Get married? or wait... URGENT!!

Discussion in 'Family and Parenting' started by fight4christ, Jan 16, 2008.

  1. Get married? or wait... URGENT!!

    Alright everyone...I need some real help here...

    I got engaged in May to the girl of my dreams, and we are facing a dilemma.......
    Let me give you some background....

    Me: 22 yrs old...full time student...cant work due to intense school program....2 years to go...

    Her: 21 yrs old same schooling difficulties....but she works just on the weekend as a server..... year and a half till shes done with school and making a steady $50,000...

    I know that there are tons of details necessary to make a good choice but we dont feel like we are supposed to wait till we finish school to get we were thinking about looking into student loans and just paying them off after school.....I heard you get better rates when you're married students...

    our expenses would be...
    vehicle payments
    insurance (health and auto)
    School I guess my question would be it doable?...anyone else here ever in this situation? did you do it?

    How would you recommend doing it?
    God bless..and thanks for your help :)
  2. Also factor into the expenses area unexpected medical expenses not covered by insurance (if you can get health insurance). You know as a married couple the unexpected can become the expected. :)

    Also consider entertainment (pleasure) expenses. That is a major grievance with young couples when they are struggling financially and with school on top of it not to be able to afford to go out to eat (especially when extremely frustrated or tired) or go to a movie or whatever you are used to doing as a dating/engaged couple.

    Talk it over with your parents, too.
  3. Another way to look at it, is how you are handling the physical aspect of your love. If you feel like it would be better to get married than wait because of the pressure and staying away from sexual sin, then I'd say, even though it would be harder in some areas, it's better than being out of God's will if that is a problem. Only you can decide.

    If you are talking finances, then my question is, how have you done it so far? Are parents helping you out? You said you can't work. So, do you have loans out right now?

    My son took out loans and when he graduated, he went to Korea and taught so he could pay his loans off. He taught for two years and couples can also do it. They pay for your airfare, room and board, and a good salary. But you have to check out the company and make sure they are financially secure.

    Good luck.
  4. It is doable, but extremely stressful. When you are newly married, there is always a getting to know you period. This is a stressful enough period of time when the two of you are finding out all the things about each other that you thought you knew and suddenly realize you don't! Do you really want to add school schedules, finances, and every other stressor to the mix? Too much stress can put a great strain on a marriage.

    Right now you may think that you are in love, engaged, and absolutely can not wait to get married. I think many of us have been at that point in life at least one time or another. Just because you feel that way does not mean that you should get married right away.

    Anyhow, I am not going to say get married or don't get married right away. You just have to figure it out yourself. Go pray. Talk to your minister. Get extensive pre-marital counseling with your fiance. Your church pastor might offer this.
  5. All I have learned lately is this.. pray, pray, pray, .. pray individually, pray together and ask others to pray..

    Listen to what the Lord is showing you, has shown you and as you continue to seek him.. For to long, I lived my life with what I thought was best .. and man oh man.. now I faithfully pray, I seek wisdom and opionions from others (which sometimes in the past has confused me.. due to alot of them were non believers) but as I have prayed for the Lord to show me my path and I am faithful to him in all ways.. he will show the way..

    You will see and feel the little signs he is giving you and telling you.

    Sure wish I had his crystal ball in my hand as he knows the path.. he knows how much longer I am here, he knows who I should be married to.. well since I don't have his crystal ball, but have been given something greater.. him in my heart and soul... I will be shown the way.. and you will too.

  6. If marriage is really going to be "for the rest of your life", wouldn't a year or two seem like a very short time to have to wait? Not saying you have to, but I really wish I would have been better prepared, both financially and emotionally when i got married.
  7. My wife and I were married midway through our junior year at college (1974). Neither set of parents were able to help financially. It was REALLY hard (I agree with Banarenth). We got by with financial aid (which included on campus jobs which bought food) and student loans. (BTW my job after graduation was as an engineer which was and is still is well paid from day 1.)

    our expenses were ...
    rent >> lived in on campus housing so rent was included

    food >> we didn't eat much and only went out to a restaurant when my parents visited and they paid.

    vehicle payments >> what's a vehicle? We went to school in Brooklyn, NY and really never left the general area of campus very often. When we did, it was Subway fare.

    insurance (health and auto) >> pray for good health and a good on campus clinic

    School >> financial aid and student loans

    So, to bottom line it. Is it doable, yes. It will be rough and you will have to do without a lot. But I think you will learn just what is really valuable. Many of the things we think we need to be happy are not really needs.

    Keep it simple and remember to keep God in your lives.
  8. I just have to ask:eek:

    Since neither of you are supporting yourself currently Who or what is paying for your education?????? how are your obligations being met????? who's paying the bills now? How does being married change that?????

    There is someting missing here.
  9. Hello fight4christ
    You have gotten some good advice so far. It’s good that you are asking for help in your decision making process, and that’s what it is, a process. A decision that is going to effect the rest of your life is not to be taken lightly. With your comment, “we don’t feel like we are supposed to wait”, don’t go by your “feelings.” You need to do what God wants you to do. The problem is that we don’t always know what God wants us to do. That’s why we need to seek out wise counsel. If you are asking anyone the question, “What do you think we should do?” change your wording and ask, “What do you think God would have us do?” and if anyone says, “I think you should…” You might not want to listen to closely. You want to find people who can say something like, “Well… let’s look at what God’s word has to say about this.” At least some of those people need to know both of you very well. And like someone else said, you need to pray alone, together and ask others to pray for answers.

    And as far as your expenses… you didn’t list very much. There will be more. And don’t ever rule out the unexpected. Even with new vehicles, not everything is covered under warranty. You might want to look into a lease. I believe everything is covered there, but not positive. And if you are looking at buying used, the warranty isn’t much. There are a number of things that can go wrong that will add up to well over $1,000.00. One day your driving down the road, and the next day someone wants a ton of money to fix your car. And what if there is an accident? There is a deductible, unless you go with higher premiums. And renters insurance, doctor visit co pays, prescription co pays… And you can sit down and make a list of everything you think you will need, but there will always be something you didn’t think of.

    The main thing you want to look at right now is… Does God want us to get married now, or wait? After you get that answer, you can start to work out the details. If you start working out the details now, you might start leaning toward the answer you “want” God to give you and you might miss the real answer. When two people are in love and want to get married, the flesh is always involved… “ALWAYS”

    Other than that, you have a big decision to make. Don’t take it lightly and don’t be too hasty. Someone said that two years isn’t long compared to the rest of your life. It really isn’t. If you don’t get married now, two years from now you’ll look back and you’ll wonder where the time went. It will go by very fast if you are that busy with school.

    Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him.

    Pro 1:7
    The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.

    Pro 9:10
    The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.

    Pro 12:15
    The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.

    Pro 19:20
    Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.

    Pro 24:6
    For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counselors there is safety.
  10. Shalom,

    This is a tough issue. I'm sure you'll get lots of responses. I can only speak for myself: I married later in life (I was 36), and thre was no way I could have been prepared--emotionally, spiritually, financially or physically--for marriage younger than 30. However, you and your fiancee are different people. Just consider: being married is the hardest--but the most rewarding thing--you could ever do...until you have kids, then that becomes the hardest and most rewarding thing ever (and you get to do it as partners!)
  11. We got married at 19, and now it's 34 years of miracles. I had no idea what marraige entailed. Of course at that age I thought I knew everything :D:eek::p:D

    Good question by Theo, if you are not able to support yourself now, then ?
  12. She hasn't been on the forum for over 3 months.
    She may already be Married.
    Long Honeymoon? :D
  13. Fight4Christ,

    I'll give you my experience: I got married my last year in High School because my parents pressured me to either get married or my boyfriend had to leave (long story). Anyway, I got married and regretted doing so. I wanted to go to college to get my degree, but being married caused too much stress, so I quit college. It ended in divorce and I'm now married to "the man of my dreams". Marriage isn't perfect, but I've learned a lot from my mistakes. Knowing what I know now, if I could go back, I would have waited. I would have gotten to know the guy better before marrying him and would have realized that he's not the one for me. It's so much easier going to college without being married, without kids, etc. Plus, going into debt even for student loans isn't a good way to start a marriage. It causes more stress.

    If I could go back, I would have lived with my parents so that I wouldn't have rent so that I could concentrate on saving up money to buy a house while I go to college, finished my degree, found a house of my own, lived on my own for a while, then thought about getting married.

    If you get married before you've lived on your own, then you never get that independent responsibility that you do by living on your own.

    Just some advice. Hope this helps.
  14. One other thing I forgot: How long have you been dating? That in itself is something that makes a difference. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages describes it very well. He says that for the first two years you get together, you are "in love". After that, the "thrill" of the relationship kinda goes away. If you give your relationship at least two years before marriage, your mind will be more clear to make a big decision such as marriage. Hope this helps. :)

    Here's a good video by Gary Chapman, if you're interested: . htm l (without the spaces)
  15. Money doesn't matter, school doesn't matter, what matters is to listen to what the Lord is showing you. Obeying the Lord is the most important thing you can do, everything else will fall into place.
  16. I understand you're not wanting to wait, but if you rush this with these circumstances in place, you may wish you would had waited till things were under control.
    These things that are there prior to your wedding will affect your marriage if they are not dealt with first.
    Patience is a virtue.
  17. Agreeing with all the advice above... Seeking God first, both of your parents and pastor's guidance is vital as well. God will provide provisions in any situation. Seek Him. :)

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