Healing From And Forgiving After Bad Relationship

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jmilly, Apr 17, 2013.

  1. (warning - before you read this - some may consider this too explicit... read at your own risk)

    Before I became saved, and possibly one of the reasons I became saved I was involved with a horribly selfish, arrogant (possibly narcissistic) guy in my college. He was mean to me, and this was before I had decided to stop having sex, and he and I did engage in sex. But he was pushy and took advantage of me - for instance I agreed to protected intercourse, but he snuck off the condom when I didn't notice. He told people after it happened, with great joy, how he dumped me, and how hurt I was (all before I had a chance to register what had happened). The reason I say this was one of the reasons that led to me being saved is because I was reminded of how much sex messes things up. How if I didn't make that mistake, things would be different. I felt betrayed and embarrassed. But the good thing that happened was A) I saw this guy's true colors, and B) i had a long had look at my own decisions, how even though my peers seem to engage in that activity and everything is fine, when I do it, these horrible things happen. The guy continued to treat me like dirt even though I tried to ignore him. He would go out of his way just to make me feel bad. I knew that I had to cut him out of my life, but I still longed for him to treat me well and be nice to me, just like he was before this fiasco.

    And that I have completely changed, and have been saved, most of the time, when I think of him, I think that he's not so bad, and I wish him well. But when I see his (evidentally) new girlfiend post photos of the two of them all the time, and see how he showed up at her birthday party even though he had blown off mine... things like that, I begin to feel resentful and upset. Luckily I haven't YET run into them, but I dread the day it happens. I know this means I have not yet fully forgiven what happened, and I know I clearly have not moved on. And I'm sorry to admit I judge this girl - I judge her for her insecure and self-congratulatory facebook stautues, her chunky limbs, and choice of clothing (desperately provocative). I find myself feeling jealous that he clearly must be treating her a lot better than he treated me.

    How do I heal from this past hurt? What should I pray? I feel that every time I think I am over it, it's just temporary... I don't want to just put a bandaid on it - I want to get over it. I want to know what to think of the two of them. Should I pray for them, for their relationship? pray for her, that he is treating her well? Should I pray that he has changed? How do I do this? A part of me has wanted to contact him via email (not her, I was never really close to her) but A) I don't know what I would say, and B) I fear the ridicule he might give me, and what he might tell people. He asked me for a small favor recently, and then when I saw him, he pretended he didn't see me, and continues to do that when he sees me. It made me angry the first time he did it, but now whenever I see him I feel very uncomfortable and awkward, and sad.

    I understand that all of these concerns are so silly and petty. But at this point I feel I am paralyzed as to what is the correct course of action. I need some guidance. I am glad that the relationship lead me to getting closer to God, but I guess I feel like there's unfinished business. I keep thinking about doing it and then changing my mind. And I just want to do what I SHOULD do, not what would make things just "less awkward" between us. And I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons - I don't want to do it hoping for an apology from him....

    I hope that my question is not "inappropriate" - I appreciate everyone's advice.
  2. Cut off the contact with said dude-don't waste your time on a man that won't be your husband. STOP looking at his facebook, etc.... lose his email address and phone number.

    Make Christ your #1 relationship, read your Bible on relationships, meditate on the Word, pray and seek good counsel.

    Fellowship in a Bible believing Church with single women and successfully married couples and elders NOT SINGLE MEN unless you are going to court: which means there is a ring & a promise involved from pretty near the beginning of the relationship. And....

    Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
    Rumely and Rusty say Amen and like this.
  3. Thank you DirtyRottenSinner. do you have any other verses to recommend that I read? Also, I have cut off contact with the guy. I am still facebook friends with the girl, however. And how can I act like a good Christian when I do have to see him around and sometimes interact with him for an organization we are both in. The last time i did, and it was excruciating. And he didn't miss his opportunity to say something hurtful to me. How do I stay a good Christian in that situation. I was grateful I survived the unpleasant situation and didn't let him get to me too much... Anyways, we don't need to go into the details, but I am open to more recommendations of Bible verses, or prayers.

    when i say "act like a Good Christian" i don't mean pretend - i mean what is the Christianly thing to do? that's what I am striving for.... what would I do that really honors my love of Jesus and God? Yet I want to protect myself at the same time... This man has already damaged my reputation too...
  4. The plain truth is-people suck. What I mean by this is; we are born into sin nature. The notion of humans being "inherently good" is contrary to the Bible and is poo poo ka ka.

    It sounds like said dude has purposed in his heart to be an "_________" (fill in the blank with your favorite adjective) towards you. Here's the thing-we are to 'love our enemies' as Christ commanded. Nope it ain't easy. 'Do not return evil for evil'; "heap coals" on his head by being loving and kind toward him if you just MUST be around him.

    You must purpose in your heart to follow Christ-'bless those whom curse you'. I will let you know when I master this myself....

    Our emotions play havoc on our spirits, this is one reason why we need to rely on Christ & the Holy Spirit for strength. The only way to do that is to build your faith and dive into the Bible with a good fellowship at a local Church.

    Is this said organization a "Christian" organization you share? If not-dump it if necessary. If it is-tell the male leader of the group what is going on and see if it stops. If it doesn't stop-either the leader failed to act or said dude won't learn. If dude won't learn-he needs to be rebuked and possibly booted out of the group. Who knows, if you expose him even in a non-Christian group-they may take action....

    Sounds like you are getting bullied. Quite frankly; if I were you, I would make it a point to NEVER be around dude alone.

    Remember; you will persecuted for Christ's sake. Maybe you should read the Gospel of John and Romans. Digest these books.
  5. oh my gosh I relate to you!!! I was also involved with a narcissistic guy before I became a Christian back in college. I also regret the interactions I had with him. He had no respect for me at all what so ever, and I took it personal. The truth is, it had nothing to do with me. It has NOTHING to do with you. You are a Christian now, and you have higher standards of the people who invite into your life, as do I. Yes, continue to pray for him and his new girlfriend. I would also pray for God to heal your hurt, and emptiness there. It takes YEARS for these things to happen. I had to unfriend this guy on facebook, because EVERY TIME i read one of his posts, it brought up an unhealthy emotion inside of me. It's been four years, and now, the thought of him doesn't stir up anything inside of me. God heals in his time. Thank God you stopped letting this toxic person in your life. Thank God he raises our standards <3
  6. Thank you mariea elena and dirtyrottensinner :)

    Also - the organization the guy and I are both in is not a Christian organization
    I recently found the Christian group, and thankfully he is not in it!

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