Dusty's Jokes
- Thread starter Dusty
- Start date
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm:
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks
"Yes" comes the reply.
"Thank God," says the man "It's his birthday today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to the doctor and says "I think something is wrong with me, every time I poke myself it hurts."
He demonstrates this by poking himself himself in the head, then the belly, then the leg, and then the arm and each time he does he screams "Oooouch!"
"What's wrong with me Doctor? Tell me the worst!" says the man nervously.
The Doctor replies "You have a broken finger".
_________________
:dance::dance::dance:
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks
"Yes" comes the reply.
"Thank God," says the man "It's his birthday today."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to the doctor and says "I think something is wrong with me, every time I poke myself it hurts."
He demonstrates this by poking himself himself in the head, then the belly, then the leg, and then the arm and each time he does he screams "Oooouch!"
"What's wrong with me Doctor? Tell me the worst!" says the man nervously.
The Doctor replies "You have a broken finger".
_________________
:dance::dance::dance:
Dusty, all of those are awesome! They keep me in stitches! Thank you!
Laura
Laura
[SIZE=+1]Flawed security" [/SIZE]
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
[SIZE=+1]"Finders keepers" [/SIZE]
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
But of course we Christians would not be dishonest.:fish::fish:
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
But of course we Christians would not be dishonest.:fish::fish:
Learning numbers"
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
Children's Science Exam
If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get Intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
_________________
If you need a laugh, then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All Water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get Intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his Adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the Borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie
Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome
Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
_________________
STOP IT!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to
> >>school.
> >> >>He
> >> >>didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
> >> >>feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was
> >> >>safe.
> >> >>
> >> >>So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she
> >> >>would
> >> >>please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance,
> >> >>so
> >> >>he
> >> >>probably wouldn't notice her.
> >> >>She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it
> >> >>would
> >> >>be
> >> >>a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
> >> >>
> >> >>The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out
> >> >>following
> >> >>behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he
> >> >>knew.
> >> >>
> >> >>She did this for the whole
> >>week.
> >> >>
> >> >>As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
> >> >>little
> >> >>
> >> >>friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do
> >> >>every
> >> >>day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady
> >> >>following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
> >> >>
> >> >>Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
> >> >>
> >> >>The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'
> >> >>
> >> >>'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter
> >> >>Marcy.'
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>'Shirley Goodnest?
> >> >>
> >> >>Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'
> >> >>
> >> >>'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd
> >> >>Psalm
> >> >>
> >> >>with my prayers, 'cuz she worries
> >>about me so much.
> >> >>And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow
> >> >>me
> >> >>all
> >> >>the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
> >> >>
> >> >>The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine
> >> >>upon
> >> >>you,
> >> >>and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and
> >> >>give
> >> >>
> >> >>you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26) May Shirley
> >> >>Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
_________________
We have been forgiven of more than "much;" we've been
forgiven of everything.http://charismamag.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=270&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45#top
> >>school.
> >> >>He
> >> >>didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
> >> >>feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was
> >> >>safe.
> >> >>
> >> >>So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she
> >> >>would
> >> >>please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance,
> >> >>so
> >> >>he
> >> >>probably wouldn't notice her.
> >> >>She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it
> >> >>would
> >> >>be
> >> >>a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
> >> >>
> >> >>The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out
> >> >>following
> >> >>behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he
> >> >>knew.
> >> >>
> >> >>She did this for the whole
> >>week.
> >> >>
> >> >>As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
> >> >>little
> >> >>
> >> >>friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do
> >> >>every
> >> >>day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady
> >> >>following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
> >> >>
> >> >>Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
> >> >>
> >> >>The friend said, 'Well, who is she?'
> >> >>
> >> >>'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter
> >> >>Marcy.'
> >> >>
> >> >>
> >> >>'Shirley Goodnest?
> >> >>
> >> >>Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'
> >> >>
> >> >>'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd
> >> >>Psalm
> >> >>
> >> >>with my prayers, 'cuz she worries
> >>about me so much.
> >> >>And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow
> >> >>me
> >> >>all
> >> >>the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
> >> >>
> >> >>The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine
> >> >>upon
> >> >>you,
> >> >>and be gracious to you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and
> >> >>give
> >> >>
> >> >>you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26) May Shirley
> >> >>Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.
_________________
We have been forgiven of more than "much;" we've been
forgiven of everything.http://charismamag.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=270&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=45#top
Letters to the Pastor
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
_________________
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
_________________
THE HOMELESSS WOMAN
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate."
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate."
Boat name"
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.
When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
[SIZE=+1]"Eggplants" [/SIZE]
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
Thanks for all the jokes. I love them.
Ray
Ray
B
Boanerges(Inactive)
Guest
I pulled these out of the archives:
1. what kind of motorcyle did King David drive?
2. What sport was King David seen playing ?
3. How do we know the apostles had automobiles?
4. Which state in the US is the only state mentioned in the bible?
1. His motorcyle was a truimph- amd David's triump was heard thru out the land
2.tennis- David was known to serve in Saul's court
3. A Honda- the apostles all came in one Accord
4. Arkansas- anrd Noah looked out the Ark An Saw
1. what kind of motorcyle did King David drive?
2. What sport was King David seen playing ?
3. How do we know the apostles had automobiles?
4. Which state in the US is the only state mentioned in the bible?
1. His motorcyle was a truimph- amd David's triump was heard thru out the land
2.tennis- David was known to serve in Saul's court
3. A Honda- the apostles all came in one Accord
4. Arkansas- anrd Noah looked out the Ark An Saw