dad was more of a father to me than my own. I even helped him often with his local business. I dreamed of ways to propose to her and in my mind was convinced we were always going to be together. She always fueledd this as well. Always sending me texts, leaving notes and talking about how great I was and how much she loved me and how lucky she was to have me etc etc etc. I'm not making excuses but this was my mind set. We started to let sin into our relationship, I was weak and she was used to it from her ex.(she was not a virgin and I was at the time)

    Several months went by and I led her to Christ. Months later I was able to baptize her at a local church, she wanted me to instead of the guy doing it. We both drew a lot closer to God and stopped sinning like we were.I know i had made a lot of mistakes. Things seemed to be going great. Marriage and love seemed all around us. I loved being with her and she me. A year went by and we were both still in school. At the time we were both going for Nursing, I was working in a hospital and realized I just didn't have what it took to be a Nurse. This caused me to go into a slump. I didn't really know what to do with my life. I was working and taking classes but that was about it.

    Several months went by like this and she was still going the nursing route, taking the prereqs and what not. I was taking a lot of general classes and I did get my General Associate degree that would transfer. I was still struggling to figure out what I wanted. One day we were at my house, her mom calls her and tells her to come to their family owned business and help her close it up. I thought nothing of it and told her I would see her soon. Little did I know that event led to a chain of events that would utterly lead to the end of it all.

    She called me 20 minutes later, "Brad, your going to be mad" I was in shock and confused. "My ex boyfriend and his bestfriend are here" "They drove down from NH" So many emotions filled me. We had been together over 2 years at this point, they had talked on and off at the start but had gone NC for around a year or so I thought. I asked what was going on and she told me her mother was making her go to dinner with him and his friend and I was invited ( her mom said she had to be mature and do this) I was furious. This guy was recently single and showing up un-invited (to my knowledge, who knows?) and now was going to dinner with his ex? I told her I wasn't going and couldn't. It seemed so disrespectful to me. I was so angry. Her mom called me and reassured me for around 20 mins that it was just a casual dinner and I had nothing to worry about they knew our relationship was strong etc etc. I didn't worry much at first, I did trust her fully.

    A few hours went by and I hadn't heard from her, then several more. It was around 12am when I finally met her at her parents house. Her and the ex and friend had been catching up since around 5pm. What was supposed to be dinner, turned into dinner, going back to her parents business and talking then her showing them where there hotel was (guess they can find there way to TN from NH but not the hotel) there she talked outside the hotel for awhile. I was furious when I found out she was at the hotel but she told me to meet her at her house (instead of going to the hotel I met her there).

    We had a huge talk and it went back and forth from me upset to her reassuring me and saying she was upset too and didn't like it. He went away the next day and I thought it was all over. 2-3 weeks later two days before her family and her and I were supposed to go on vacation. She calls me and says its over. I remember just crying on the ground when I knew. I truly loved her more than she will ever know. She said she needed time to be single and didn't have time for me because of Nursing school (it woudn't be fair to she said). I begged and pleaded (weak i know) and tried to talk her out of it. She went on to the beach and we talked some while she was there. I then learned she was talking to her ex.

    Quite a lot. She then told me she still had feelings for him and didn't know if she ever really loved me or it was just she was in love with the idea of marriage. I was destroyed inside. I learned her best friend who I had introduced her to and told her she should be with him because she had seen her eyes light up when he called her (apparently they had talked and I didn't know about it) I was devastated in learning all this. Hurt and confused I didn't know what to do.

    I went over to her house to get my stuff. We had a huge talk, both cried. I got my last kiss from her. She then told me she loved me very similar to the way she loved him. My heart couldn't take it. She kept talking to him and he was telling her all kinds of things, they were working out if they could get back together and i was kept on the back burner. This was all within 2 months of being broke up. She learned I was talking to another girl(this girl I met at church and we had gone through similar experiences with breakups and she was giving me advice on what to do.)

    My ex learned we were talking and told me that if I gave her 6 months she would let me know if we would be back together and she said we most likely would. (how do you need 6 months to figure out if you want to be with someone you have dated for close to 3 years?) Meanwhile she would keep talking to her ex and we would only hang out as friends (as if I could do that).. I was tired of being a second choice and as much as it killed me. I started dating the other girl. In my mind I was giving my ex a chance with him(she seemed to so want, her true love) and to see what she did and i was casually dating this other girl. Well my ex gf got furious and stopped talking to me. The new girl and I started dating. When my ex learned of this. She dropped out of nursing school and moved back up to NH to be with her ex. I was still crushed inside and was in no place to be in a relationship. I'll just say the new girl and I didn't last but 5 months. I got extremely sick with Mono. That didn't help either. I missed my ex terribly. The new girl, while awesome, just wasn't her.

    My ex blocked me off facebook, changed her number and had all her friends delete me. Her boyfriend and her now have moved back to my town and they both work for her father, he took the job I was training to have. He basically took my life. I still love her to this day..the last thing she said to me was to never talk to her again. I truly truly believed God had led me to her for her to be my wife. I never believed something was from God so much in my life.

    Now I sit here alone, while there off with there happy lives. By the way he isn't a christian. She has fallen right back to where she was before I met her. They live together in their own apartment( while I slept over at her house some we never went that far) and I'm sure they will be engaged soon. Any advice or words of encouragement are greatly appreciated it. I can't let her go and it's killing me. I pray daily for God to help me and send me someone else when the time is right.

    Thanks for reading and God bless, to anyone reading this..please don't make the same mistakes I have. Nothing but pain comes from them. (Part one me wonders what would have happened if I gave her the 6 months, I just couldn't do it. It hurt so bad knowing she was talking to him while I loved her so much.) I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship so early, like I said I was confused, scared and so upset. It all happened so fast.. Be careful and always pray about everything.
  2. You know, when you are at the bottom of the sea and you're running out of breath, you eventually have to let go of the bag of rocks. They've gone off and made their own lives. He did not take your life, however much it may resemble the one you had envisioned for yourself. It is time for you to let go of this because it is preventing you from moving on with your own life. By fixating on your ex, you are preventing yourself from engaging life in a productive and enriching way.

    Yeah, I know, breakups are miserable. Been there, done that. But this door apparently is closed. Some people would suggest that, if the door is closed, you climb in a window, but that's just basically breaking and entering. Focus on getting your life together - career path, educational path, stable job and living situation, engagement in the Body of Christ, stable relationships, stable health, etc. At some point in there, you're likely to run into a lovely lady who is, herself, stable. I would hate to think that you would still be so tied to your past relationship that you could not fully appreciate that new relational opportunity. She will not be your ex, and that's a good thing.
  3. Hey thanks for replying. Yeah I've been trying to better myself. Been hitting the gym hard and I'm doing better. I just really loved her and yeah you know the rest. I def. don't fixate on her sometimes I just miss it all. I'm praying and relying on God.
  4. I had a very painful breakup once as well that was hard to get over. But, later, when I met the woman that was God's choice for me, I realized what I would have missed out on if I had married the other woman. My advice would be to learn from the mistakes you made, put God first, and trust Him to bring you to His choice for you. In my situation, I found that he was working things out for my good, even though I didn't realize it at the time I was hurting.
  5. thanks for the advice!
  6. God for sure has a perfect plan for you. Keep praying. Sometimes people learned the hard way. In HIS time, HE will give you someone that will take away the pain and sadness that your ex gave you. Dont be in a hurry. God Bless You.
  7. Hi Bradman.

    Yes, know the feeling. Going through it myself ATM.
    As the saying goes though, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
    It's been a year for me. Hasn't got much easier.

  8. Hey Bradman,

    Sometimes it is not always straightforward - and its not meant to be. The sum of all our experiences here on earth, lead to an ultimate path that would have only happened because of those experiences.

    I have heard it said, that sometimes things are sent your way to protect you from harder things. For instance, you have hurt really badly from this, and suffered all sorts of emotions, from embarrassment, betrayal (her family and herself especially), the whole nine yards.

    I just want to say, from this, you are likely going to make better choices, and be determined to follow God at His word in the exact way He wrote it. And who knows, there might be a good wife left there.

    I want you to trust in the goodness of the Lord. A verse in the bible goes 'though He is angry, who knows He might turn around and leave a good thing'. Its a paraphrase. But I love it because yes, you probably made the wrong choice being intimate (trust me, it twists perfectly formed relationships when out of marriage). But here you go. Glass half full?

    Your still young, your gorgeous, your healthy, you love God - you have a looooot left buddy. I just know, that if you give all your pain to God, and cry out with all your heart. And talk as much about it with Him - something good, something new will come out of this. Your healing will come.

    And you know what buddy - because you are so baaaaad?! I just know, you will continue living your life faithfully to God. And you will be humble whilst the two prowl in front of you and even get married if they want to. You are so bad that you will hold your head up and have a peace, a stillness, that comes from no other. Who knows, he probably came back to her for the wrong reasons - just saying. Wish them well, health and happiness and I PROMISE YOU GOD WILL SORT YOU OUT MATE.

    How do I know all this? A guy who pursued me for 10 years and I finally said yes (big mistake). He had a girlfriend and even 2 kids - I went ahead because I thought he must have loved me to chase me for ten years (poor judgement, and being intimate corrupts your stance and clarity in ways - outside of marriage). To cut a long story short I ended up pregnant, in a foreign country. the papers had failed and the same person that claimed to love me, paid a first class ticket and gave me about 1500 US to return to my country. The shame, of coming home without anyone to show for - pregnant.

    It was sooo rough for me. I remember feeling so jealous, that they were in their happy cosy little home, expecting the 3rd child (same time round about as I was expecting too). He could rub her tummy and I was all ALONE. I have NEVER felt so bad as I did then.

    He denied me to my mum. And said I wrecked his family, that I knew he was married. He turned around and made it seem like I was the evil one. Meanwhile, I only offered him a place because he was desperate and constantly drunk due to his 'bad marriage'. I now know he used this to get me into bed.

    I have learnt that things done outside of God's way yield pain. I paid my part.

    But today?! Oh I am thriving! God is sooooo good. I gave my life back to Him 100%. Its been 5 years, and I chose to do things His way. To tithe, go to church actively, be pure. And the blessings of obedience are OUT OF THIS WORLD BUDDY.

    And now, he wants me back? I have experience that want to go back to a relationship that didn't work out, they are A. escaping from the hard truth. B. they want revenge C. they cant make it there so they look for another "second best option"

    You and I are too great to be anybody's "Options". Never prioritise someone to whom you are just an option i'm sure you've heard. Those 6 months? its good you never went forth.

    You are worth mooooooooooorrrrrrreee than that. You don't deserve someone who has to see first if you are worth it. Get someone who will go the whole way. And I know they are there buddy. Trust Christ. Sometimes it gets dark before it gets better. My best buddy got married to the love of her life, after preserving her body for ALL her life. A Christian godly spouse I tell you. But what she went through before meeting this guy? was soooooo unbelievable.

    I know there is a lot of good coming your way. You are destined for great things.

    Re claim your position of Kingship in Christ. The real Mighty, Valiant Warrior of God that you are.

    You are a King.

    Own It.

    your allright buddy. You doing fine.


    Mercedes Benz E Class.
  9. #9 Wendy555, Dec 1, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2013
    Hi Bradman,
    I have just read your story now, and I feel sad for you that you were stuck on this girl. I can really understand why she did what she did. It sounds crazy, I know, but I can see her actions.

    I have just come out of quite a devastating break up (that God is leading me through) only 6 weeks ago - so I know that pain. What has surprised me about your story about this girl, is that firstly, she really doesn't seem to possess a lot of qualities that are prime for what we should be looking out for in a person that we want to marry. I see selfishness, inconsideration, hurting other people to get what she wants. It doesn't seem like she understands love. She doesn't understand her own worth in God, and she is throwing herself away like pearls to the pigs. Her love comes across as fickle and changing depending on how much attention she can get from the next person. Her love seems to go no deeper than infatuation - even though she may have appeared like a very deep person, that deepness was real, but self-serving. All her motives, as far as I can see, are coming from a very superficial place.

    She broke up with you on a whim!!! Things were great, she sees her ex for a few hours, and turns everything upside down. Come on! Howz about some genuine-ness! (I'm all for people being genuine).

    How could she ever expect you to wait for her for 6 months? That is her keeping the door open for you guys to get back together, just in case it doesn't work out with her new guy - that is why she is angry with you - cos you closed the door. And the mere fact that that caused her to become so emotional about your reaction shows that in her current relationship with this guy she ran off with, that she is even not being totally faithful to him. So, in a respect, is it any consolation, that at least you are the other guy now, and not the guy that she is being unfaithful to in her heart (cos to Jesus, that is just as bad)? Did she keep the door open for her ex as well? Were they communicating behind your back? What kind of girl is this that you wanted to marry? It seems to me that she needs some serious prayer.

    Her actions are so completely untrustworthy.

    I think you are still in your 20's, and you may not realize that we all wise up in 10 years or so, and people that run around in relationships like she has are eventually avoided like the plague. Believe me, you don't want to be in her shoes if she carries on this way. She is setting up a lot of loneliness and great unhappiness in her life unless she stops now. Girls that mess around with people's hearts like that always land up being old, bitter, maids - cos now that I am older, us girls know that guys actually do talk about women, and word gets around. She will reap what she sews. And again I say - please pray for her soul! Pray that God truly brings her to the light.

    You on the other hand are such a fantastic guy. I wish there were more guys like you out there. How amazing to hear that you wanted to commit, share your life with one woman, be faithful - and OMG you were even willing to give up physical intimacy to be right with the Lord - Bless you Bradman!!! these are beautiful and rare qualities in a man - and as time goes on, women will swoon at your feet, christian or non-christian.

    I know it is hard to walk away from someone you love so much, and you feel that they are right for you, and you love so many things about them - and that they are unique and that you will never be with someone like that ever again... I have been going through that myself, but, this girl is just playing you. And she is playing a dangerous game with her own life.

    It's crazy. She knows what she is doing, but she doesn't realize she is doing it to try to fill that empty space that only Jesus can fill. She can't turn her back on him forever and think that she can do it her own way and live happily ever after.

    And it seems to me (cos I'm also a girl and get this stuff) the reason she is doing it is because she needs the affirmation of her own amazingness, and a back up plan. I bet you, Bradman, she doesn't even really know who you are inside. She was probably so self absorbed through your relationship that she did all the right stuff, but only cos it served her, she listened to you, but probably never actually felt the words in her soul. It's like she was there, but intangible.

    Sorry, this was long, but I really needed to shed some light on your story. I hope this helps you to understand. Most of us girls really don't like the type of girl that you are describing. Some nasty words come to mind that I wont use here that we use to describe them. We allow them in our space, but we never allow them to be friends - that in itself should put a big warning tag up for you. Pray, pray, pray that God will release her soul from this bondage. Pray for her complete freedom in Christ. Her soul is more important than all of this other stuff.
  10. Thank you all for the kind words. Thank you for the encouragement. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my story. I'm determined to have good come out of this..I have had some positive changes in my life come about from it and working on more everyday.

    I agree with Merc. and Elfy about how her characteristics. Recently her best friend (the one I introduced her to and took her side when all this went down) contacted me crying..It turned out My Ex(who is now engaged) had cut her from the wedding..She was devastated and knew I was the only person who could possibly relate. She apologized to me and told me how my Ex had freaked out on her best friend (and to no surprise) had replaced her in the wedding with her new boyfriend's sister. She was heartbroken in a similar way as me. I felt sorry for her truly.

    She told me a lot of things about what my Ex had said to her family/friends after we broke up..and more recently she was bragging to her friend about the time she saw me at the mall with her boyfriend..I was with my friend who knew her and they walked by and she only said Hi to him..didn't act like I even existed. I was so mad and hurt..and to have her friend tell me how she was bragging to her about it..it opened my eyes even more..In another twist of fate..I randomly work with his mother who just moved down here..she got a job at the high school I work at..so I see his mother on a daily basis.. lol..

    Keep praying for me friends..I'm growing in my life and still have a lot of pain..However I'm drawing closer to God and will continue to live my life and look forward. Thank you all again
  11. Elfinity has this spot on, my brother.

    I know it's not much of a consolation, but Mercedes has it right, too. If you are only AN OPTION for someone, you don't want to be "picked" after a sampling process.

    I know it hurts, but I think God did you a favor. He spared you a lifetime of hurts in a marriage there would have been no real honorable way out of.
  12. Bradman, you were silly from the beginning. You went for a girl that was unsaved. You may as well stick a kick me sticker on your back. Christianity 101 = marriage is very important to God = most likely the first place the devil will attack / attempt to destroy those who love the Lord. The person you marry affects you, your beliefs and children....and you want to gamble with an unsaved person who doesn't love or know Jesus in this day and age? You can never trust someone accepting the Lord when you are using coercion.

    No offence to you, but there are millions of cases like yours. Having read far too many, a common trend is that the Christian / person who loves the Lord / good person always gets hurt....duh?

    It is up to the Christian to use their God given brain!!!!! and wait on God for the right person. Our spouse can come from either God or the devil. They either love the Lord or hate Him...duh? If she was not saved / did not love Jesus initially...who do you think sent her to you?

    Stop moping and feeling heart broken. Acknowledge you made a mistake, were foolish to give your heart to someone who is of their father the devil and move on. All that tripe about facebook and speaking to friends badly of you....get over it. It is tripe that is rife amonst the unsaved. Don't even let it get to you. You are better then that. She revealed her spots, God has been good to you!! He has helped you off a sinking ship. You think she is going to be blessed by God in her current relationship with an unsaved guy?

    I hope that she does return to the Lord. You must pray that she does. If she does she will leave that guy or have a similar painful experience as what you did. Either way, she has gone beyond the point of return for you in my view.

    A Christian is told to always be faithful and keep at a marriage. A blur comes in when we are sexually involved with an unsaved person before marriage. We have that inner conviction to keep at it when they don't. We set ourselves up for a lot of pain. God has to step in and cause them to leave us. The sooner this happens the better! This is why a Christian that goes for an unsaved person is simply dumb!!! The sooner that sinks in the better!
  13. Kind J,

    The milk has already been spilt.

    Not to exactly stand in Bradman's defence as all what you said is spot on. You have cut straight to the chase and saved a lot of time by just telling it like how it is. I am sure anyone thinking of approaching a relationship like this will think twice and very hard after reading your post - in that way this post is very useful.

    Also, no doubt that had we all thought like this from the beginning, some of us would have been protected from the blows we suffered.

    BUT, this is his journey, and the mistake has already been committed.

    What we all need to do is help him up from this.

    I said to him that some of these things happen for a reason, he still has a lot on his side and I like you concur that God saved him from this. Right now he could not see it because - it doesn't matter who or what you are - heart break is just painful, theres no way around that. Only time makes it allays it.

    I think he will serve the Lord better when he reaches full circle in this and realises when looking back what the point of this whole journey was.

    He will see that the world is not worth it. It is not worth compromising Jesus for them. It just isn't. By that time, he will be a better man for this.

    And we are here to help him realise this. I know he will get over the pain to the point where he wont remember this no more.

    Keep moving buddy. Don't stop.

  14. Agreed Merc. My motivation was from reading that he is still dealing with pain. Pain remains because of thoughts along the lines of '' I was not good enough, if only I did X and Y'' whereas its simply a case of John 8:44. There is simply no reason to have a lot of pain if we know the truth. If we are nerds, God will send us a nerd that loves us. If we have a skew nose, God will send someone that doesn't mind it. Bradman must not harden his heart or be someone he is not. Going through 'lots' of pain simply makes no sense to me. There is not much to learn either.

    In fact he needs to think about how he hurt God. For how long did he put her above God when he knew sex before marriage is against scripture? If I were Brad, I would be sorrowful before God and upset with myself and my ex! Not mourning my ex! She was a product of idolatry was she not?
  15. This I gotta like too, King J.

    In a nutshell what I am getting out of this is:

    If we truly love God unconditionally with no compromise, there is no space for mess because He is all that matters to us. You cant in effect hurt from something that is not the centre of your heart, if God is that centre.

    I also get that the focus is put back on God, instead of idolizing "the gurl" - you idolise Christ, and you shift the centre of your problems to Christ who now becomes the centre and the focus and the all - in effect idolising Christ and no one else!

    This my friend is the true essence of freedom - your either sold out to Christ or the world, the people in between are the most miserable. Dabbling in a bit of sin here and there and then returning to Christ - this is not the way. Choose ye this day.

    It is the stuff of maturity King J. And it is a great place to be in that you only worship one God. A conviction to return to our true love without compromise.

    That way you cut to the chase, shoot the problem in the middle, and get rid of it forever.

    Bradman, its a journey that we should see ahead of us. I know you don't get there overnight, but there is no better place to be in the whole universe.

    Once your out of this, don't just aim to "survive this", do more, give your WHOLE life back to God - get sold out to Him. It only gets better I promise you.

    May God challenge us, take us to that place where He is my number one, my all and my love.

    It is the basic, simple - yet straightforward life.

  16. Ya, my wife left me and for over a year all my praying was based on "Lord, sniff, sniff, please help get my wife back, sniff, sniff. I forgiver her for sleeping with that other guy,,,sniff, sniff. I'll even pray for that guy, sniff, sniff"

    You are where you are spiritually, that is just how it is. I was like a Girly mon. Now to my defense I was just getting to know the Lord, but a year of crying like a school girl? We are where we are.

    Now trying to serve God and being depressed every time the devil brings of those pictures of your wife having sex with another guy is hard to do.

    One day praying the Lord spoke to me.............. (Mind you I had only heard him a few other times up to this point) The Lord said, "when are you going to stop bringing your wife up to me, and focus on what I called you to do? When are you going to receive your answer from me, for you should be full of joy and not sorrow if you really trust that I have a great plan for you with or without that wife."

    If I believe, that no matter what happens, the Lord will fulfill my life with Joy and get me on things that give me peace. Then I should never be worried about a thing or depressed about any losses. If I believe that God truly has my best interest at Heart.

    Took me over a year for the Lord to get that across to me, but the less hard headed we are and less focused on people and things, the better off we are. Who cares what happens, there is a plan of God to do and I don't need hindrances getting in the way, including a bad wife.

    The last thing any of us Great Men of the Most high God need, is to find out 20 years into our plan for God that the Wife was a bad apple. We want God to clear out the bad give to us a wife serve God with us until the end.

    Best to know now, and not latter.

    KingJ likes this.
  17. I always come back and re-read everyone's replies every so often and I think I learn/feel something new every time I do. Thank everyone for their posts! Love you guys for it.
  18. So I also experience a break up recently where I had also believed God had led me to her. Nowhere near as bad as yours, but there was one lesson I learned from it which may or may not help you. It's not God's fault if a relationship doesn't work out. People are far from perfect, and it's because of their free will and sinful selves that good things (like a strong Christian relationship) don't work out. Praying for you brother. Keep me in yours if you don't mind. Hurting bad also :/

Share This Page