Girlfriend Was Already Sexually Active .. (high School)

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by linksta, Nov 23, 2013.

  1. So my girlfriend just told me that she's already given oral sex to two of her ex's .. and I'm not sure how to feel.
    A little background information:
    I'm not Christian, but she has been Christian since birth (raised in Christian family). Although I'm not Christian, I have a lot of similar faith and morals like Christians since I consider myself more Agnostic Theist. We're both seniors in high school, and many of my friends are Atheists so don't care for such things. I believe in the entire "sex after marriage" and "as few relationships as possible" idea, so I would say I have higher morals compared to non-Christians.

    So back to the problem .. I know a lot of people are all about forgiving and forgetting but this was quite a shocker to me. My girlfriend has liked me since first year high school, but I always rejected her. A year or two ago, I actually asked her to pick between me or one of her ex's she did it with (at the time she didnt do it yet), and she picked him. These two things happened before her baptism, which was just this summer. She said her baptism has changed a lot for her .. but I still feel like she's not loyal and is just saying that "She truly loves me more than anyone before, and for the first time actually feels like she wants to marry her bf"..

    Sorry for the long story, I tried asking on a pickup website .. but realized it was a dumb idea since they were mostly Atheists and didn't have the same ideologies as me ... thanks to anybody who can help ..
  2. Hello and welcome to the forum. You sound like me at your age. I made some really bad life choices starting around 16 & 17 and that didn't really taper off until I started taking my faith seriously. I am very in tune with the 'sexual' sins of men. That being said; I know that you want me to tell you what to think or do about your 'girlfriend'. But here's the thing. You are here and she is not-so rather than 'judging' her-let's talk about your faith and where you want to be in your future. Do you mind doing that?

    Do you want to be more in tune with God-or the world? If you choose to be a Christian, it is an honor and a privilege to be called a "Child of God". But it also comes with responsibilities and we become accountable for our actions / choices to God.

    What kind of future wife and life do you desire?
  3. I don't mind doing that, but I don't want to drift away from my original topic.
    I'm not sure about my faith yet, since I consider myself "Agnostic Theist" I believe there may be a greater deity, but I'm uncertain. I currently go to church to get more surrounded by Christians to see if my faith will change.
  4. Forgot to reply to your question about future wife.
    I want exclusivity I guess .. someone who I can trust and know will love me and not just try to take advantage of me.
    I want to know that she loves me as much as I love her.. but the fact that has already done stuff previously really bothers me.. it makes me question her faith in general and love towards me.
  5. At your age, it's natural and healthy to question these beliefs and examine issues like Creation, faith, and God. I know that scares a lot of people, but it's healthy. Just understand, most of us have been through that. We've seen what's on the other side, so when we offer to teach you, it's not to reject what you are saying, but an attempt to help you avoid some of the pain and heartache we had to go through.

    The first thing I would notes is that nobody is a "Christian from birth". All of us, every person no matter our background, struggled the same way as anyone else. You aren't a Christian because you were born into a Christian family anymore than you are a musician because your father was one. The trend usually continues in both cases, but it comes from years of dedication, not just from your genes.

    As for her actions, my first inclination is to say that a fairly reliable part of a Christian life is a moment of crisis that separates who we used to be from who we are going to be. It happens with everybody, but for us it really marks the point of genuine conversion. Your gf may have had such a moment, or she may still be going through stuff. I don't have any way of knowing the future or what is going on in her mind, but her struggles and confusion is likely not much different than the learning process you have gone through and are going through. Time and experience is the only way to know if the change she experienced at her Baptism was real and permanent or if she will backslide again later.

    You can question her faith, or your own. But, the truth is, you will not find anything concrete. There will not be some magical movie moment where a narrator will grant you an epiphany that tells you "she's the one". Honestly, you are really still a bit young to be concerned with these things which is why sexual relationships as teens complicate things so badly. It's something that has found you, and it is you who has to decide what you will do with it. It can strengthen you both, or it can cause you both to fall into temptation.

    My best advice, is to ensure you have accountability in your relationship. I usually recommend that you not be alone. If you aren't alone, there is no danger. Courting is best done with both parents being involved in the relationship, because in the end, marriage is unites families. You don't HAVE to go that direction, but it really does save you from a great deal of potential pain and heartache. It an protect you from YEARS of regret and soul-crushing betrayal.
    KingJ and Brother_Mike_V say Amen and like this.
  6. I am in agreement with the experiences of Christian "conversion" as described by others here. I was 31 years old when I had the experience.

    However, no one here has addressed the questions about your girlfriend. I agree that abstinence from sex prior to marriage is the best policy, and the ONLY policy which does not engender problems in the later marriage. This is not to say that people arriving at marriage as virgins will have no problems, but that sexual activity before marriage is almost certain to bring problems into the marriage.

    I don't agree that "conversion" is some kind of panacea which will eliminate these problems. What conversion can do, as others have mentioned, is to give the converted person a different perspective on their past actions, and enable the person to choose the past to have no power over their current behavior, no longer being "bound" by their past.

    Please do this for yourself. You may respond here with your thoughts if you wish.

    1) what about her past causes your mistrust? (you state that you feel she's disloyal)
    2) how do you feel about the fact that she has had sex with another man?
    3) how do you feel about the fact that she rejected you for another man, then changed her mind ?

    In other words, I'm asking you, what do her actions "say" about you and about her desire to be with you?
  7. I suppose I could add more questions to the already above list; so I just want to point out a very necessary truth:

    There is God's way-and then there are the ways of the world which are many.

    Being that I did not grow up 'Christian' and then saved at the age of the 30; I can tell you from having lived my life worldly and by observation of those who have followed God's plan vehemently, the folks that follow God's plan are much happier.
    KingJ likes this.
  8. #8 aha, Nov 26, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2013
    Am happy for her for those changes... but a Christian cannot grow overnight....

    You can ask her, why she likes you as a potential husband when you being an Agnostic then?

    For Practical reason? it is easier to be with a person sharing the same belief….
    For Spiritual reason? I have no trouble with ladies looking for non-Christian as a husband…. but it needs IMO spiritual maturity, spiritual leadership on her part...

    And maturity comes with years… age, experience.

    Am not trying to be judgmental with her age: although if it does, it has a basis: : it is a law… natural law: maturity is a long process.
  9. #9 KingJ, Nov 26, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2013
    She is trying to be a better Christian with the baptism. She sounds very sweet to me. Just someone who made once off mistakes. She has made the plunge and become an enemy of the devil. He is after her.

    You, on the other sound like the wrong person for her. Until you stop sitting on the fence and join a side that is ;) Rev 3:15. There are two kinds of people in the world. 1. Those that love Jesus and 2. Those that hate Jesus. Which are you? Don't believe in Jesus? That is dodging ;). Jesus affected the world in a way nobody can deny. He has put everyone at a T-junction with His teachings. You either accept His teachings or reject them. Accepting them is the first step to doing them. Doing them is the first step to believing. You already approve of celibacy (y). Do you also approve of turning the left cheek? Feeding your enemy? Loving your neighbour as yourself?

    Christian advice = A man is to be the spiritual leader in a relationship. You are supposed to be the one getting her to church and encouraging her to keep carrying her cross like 1 Cor 11:3 and Matt 16:24 teaches.

Share This Page