Giving Up On Love

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by SKelly333, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. Hello everyone. There is an issue that has been heavy on my heart, and it would be really helpful to gain a little perspective and understanding. A brief history...

    I have been married for 1 year. It has been a really rough start. Things fell apart due to my husband's lust and pornography addiction. We have sought out help for this issue and for my healing as well. We are truly trying because we love each other very much, and want our marriage to work. It has been the most painful nightmare I (we) have ever experienced. And it has left me questioning a lot of things and grappling with a major issue.

    Why did God create men to be visual creatures? Why did he "wire" them in this way? To my understanding, men lust and want variety, and in order to be monogamous, they have to fight and not give in to their innate tendencies. Why would God create man this way - essentially predisposed to fail and hurt his wife? Sure, I know that my husband can undergo counseling and try to control his self to the best of his abilities - but I know he is merely controlling himself. I know what he really wants and that it is not one woman (me) for the rest of his life.

    I have always been a romantic at heart. And now I'm trying to process this fact that my husband doesn't only have eyes for me - and that NO man has eyes for one woman. I am growing so depressed and it breaks my heart trying to come to grips with the reality of "Love."

    Had I realized that men were - well, I don't want to be ugly, but I think you know where I am going with this.... Point is, I probably would have never married and trusted my heart to anyone. I do know my husband loves me, but I know it is only to a certain extent. Because I just can't believe that a man can truly love a woman, while lusting after others. It doesn't fit into my belief and understanding of true love. I guess I am realizing that the only "true" love I will ever receive will come from God. Yes, that is an amazing thing. But I can't help but feel discouraged and yes, even angry, that God fashioned my husband to fail me. And I wish I could understand why :( I feel like an idiot thinking that we were soul mates. That whole concept seems laughable to me now.

    I feel that this is something I am going to have to just get over and accept in order sustain my marriage. But it kills me and I don't know that I ever truly can. I desire TRUE love - and essentially I'm coming to the conclusion that my expectations are just too high for any man. What's the point? Where does this leave my marriage? I am just so heart broken. If only God created women to be invulnerable to heartache....
  2. I'm so sorry you are having to walk through this immense pain. I cannot imagine. I like to listen to Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe when I'm hurting.

    I do believe men were created a certain way; to be visual for whatever reason. I'm visually stimulated as well so idk if it's just a man thing. A lot of that stuff is worldly psychology perspectives and I have found there are quite a bit of lies in that area.

    There are a lot of men who do not struggle with lust in this manner and who love monogamy. I think it is amazing that you love your husband do much you want to make it work; but there is a reason that God declared an allowance for divorce....cheating. Because He knows that type of betrayal and pain is hard to come back from.

    What you believe about most or all men is simply not true.

    I'm going to lift you up in prayer, love. Let our Savior be your everything right now.
  3. Thank you for your reply and especially your prayer! I want to believe that all men don't struggle with this. But every book I've read on the issue, even our christian counselors, seem to believe that every man is wired in this way and it is a battle that they have to overcome. And IF there is a man in this world that doesn't struggle in this area, unfortunately, he is not my husband - who I ADORE and believe(d) to be my soul mate. Even if he is not, I have no desire to ever be with another. He is my one and only, regardless if I am his.
    AllieWi likes this.
  4. You sound like a person with a huge heart and a lot of love to give bless you sister
  5. "I'm coming to the conclusion that my expectations are just too high for any man. What's the point?" this me right here, making me think I should have been a nun lol ..but Im not pursiung anyone at this moment b/c I feel my anxiety is way too high, like, its mentally exhausting for me to even form friendships at school b/c of it :p so im kind of a loner but atleast i can fill that time with God ^^
  6. That is funny, bc the thought of becoming a nun has actually crossed my mind! Lol
    I wish you the best hun :)Thanks for your reply
  7. Sorry to hear. You are making a logical fallacy by assuming all men are X. I have dated bad woman and could just as easily assume all woman are Y. What brings about change in any one of us is Christ. A Christian is known by their love and respect for His word. His word is clear that sexual relations outside marriage is wrong. Paul makes it clear that a husband must have one wife.

    Bottom line is that your husband is not respecting God. We marry someone we are evenly yoked to because we need someone who respects God as much as we do or else hurt is inevitable. However divorce is not the answer either. Scripture is clear on what you need to do. You need to hang in there and pray for him. If he is ever with another woman that is grounds for you to leave him. Until then you need to be a vessel for Christ in the marriage. As long as God is present your marriage has hope of being rich in love and blessings!

    He needs to understand that watching porn is playing with fire. If he crosses the line, he not only crosses the line with you but God as well. He needs to be fully aware of that. Any church will teach him that. Do you two attend a good church?
  8. We do not attend church, though we have talked about it. My husband knows the bible very well and was raised in a Christian home. But along the way, my husband stopped going to church and lost commitment to his faith. Sometimes he seems on board, and sometimes... not so much. I have told him I want to find a church, but it just hasn't happened. This is something I'm working on though, and I may try and bring it up today with him. I was raised Catholic, and in college, I fell away from the church. I have reached a point in my life where I want to grow spiritually and have a closer relationship with Christ. I would love to find a church, its just that it can be uncomfortable going to new churches alone. Its not excuse for not trying, I know.

    I do agree with what you've said in your reply. Thank you SO much.
  9. Actually that is an excuse. You are married, it is disrespectful to go alone. Perhaps join a small bible study group / home cell in your area? That helped friends of mine. Their marriage is now doing well! The devil is after marriages! You need that spiritual input in it! Praying for you!

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