Having A Difficult Time With My Oldest Daughter

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by naomanos, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. I have mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again in case there is any confusion. I have five children from a previous non-marital relationship that ended. It was a ten year relationship in which we both considered marriage nothing more than a piece of paper. She ended the relationship when she wanted to be with another man and no longer with me. She is still with this other man as her live in boyfriend with no plans to marry as he has been married twice before and no longer believes in marriage. I moved 1200 miles away to live with my parents as I had no where else to go.

    My oldest daughter who is thirteen has recently started saying that she is going to move in with me when a problem arises between her and her mom or her mom's boyfriend (I will just call him their step-father to make it easier). She is also having issues with kids in school that are apparently of her own making.

    According to my ex-girlfriend whom I talked with yesterday, my daughter harasses her friends to the point that they no longer want to be friends with her. She will bug them non-stop and when they ask her to leave them alone, she will, but then starts up again two hours later. I have witnessed this myself on Facebook, so I can confirm this behavior. She also apparently only wears the same two pairs of jeans and the same shirts throughout the school week. What are kids going to do when they see someone wearing the same pants and shirt over again? They are going to pick on that someone and that is also what is happening. She will not wear any of the other clothes that her mom has bought her, of which she has plenty because it's not what the other kids are wearing.

    I talked with my daughter yesterday too. She begged to come live with me. I had to tell her that she cannot live with me (which was hard to do) because we do not have the room, nor can we afford to have her here. If she was to come here, that would mean I would have to find employment and I cannot do that as I am needed at home, especially when the baby comes in February. My mother-in-law who lives with us and has her own psychological issues, cannot handle both our daughter who will be two when the baby comes and a newborn. Because of my wife's illness, she is physically incapable of caring for either one for any length of time. I have tried to explain this to my daughter, but she doesn't understand. I and my ex-girlfriend have tried to tell her that her life will be no different down here and may actually be worse as we're a very poor family. We are far under the poverty level for the region. We are making it, but there are some sacrifices involved. Sacrifices that she she hasn't had to make. She does not care about those things and the only running thought is she wants to live with me. Her mom and I cannot afford for her to go back and forth.

    She also has told my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend that she wishes that her mother and I would get back together so that he would leave. Which of course causes further friction with him when you add in that she is constantly yelling at him over everything that he tells her to do.

    He is a good man and he does love my kids. Just yesterday he was working at a concession stand earning points for my older daughter when he didn't need to do so. I have tried explaining that to my daughter as well, but all she keeps saying is that she wants her mom and I to get back together. I have tried telling her that it will not happen as I have a second family now, not that they are second fiddle, but that I cannot just up and leave the family that I am with now. Her mom doesn't want to break-up what she has either.

    I just do not know what to do. I am trying to be there for her, but when she says things like I don't care about her, or love her, it hurts me to hear those things because it is not true.

    Any advice?
  2. No one has any advice for me?
  3. The teenage years are challenging, I am a witness. My son is almost 16, he is a good kid but at that age they are trying to find their way in life and their independence. It's much easier when he just does whatever I say without question, like he did when he was younger but it's all part of growing up. Because soon he will have to think for himself and live by the decisions he makes. The best I can do is continual prayer for him and offer my advice and teach him what I have learned in life. He is doing ok but it is not always easy. Hope this helps.
  4. It does and it doesn't. What she is doing goes beyond simply not doing what I tell/ask her to do.
  5. Prayer and listening. I'm very blessed by my job because moving every few years keeps the friends to a minimum and very little American influence while at the same time getting many different cultural experiences. I have a 21, 19 and 17 year olds. They're all great kids, all my wife's doing. :p I had some rough times with my oldest because he was the first at everything and sometimes we didn't get it right. He's an uber private person and always hard to read, but recently I asked the Lord to help me know how he is doing. Out of the blue a friend from when we were in Ottawa emailed me that they had just met with my son and that there was a great change in him with a positive attitude, fully responsible and caring. The only advice I can give is pray, listen to them, help them, and let them make their own decisions to a point and keep loving them. They're scared of the future - even if they don't admit it, knowing everything (!) - and they're insecure. Help them BE secure in what you've taught them and to rely on the Lord. Tell them of your experiences trying to "figure things out" and how you didn't always get it right. Don't be afraid to admit you didn't always get it right, but help them understand that your advice and decisions are based on experience that'll help them, not hold them back. In that same breath, you need to make sure your own insecurities are not holding them back either :) Pray, listen, and be patient. Have quiet, non-defensive, chats. Re-establish the bonds from when you were infallible by admitting you're not perfect either and that we all must listen to our Father - in heaven. (y)
    adonaicole likes this.
  6. I'm not a parent but i'd suggest maybe try to chat with your daughter on the phone like at least once a week and if she hasn't heard the Gospel I'd definitely tell her it while throwing in tidbits of advice on her behavior and why it is wrong and maybe backing it up with scripture if she is open to listening.
  7. Thank you for the replies.

    The one thing i can say is that I cannot bring up God to my five children who do not live with me. Their mom doesn't believe in God and does not want me mentioning God to them at all. So I can only do behind the scenes things such as praying for them.

    My ex-girlfriend has said that when they turn eighteen, then I can talk to them about God. She is the custodial parent and I have to watch what I say and do because she can make things extremely difficult for me if I don't.
  8. tell her not to tell mom then :)
  9. She will tell her siblings, who will tell her mom or she will just flat out tell her. They are also generally on speaker phone because it's easier for them to hear me that way.

    I have to wait till they are eighteen.
  10. She's only going to get worse and worse in the meantime and wonder why you never told her the truth (which she desperately needs to hear btw) which will only build resentment in her towards you. I'd find a way to get the truth to your kid.
  11. Then ask the Lord to do it :)
    cyberlink and dUmPsTeR say Amen and like this.
  12. And risk having my child support raised to a point that I cannot afford to pay?

    I will wait till they are eighteen.
  13. Amen, but a lot of the times we pray "Lord bring such and such into this person's life so they can hear the truth" and the whole time God is saying "It's you!".
  14. I have, since I became a Christian.
  15. So speak to her as though she was with you, but do so in prayer and let the Lord carry it to her.

    Job 33:15-16 (KJV)
    In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction,
  16. Would that not be deception?
  18. it seems like you are a caring, sensitive type who wants to do right by your daughter. it also looks like you and your ex-girlfriend have connected with people whom you are committed to.
    your daughter is not exhibiting a caring, sensitive nature toward you or her mother. please don't be influenced by her accusations that you do not care about her. her objective is to break up her mother's relationship and yours and to force you both into a situation that you already know is not going to work.
    if you take her into your home, the disruption she will bring with her will surely undermine your current relationship and most likely undo it. a selfish, angry mind is not directed by a strong sense of personal integrity, nor a desire to be always honest and kind.
    be careful to keep what you now have and place the confusion which represents your daughter's life into the hands of the only One who is wise enough to see thru all her drama.

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