Feel like his Mother means more to him LONG

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by TJ30, Sep 16, 2007.

  1. Feel like his Mother means more to him LONG

    I will be married 15 yrs in early October, after all these years I thought I was first as the women in his life, but now I am wondering. There have been times when I have wondered if his Mom and her feelings meant more to him. When his mother says jump, he jumps, when I say jump he does when he gets around to it, most of the time. I know he loves me, and we have had our ups and downs, but most of our marriage has been good. I have just felt like sometimes his mom's feelings were more important than mine. I don't know, I could be over reacting, but from the conversation I heard Friday evening I am really wondering.

    I know that we are to love no one more than God, and I expect that, but aren't we supposed to love our spouses more than our parents? I love my Husband more? My Husband was raised mostly by his Mother, his father died when he was twelve. he has never been a mama's boy, but loves his mother and has a ton of respect for her. He has a brother only eighteen months older, and a sister whom is five yrs younger. He is only around his brother when he absolutely has to be, he and his sister get along great.

    My husband has told me before that me and our son are the most important people in his life, it wasn't too long ago when he told me this.

    Okay on to the conversation that I heard that has me upset....

    Friday evening DH (husband) was on the phone with his mom, I was sitting beside him on the couch, watching tv, and occasionally looking over at DH talking, they were talking about her dryer, apparently it needed to be fixed. After a little while DH said, "well mom I would've came over a long time ago if I would have known it needed to be fixed" I will come over one day this coming up week, why are you telling me now?" her dryer has been messed up for three weeks. Her other son never does a thing from her, if anything, he uses her.

    Apparently, he felt bad, because he said in a voice like he did feel bad, "well mom, I really don't mind to help you and do things for you", and he said it surprisingly like how could she think I don't want to do these things for her, like she is bother some to me?? Then I guess he felt like he needed to justify to her how much he loved her, you'd think she was on the other end crying like crazy, but she isn't like that, unless this time was a first? He said, "well mom, I don't mind, I love you." I don't mind being there for you,when you need me", I mean I love you more than.....

    Then he stopped,, as if to catch himself. THAT right there has me really wondering. I don't know if he stopped being caught up in the conversation with mom, not even thinking I'm right there, her feeling neglected, then fixing to say " I love you more than my wife" and then it dawning on him... "oh my gosh, my wife is right beside me, I can't say that!!" I am even wondering if he would have actually said it if I weren't there to hear. I like his mom most of the time, she is a nice person, but I see her to be thrilled to death knowing she was first before me. I am also wondering if he does love me more but wants his mother to think the opposite, that too ticks me off, if thats the case.

    I may be thinking crazy, but I just feel in my heart it was "my wife" he almost let out. After he did the pause, not saying who he loved less, immediately he said that, her, me and our son were the most important people in his life, he was saying this as if he needed to prove it too her more. This shocked me, I thought his mom had more sense to know he loves her without him saying all that, but I didn't hear how she was acting on the other end either. He has always done things for her, he has always been a good son, after hetting off the phone, I asked him why she would go three weeks then say something, he said she thought he was too busy, did'nt want to bother him.

    I am not jealous to know she is right up there as us "three" most important people, but I am jealous, and hurt if he does love her more than me, am I being childish about this? I have always thought the wife comes first, does that mean to love more also? I can't however make him love me more, if he doesn't but should I expect it? And should his mother know that I do, or should come before her, love and all?

    After their phone conversation ended, DH started getting into different shows on tv, I finally got his attention, when he watches tv, he is in another world. I asked him who is this person who he was fixing to say he loved less than his mom. He said his bothers name, then he said, that it was wrong of him to even think that or even to mention it to her, so he caught himself. I just looked at him a little funny, cause I believe that his mom would most definitely know THAT!! I mean he only puts up with his brother, even she can barely put up with him, he treats his mom awful, is a terrible dad, you name it! Also, although I don't have any siblings, and it may be hard for me to understand, don't most people love their parents more than their siblings?? I mean why on earth would he compare his love with his mom and brother? Shouldn't she already know that she is loved more than his brother?

    I also know that our son is the love of his life, I know his mother wouldn't be before him, I know for a fact. So whom else is left, only me that would have filled the gap. I should have said something to him, but haven't, wondering if I even should just come right out and talk to him about it. Today, while I have been alone I have thought about it, and for some reason thinking about it more than I did after hearing it, I don't know, maybe it is just now sinking in. It has hurt me thinking about the possibility, also letting her know his wife of almost 15 yrs, together almost 17, comes after her. She is probably thinking that it was me that was left out, she also knows I was sitting beside, or at least close by, because he had asked me a question before or after the comment, so she heard me talk.

    I am also a little angry, for him insulting my intelligence, thinking I would "buy" his brother being thrown into the mix. I mean, he is much more smarter than me, but still! I mean I could be wrong that person whom he didn't mention could have been his brother, but I am just having a hard time believing it.

    We are going to church in the morning,( yeah here it is nearly 2:30, I'm gonna feel great!!) anyways, his mother attends the same church, DH is upstairs in the sound room, so I don't have any one to sit with, my MIL always sits beside me or I sit beside her, that's always how it has been since we have been going there almost a yr. I hate to say this but, I will not be able to look, much less sit by her, feeling this way, It's terrible not wanting to be in the Lord's home, because of this, and I look forward to church. It's not her fault, but still, I can't help it. I feel I should talk to DH in the morning before we leave, or should I, just leave it alone? I don't want to upset him, but this is bothering me. I even wondering if he will lie to me to keep from upsetting me. Please be honest with me, I can take it! :) Am I over re-acting, being childish?

    ANY advice? Thank you SO much for reading, sorry so long!!,

    God Bless! :jesus-cross:

  2. I really think what your husband was going to say is that he loves his mother more than his brother does.
    Also, I have to mention that there are so many kinds of love.
    I love my husband in one way and my kids in another.
    I have friends whom I love dearly.
    My love is true and real for each of them yet different.
    My husband might say he loves his mother more than anything in the world but I can't feel jealous because it is a son-mother love.
    He could say he loves me more than anything in the world and turn around and tell the same thing to one of our children.
    Is he lying?
    No, because he means it for THAT person.
    You cannot be your husband's mother and she cannot be his wife. You both hold 2 very different and special places in his life and heart.
    Like I have told people in my life, I can love a sibling or a friend with everything in me and it does not take away from someone else.
    Someone once told me that some people think love is like a pie and the more slices you make, the less there is for everyone.
    Not so.
    Look at God's and Christ's love for all of us. It is never ending and none of us get short changed.
    Just be the wife. Be the loving and caring wife a man wants and he will love you for YOU.
    I think you said you can't make someone love you.
    That is true but your husband does love you.
    And the more you give, the more you get back~
    Many blessings to you and your family~

  3. The fact is . . . you don't know what he was about to say or why he stopped.
    "Than my wife" is only one of more than 100 responces that he could have given. And He could have stopped because he was embarrassed or felt uncomfortable about speaking of love of any one other than you in front of you. Or he could have felt your insecurity and wanted to try to head off any concerns you had about his relationship with her or prevent any worry by you as to the position and priorities of the relationships.
    Maybe he sensed that you were waiting to to see what he said because you have question this before, and he didn't want to go through that again.
    Words are words and everyone does at one time or another fail to express them properly in all situations.

    It does say something about your insecurities in the relationship that you have so much concern over such an insignificant event.
    Unless there is something more to it than what you suppose he was going to say. Other more consistant or compelling evidence that he has an unnatural relationship with his mother or that your marriage isn't what it should be.
    But then only you know the answer to that.

    If this is the only evedence you have or only reason to believe there is something amiss in the family relationship you should drop it. Don't let your insecurities or possible jelousy become an issue. Because if this is the problem then it makes no differance who he is talking to you will be in termoil over it and what you think he might have said or wanted to say.
    That kind of assumption ,my sister, is dangerous to any relationship.

    Sincerely His
  4. Re

    First off, I want to thank you for reading this very LONG post. That was so kind of you. Also, I'm sorry about just now responding, I have barely been home today.

    You guys have given me some excellent advice, and it helped me open me eyes and look at things differently. I never did bring this subject up to my husband, and never will. I am so glad that I didn't, I know he loves me and that should be enough. Usually he says it before we get off the phone, before he walks out the door to go somewhere or if I am going somewhere. This morning at church, before he started upstairs where he helps with audio and visual,and I was fixing to go to the sanctuary, he looked at me, with a few people between us and mouthed I love you, it was so sincere and sweet I got teary eyed, and of course reponded. I felt so guilty (still do) for even thinking how I thought and was so foolish yesterday.

    Cliff~ your right I had no evidence that it was me he was talking about. I do tend to get a little insecure, even though the realtionship is normal between he and his mom. He has never been a mamas boy which is one of the things that attracted me to him, that and how mature he was for his age (of course among other things ;)) I believe our marriage is healthy, so I don't think it's that which is making me think this way. I have to admit there have been times were I think he thinks of his mom's feelings more than mine when he goes along with what she wants to do, with out even thinking about it. When I feel like I have to try much more harder and feel like I am pulling teeth when it's something simple compared to what his mom would want. Also, sometimes I find out stuff that his mom already knew about before me, usually not big stuff, only a few times they were. I just want to be confided in first, not finding out from her when it's something important, but it's not a big enough deal to make it out of what I did. Does that make sense?

    I'm not sure, but feeling this way may be because of the lack of love between me and my parents, especially my dad, he has hardly ever shown me love, (long story) or even been involved in my life for that matter, I'm always the one to call etc, etc, he never make a move. So maybe deep down I feel insecure, maybe a little jealous that I don't have what he has.

    Violet~ Thank you!! I tell ya I feel like a dummy!, I didn't even think of that! Yeah, he could have been talking about he loving his mother more than his brother does, especially since his brother mis-treats her. You are so right about the slice of pie, there should be enough to go around, and I do need to look at it that way instead of feeling like I need to compete, llike a totum pole, or something, thats just too childish, and insecure. I know DH loves me, and I should have left it at that, I trust him, and love him with all my heart.

    I am so glad that I didn't say anything to him, I did feel better this morning and today, (even afer seeing my MIL, which is not her fault how I felt, she really is a nice person) than I did last night. God was with me thats for sure! Here lately the devil is getting a hold of these awful thoughts in my head. I just got to be strong, and not let him win!!

    Again thanks to both of you! You guys are better than any marriage counselor, my closest friends would not have been as helpful, and caring. You guys are wonderful! :D

    God Bless!

  5. TJ, you are no dummy!
    We all go through periods in our life where things look bleak and we get a little insecure.
    You have friends here and God certainly does love you.
    And what your husband did at church was almost like God reassuring you!
    Love, Violet~

  6. Re

    Aww, thanks Violet, That was sweet. I also think of this forum as my friends too. :)

    Yeah, here lately, I just seem brain dead! :eek: I was also thinking the same thing, when DH told me he loved me at church. It's just amazing how God works!

    God Bless!

  7. It truly is amazing how God works and he knows what our hearts need!
    Please don't ever feel bad coming here with your worries or complaints.
    People and lives are forever changing and it's hard to keep up sometimes witout someone neutral to talk to.
    We all need reassuring!


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