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Getting Over My Ex And Dealing With Circumstances

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by MatthewXD, Jan 25, 2014.

  1. I recently broke up with a girl whom I considered to be the "love of my life". She was tall, pretty, smart, funny, etc, etc. And basically everything I wanted except for one thing. I strongly prefer a virgin as I am one myself.
    Before I dated her, I knew already that I'd have trouble accepting a partner who had a past. I hesitated for a bit to ask her if she did have a past but I figured that god might have finally been sending me my future-wife so I asked and of course, she turned out to not be a virgin. She even went as far to give excessive details I didn't ask for. She told me she didn't regret it and he pressured her into it. I had been talking to her for about a week or so then so I didn't think too much of it. I apologize for all the detail.

    Eventually, I'd end up getting pretty close to her. I went with her to her prom. We hit it off really well.
    At this point, I didn't know anything about her past except for the fact that she had sex before. But nothing of the actual act. So while it bothered me, I couldn't imagine anything so it was a small enough problem for me to still be happy being with her.

    The second day, I had called her on the phone and it slipped out that the guy she did it with,
    didn't last long. At that point, it would start to bug me a little more. She told me enough details for me to imagine it so I told her how I felt about it. She said she wouldn't do it anymore. But on another date, I was holding her and we were joking about how shy we were and she goes out of the way to mention that the guy was not shy.

    I didn't say anything that time but it felt like getting stabbed in the heart to imagine this woman
    you liked enough to consider marrying had been intimate with another man, before she met you but still.
    I told her about it again and she would mention it an additional 2 times before it really became an issue.
    I would think about it daily, it got to where I would actually pray for God to take the hurt out of my heart.
    I eventually told her how I felt and at first she told me that she wish she had waited for me and then went out of her way to chew me out the next day. She told me that she wasn't going to sugar coat it, that it was unrealistic for me to desire a virgin mate, that I needed therapy and need to move on because at this point in life, being 21, it isn't going to happen. Of course with the woman you fell in love with telling you that not only did it hurt having that even happened but to know she wasn't sorry for it and thinks something is wrong with you for it eating you up inside made it worse.

    Okay this is getting long, fast forward, we ended up breaking up as I probably would
    mention it to her another 2 times at the most when it got too tough to keep it inside anymore
    only to be told things like "I wish I would have lied to you.", "You shouldn't have gotten involved","I wish you would stop judging me.", etc, etc. She had told me that she didn't want to get her hopes up for something that wouldn't last.

    And in these past days, have just been such a struggle.
    I've been told that I was judgmental but I feel a lot of people don't truly understand
    what I went through. And to this day, I still miss her. And I just worry that what if
    God intended for me to be with this woman but I blew it because I couldn't suck it up
    and not let it hurt me anymore. And even now, I worry about the next woman.
    What if she isn't a virgin, am I doomed to a life of feeling miserable over my partner's past, regardless?
    I dunno, I just really need some advice. I'm not sure what to do.
  2. I can understand where you are coming from. It is not wrong to want a virgin and there are plenty out there. If she were repentant about it, I would say if you loved her you should accept her and love her anyway. However, she doesn't seem repentant of it, so I would be concerned about a heart issue. As Christians, we should feel sorrow when we sin.

    She could be feeling defensive and saying things that she doesn't mean, but if she feels no remorse, I would be very careful.
    AllieWi likes this.
  3. Thank you for your reply. Its hard to think clearly with the emotions on the rise lol.
    And thats what I thought. She did make an apology once but she took it back the next day saying she shouldn't have to feel bad about it. Although I think she should have prayed about it instead. I suppose you are right though. It seems as though if she really cared for me as deeply as I did for her, she may have tried to make it work. Regardless of how much her past hurt me, I still wanted to be there for her. Apparently, she didn't feel the same. She would also frequently ask me when we were going to become intimate. But regardless, its over now. I probably shouldn't try and get back together with her as I remembering reading someplace in the bible about love being patient, kind, not arrogant, not resentful, does not rejoice in wrongdoings, and most importantly ENDURES ALL THINGS. (Corinthians 13:4-7) I'm not sure what type of love that passage is talking about but thats what it says.
  4. When she said she shouldn't have to feel bad about it... that sounds like a worldly response. It's what the world teaches. Now, if she was sorry and repented then of course she shouldn't dwell on it and feel like she has to answer to you about it forever. God forgives! I would say it depended on how she meant that. I hope I am making sense.

    Unfortunately, there is another red flag, though (which shows she doesn't think it's a sin if she fornicates)... she kept asking you when you were going to become intimate. This shows that she doesn't see fornication as a sin, right? I am trying hard not to judge her. We have all sinned. Did she ever say if she was a Christian?

    I think you were right to walk away and hold out for a girl who is going to put God first. Do not be unequally yoked, and especially don't get into a relationship knowing there is going to be pressure to sin. You can't ever get that back. Just think... your future wife is out there and would be upset if you fornicated with this girl.
  5. My Pastor waited...He was 28 when He and his wife married.. (They are happy and actually like each-other with child #6 on the way!)

    Stick with God's plan-you CAN NOT go wrong sticking to God's plan.

    I am guessing God has someone BETTER for you waiting in the wings...don't beat yourself up for having a standard.

    You are feeling the pull of 'lust lost'; it can drag you into the depths of the ocean-don't let it.

    It is your future-judge for yourself how you want it to turn out....

    'Be still and know that I am God'- be patient my Brother...let God do the work.
    MatthewD likes this.
  6. Thanks, I feel much better now you guys.
    Spring is coming up soon so you never know, she might be right around the corner.
    Just like she thought she would never meet anyone she liked, I came along shortly after she lost hope.
    I must not do the same. I've seen living proof that God does answer prayers, in his own time. Hopefully his timing isn't
    too far in the future but its also a sin to be impatient. So I've decided to devote the time between, bettering myself and getting closer to the lord so when she does come along, I'll be able to hear his voice and know what to do. I'm actually actively working on cutting out a lot of bad habits I've developed in the meantime.
  7. Good for you! :)
  8. You should not date a non-virgin, you will forever hold it against them, they would sense it and
    it just wouldn't work.

    Relationships work best when you date someone on your level, cause then they just 'get' you.

    My best friend was a virgin at 38 when she got married!

    If that's really what you want you just have to stop 'fishing' in even normal Christian waters, you
    gotta go do some deep sea fishing.

    Good Christian girls are just not at the shallow waters.

    All the best.
  9. I disagree, everybody has a past, and has something that they are ashamed of, this is why forgiveness is so important in our relationships. Just because of past mistakes doesn't necessarily mean we shouldn't pursue a Godly woman who has repented, and visa versa
    Mykuhl likes this.
  10. Klub I like your reply.
    Only thing is I was referring to OP and how he viewed this other woman.
    While virgins marry non-virgins in today's world - they are accepting.
    This guy sounds like the type who will hold it against an "impure" female
    -just because he is "pure".

    Hence my advise to him to fish in "different" waters.

    Personally, I couldn't date his type. He will constantly take it upon himself
    to recount how pure his ways have been. I couldn't be in a relationship like that.
    Klub likes this.
  11. Hence my reply

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