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Ex-girlfriend Is Pregnant (seeking Advise)

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by skywalker89, Jan 15, 2013.

  1. In mid 2012, I was dating a girl (Jennifer, not her real name) for about two months and we were involved sexually. We broke up because my parents found out I was dating a non-Christian. About two months later we began to talk again and ended up having sex. I felt guilty for it, so I told her we need to stop completely. We stopped talking for about two months, until I got a phone call from her saying she was pregnant with my baby.

    It was through this, that God opened my eyes to show me who I really was. I was living in sin and my lifestyle showed I wasn't a Christian. Throughout the first week, God showed me my sin and was finally convicting me of it. It was the next Sunday, after God spoke to me through a powerful message, that I surrendered my life to Him.

    Now, I am in a difficult situation. I am now a Christian and I know she is not. Abortion is not an option for either of us. Her plan is to keep the baby and raise the child. It would help if I give a little background information on her family situation. Her mom and dad are divorced. Her mom has been in jail and used drugs in the past (I don't know if she currently uses drugs). Her mom also has male "friends" over quite a bit. They appear to be drug addicts as well. Her dad has a girlfriend that he has been living with for quite some time. Jennifer's plan is to move out of her dads home and move in with her mom throughout her pregnancy. She then wants to get her own apartment with her lesbian sister. She is also working at a retail store with very little hours and not very high pay. She has told me she is looking for a better job, but I don't know what stores will hire someone who is already expecting. Jennifer is only 21 and has only completed a few semesters of college, but it has been a while since she has taken classes. She believes she would be able to complete that eventually down the road.

    My biggest concern is that she is not ready to be a mother and I am concerned of the influences of her parents and her sister. I don't know if I want my son to be raised in that type of environment. If she plans to keep it, I would like to be there for my son and help out. But it is difficult since we are no longer together.

    I have talked to my parents and the elders at my church about everything as well. They gave me advice and said to consider adoption. It was something I hadn't thought of too much, but the more I considered it, God gave me peace about it.

    I have talked to Jennifer and her dad about adoption. She isn't sure if she could give up her child like that. I had dinner with her dad and he suggested that I marry her. I told him that what I had done was wrong, but I couldn't marry her because the Bible says to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. He believes that we should keep the baby. Many of Jennifer's friends and family are excited for her. This is making it difficult in helping her see the practical side of this.

    I believe that putting my son up for adoption would give the child a home where there isn't a broken family relationship. I don't want my child to grow up with a confused sense of morals.

    What do you think? Any advice?
  2. adoption, is a very good thing, but if she doesnt want to give the child up, then she has the right to refuse, which leaves you with the choice of whether to marry her or not. The fact is, you already made the mistake of going out with her, and sleeping with her, and making her pregnant. Now, you have a choice-let the child grow up in a home with absolutly no positive influence, or marry her, and work twice as hard to not only strengthen your faith, but share it with her, and try to be a positive influence on your childs life. If you ask me, that child needs a father-flat out, and while I can't tell you what to do, it is a tough decision, I can tell you what I would do-I would marry her. That child is as much your responsibility, as hers.
  3. As of right now, marriage is not an option. First off, it would be wrong to get married because the Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14 "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" There are people who marry unbelievers and try to "win" them over to Christ. This doesn't always work out.

    Secondly, I recognize my responsibility as a soon to be father. If she decides to keep it, I want to be there for support and to help. Yes, I was wrong in what I did, but it would be wrong to marry someone where I don't believe we are compatible and there is no foundation of love. With the amount of divorces going on in this nation, I do not want to be another statistic.

    I agree that the child needs a father figure in his life. This is why I am so determined on adoption, a Christian adoption agency to be specific. I know it is her choice and I am not forcing her in anyway to choose adoption. I want to look at all possible options available.
  4. What Im saying is, your in a tough situation. If you can get her to adopt, then thats great, if not, well, then your really, stuck with three bad choices. A: dont marry her, which means even if she lets you hang around, you still won't be much of an influence-the priamry influences in the childs life will be hers, and her mothers, you just plain wont be around enough. Option B: you raise the child yourself, but if mother already has issues with adoption, this will likely lead to a full blown custody battle in court, one in which regardless of the outcome, everyone loses. Or C: you marry her. I realize, the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, but Biblically, marriage technically, isnt a piece of paper and a ring-marriage, is when you become one, so Biblically, your already married. Your already unequally yoked. So in my eyes, all the choices are bad-marrying her, would be the less evil choice of the ones you have, IMHO. You chose to impregnate her, and it is now your responsibility to take care of her, and the child. In any case, I have you, the mother, and your child in my prayers, I pray that God leads you in your decision.
    Rumely likes this.
  5. Corinthians 7:12–14
    But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise kyour children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

    Marry her, and bring up your son well, teaching him about God. If you do not marry this woman and she adopts him out you will probably regret it. First do you love her and want her to be your wife for the rest of your lives. If its yes then marry this woman is not wrong. God will do the rest.

    I was in kind of the same situation when i was 24 i married a jewish girl, now everyone knows that the jews believe jews should only marry jews. But we were in love she was pregnant we got married. She was not a believer at the time tho over the years she was.

    Good luck
  6. Luke,
    Adoption is not a good option. Your child should have a heritage....a birth-right which adoption robs him of. When a man died leaving no heir, his brother was to produce offspring for his deceased brother by taking his widow........consider....... heritage is important.
    Are you sure that it is 'Jenifer' who is not yet ready for marriage and not you?
    Question? are you hiding behind 2 Cor 6:14 to justify running from this? One reason I raise this point is because you have said that her dad has suggested marriage. So, He doesn't see you as a last resort, and I guess he knows his daughter's attitude toward you too.
    The baby could be adopted out, but in doing so he is denied his natural mom and dad.
    He will grow up in complete ignorance of any half brothers or sisters. What if he meets and falls in love with a half sister and has a child by her?
    There are many serious things to consider here.
    Adoption is in the long run not really very different from being in effect post-natal abortion......morally speaking that is.
    There are situations where abortion is needed....there are situations where adoption is needed, but unless it is absolutely necessary, adoption is just the convenient removal of an unwanted complication........make a mess and walk away from it.

    Ask yourself...What about Jenifer's emotional security and well being here? You are the father to be, but you are not standing with her as you should be. 2 Cor 6:14 aside, you have been appointed as the father of this child by the Lord.
    Just suppose if by any chance your adopted out son should seek you out and ask you why you abandoned him, will you quote scripture and say that you were a Christian and his mother was not good enough? Wouldn't that be a great testimony(n)
    Is this Christ like? I think not. You have a lot of soul searching to do, and you need to come out into the open and face up to your responsibilities as a Christian should do.
  7. What are you then ultimately suggesting? Should I be married to her then? What happens if there is a miscarriage? Is it then still right for me to marry her? No, I don't believe so because of what 2 Corinthians 6:14 says. I don't think I can put aside that verse because it is what God has commanded. I can't pick and choose what verses I believe and will follow.

    The reason her dad mentioned marriage is because that is exactly what he did when he was younger. He got a girl pregnant and married her. They have been separated for over 10 years and are filing divorce paperwork. I don't want to make the same mistake they did. That would be devastating for any child.

    Since I cannot marry her, with a good conscience, I wonder how this child is going to be raised? Yes, it is definitely my responsibility as a father to take care of my child and I plan on doing so if she decides to keep it. Exactly how that maps out will be difficult since we are no longer together and live in separate homes. She plans on raising my child with her lesbian sister. Jennifer doesn't have a good paying job either and very little hours. She hasn't finished school. For these reasons, it will be difficult for her to take care of the baby. I don't want my child being raised in a broken family and being shuffled between two houses. I love my child and want the best for him. That is why I am looking into adoption, where a couple who already love each other and are prepared financially and mentally for this.

    Open adoption is where Jennifer and I can select parents through interview and information about who they are. There is also communication between me and the child. We can write to him and send gifts and even visitation.
  8. ^ Do you love this girl and want to be with her for the rest of your life and she the same. If the answer is yes then try marriage at least your son will grow up around a mum and a dad not a mum and a lesbian if she chooses to not adopt. Dont be afraid of the responsiblity i know its a huge task to take on supporting your wife and child. But your be surprise how easy it is. You will have your ups and downs but thats part of life. And in some cases the love for each other falls out this is where you have to go hard to make the marriage work.
  9. Our previous relationship wasn't built on love. During our relationship, I realized we weren't really compatible with each other. I do love her in the sense that I care for her as a human and desire that she comes to know the Lord. But I don't believe we would be good together in marriage. She wouldn't even be okay with marriage. Her idea would be that I live with her to help out with the child. But again, I could not do that.
  10. In the long run nobody here can really tell you what to do.
    All you can reasonably hope for is some food for thought.
    You need to face reality in this situation, there are many factors to consider.
    You talk of wanting to be involved with your son........how exactly will this happen if the person/s having the day to day care and control of your son move residence to thousands of miles from where you live?
    You talk of open adoption. How will you deal with the inevitable questions and feelings of rejection that will arise a few years down the road?
    Be aware that sometimes and not rarely so, Christian couple fall way and divorce too. There is no promise that an adoptive couple will remain together.
    You talk of miscarriage. Is there a known likelihood of this happening? Is she in her first, second or third trimester? You haven't indicated.

    As for your reliance on 2 Cor 6:14. you really should study the whole of chapter 6. You are in fact taking v14 out of context to suit your own wants. Paul was writing to the Corinthian Christians who were embroiled in a very heavy pagan society and culture.......that is what they are not to be yoked with. Be careful to avoid confusing argument with command or with precept here. 2 Cor 6.14. is not a get out of jail free verse....please stop using it that way.
    It may well be that you should not marry this girl, but you need to not marry for the right reasons, and 2 Cor 6:14 just isn't it.
    here is a challenge for you:
    Paul wrote, (in the same letter), 2Co 13:1 This is the third time I am coming to you. Every charge must be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
    This is based on Old Testament Law.
    Now from scripture, provide two or three witnesses to verify the legitimacy of your use of 2 Cor 6:14 to avoid marriage.
    Again, I am not saying to should or should not marry this girl. Just wanting you to make an adult decision based on honesty and sincerity and having fully thought all the issues through.
  11. Adoption, is a good option, if you can convince her of it. If so, or in case of miscarriage, I see no reason you should have to marry the girl-but if she refuses adoption, and carries the baby to term, then I think you should marry her. Yes, your not supposed to be unequally yoked-but you were already there when you made her pregnant, and to walk away from that child, when the mother refuses adoption, would just be adding a wrong onto a wrong, in my opinion.
  12. Frankly, I see adoption or marriage as the best options. For you to try to "take responsibility" for your child without marrying is going to be a logistical nightmare. Unless you get full custody, it will be exceedingly difficult, if not impossible to be a father to the child. Most likely it will come down mostly to paying child support. I'm not even sure how the law works in the case of a child conceived out of wedlock - I doubt you get the rights and privileges you would have if you were married. Most likely, the mother will have all the rights here. As noble as your sentiments are, it will basically end up being your ex raising the child in whatever environment she inhabits.

    If you do find some way to be fully involved and responsible in that child's life, that will inevitably yoke you with your ex to a significant degree - again, unless you somehow gain full custody. And what happens when inevitably one or the other of you meet another guy or girl? How is a new man in your child's life likely to play out? How likely is it that he will be a Christian? How will your entanglements with your ex and your child from another relationship sit with your new girlfriend/fiance'/wife? Basically what I'm saying is that it looks to me like 2 Cor. 6:14 is a little too late; you're already yoked, one way or another.

    The only practical way I can see to cast off this yoke (though it won't answer all moral or Biblical issues) would be to go the adoption route. If you are able to see that the child is placed with a Christian couple, you can be assured that the child will be raised in a Christian environment - that is, you can be as sure of that as you can anything else regarding a future you can't predict. The child may have to deal with some issues at some point, but those can be handled. He or she can come to an understanding that they were not merely discarded, but that you sought the best solution for them. They can have access to medical records and family history.

    If you marry the girl, you will have some issues to deal with, for sure. But, it will ensure that the child is raised with his or her biological parents and that you will be the full-time dad. There is at least the hope that your wife will become a believer. Even if she doesn't, you will still have a huge influence in the child's life and will probably greatly increase the odds of the child becoming a believer than if they were raised in by the child's mother with you essentially off in the distance somewhere.

    No pat answers here, but hopefully this will help you as you think through your options.
  13. Oh boy, I am right there with you....

    1: You can only be responsible for your heart condition-be right with God first.
    2: Share the Gospel of Love...
    3: Pray, Fast meditate-most importantly-LISTEN to what God says through His Word.
    4: Remember, as bad as the situation is or could be-Jesus already did the work and paid the price.

    I too am reaping the fruits of of my sin labor; I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter that I would not give up to the world. The biggest issue I deal with is the hypocritical relationship I am in with the mother. Therefore, I am losing out on the blessings of God. However, I am doing what I can to instill a relationship between my daughter and Jesus Christ. And I pray for forgiveness daily...

    Blessings require a sacrifice of some kind. What are you willing to sacrifice? Don't sacrifice your relationship with Jesus Christ...

    We have a wonderful, merciful, forgiving, graceful Savior. Plan your field, reap what you sow...

  14. Please don't quote the Bible out of context.In 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 paul was talking about IF you are MARRIED to an unbeliever ALREADY and later you gave your life to Christ and realized that the scripture said,do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever,don't put that wife away.That scenario is different from the one that you guys are not MARRIED,and you know it is not Biblical to be unequally yoked,and you foolishly or tactically go ahead and marry the person with the Hope that she/he will give his life to Christ and become born again.It is the HOLY SPIRIT that can change humans.So,don't even try to think you can change anybody.
    And also try to create a demarcation between a nominal Christian and a BORN AGAIN.

    From The Message Translation: 1 Corinthians 7:12 For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages--Christian married to nonChristian--we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her.

  15. Once you pray for forgiveness and believe in your heart that the LORD,merciful and gracious have answered you.u need not continue to pray and ask for forgiveness concerning same sin.that will amount to UNBELIEVE.That is what the devil use to deceive children of God.Walk in the consciousness that your sins have been forgiven and live a Holy Life and do exploit for the LORD.
    Of course,NEVER sacrifice your relationship with Jesus Christ..
    Gal 6:7 Be not deceived;God is not Mocked,whatseoever a man soweth,that SHALL he reap.
  16. True. I realised that afterwards, that I quoted the wrong scripture. So it wasn't good on my part. It just gives a false impression to the one reading that its okay to marry an unbeliever.

    Thanks for clearing that up.

  17. You are welcome.we are all here to learn.God bless you
  18. I disagree. My best male friend got his girlfriend pregnant; loves her, but is in love with me. He married her because everyone said it was "the right thing." Now he is going to live his life with someone that he is not truly in love with just because she is going to have his child. He will have to force himself to look at her the way in which a man should naturally look and feel for a woman he is in love with. I feel sorry for him, but mostly for her.

    Let me ask you: would you rather the child grow up in a contentious family or one in which the father might not live with the mother, but where the child sees both equally and the mother and father have an amicable relationship?


    I find that most of the time it is those that did grow up with both parents that think it's oh so "sad" and "horrible" that a child would not grow up with both parents. Then they state all of these statistics about single parents, etc. I last saw my fathers face when I was 5 years old and didn't even hear his voice again until I was 19, and I have still not seen him in person since I was 5. Let me tell you, that for someone like myself, who was on the honor roll throughout school and went to a public ivy and has done extremely well at every job I worked out, this is an absolute insult. Two loving parents do not need to live together/be married to raise a healthy child, and in some instances, it is best that both parents do NOT live together.

    Let the girl have the baby. In my opinion, adoption is for those in a situation in which they cannot take care of a child whatsoever. If the girl has access to loving parents, yourself, cousins, friends, money, etc., she will absolutely be able to take care of the baby. There is no reason to give it up just because you are "young" or "aren't ready." No parent is ever really ready. It's a myth to think that just because you are financially stable or married, you are "ready" to have a child. I have seen parents get all of their ducks in a row, have a kid, and not handle it as well as parents who had a child at an unexpected time.

    Pray to God about this. Bring it to him as much as you can. Don't do what's "right", do what the Lord guides you to do.

    Good luck and God Bless.

  19. I am becoming increasingly disturbed by the direction of this thread for a couple of different reasons, the first being that there need to be an understanding from young Christians that God has a plan for EVERYTHING, which includes the design and functioning of the family unit.

    Second, until we accept that what we have done is "sin" in the sight of God, no solution from God will be offered until repentance is complete. Young people are not being given or not obeying the word of God especially when it comes to sexual sin and sexual relationships out of marriage.

    Third, if "Christians" refuse to follow God's commandments and sin there will be repercussions and possible punishments. God allows us to suffer from the circumstances of our sin. We seem to have this mindset that God is supposed to come behind us with a broom and sweep up our messes...this is false doctrine.

    Fourth, we have to have a fundamental understanding of 1: Sin, 2: Repentance, 3: Forgiveness, 4: blessings & 5: Gods structure outlined in the Bible before any such advice can be given in such a matter. Overall, we need to understand what is Christ's gift: yes he has forgiven our sins, past present and future, that does not however give a Christian license to continue in or purposely perform sin without fallout.

    Fifth, we cannot let our emotions and past experiences redirect scripture to fit our liking. Yes we use our experience to confirm God's word, but God's Word doesn't conform to us-we conform to it-else it is sin.

    God dictates the plan for a family which means: One man, One woman, in marriage, till death do us part. No premarital sex, children are a result blessings from God, not because -"oops I made a mistake."

    Please forgive me if this seems harsh, but we need to do God's will if we are going to be God's children. The point is many of us have made mistakes (sin), those of us who have and are God's children try to stop others from making the same mistakes, especially when it comes to young people finding themselves and accepting Christ as their Savior.

    All that being said: I have lived through the abortion process, and from my perspective as a male-it was no easier for me in the aftermath than it was for the mother-PLEASE AT ALL COSTS NEVER ABORT. I don't know anything about adoption, but from what I have seen-it is much better than abortion, but not the same as parents raising the child.

    We fail our children when we as parents do not live God's way. So as fellow Christians, we attempt to help others by trying to guide you from our past mistakes and put you back onto the path towards God. All else is futile...
  20. @Dirtyrottensinner: Did I say something wrong? You quoted my text and stated you were disturbed with where the forum was going. I wasn't advocating that he go against God, in fact, I recommended he take it to Him and Him alone. He is not currently married so how would he be going against Gods will by not getting married? Yes, there are definitely consequences, which is why I do not think he give up the baby under any circumstances (that as well as I do not believe in abortion :))

    Anywho, just wanted to clarify and get further input from you in case my original message conveyed something different than my honest opinion about single family households. Sorry if for any reason I offended you also. :(

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