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Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by amelzer, Apr 15, 2009.

  1. Divorce

    I dont know if any one will have any advice for me but here it goes. I am dating a man who is divorced and he and his exwife have a young son. His ex is treating him so poorly and with such hate. She calles herself the perfect mother and christian yet treats him with such hate and cruelty. She calls him frequently crying and telling him that he needs to hear her cry because he did this to her. Or she will send texts telling him what an aweful person he is. She will send 4-5 page emails to him telling him how terrible of a person he is and that she cant believe what he has done to her. It has been over a year since she left him and she is currently dating and choosing to love someone else. She dangles their son in front of his father in a way that shows she has power and that she could destroy him and take his child from him. The man I am dating is no longer the man she was married to. A year ago he handed his life over to God asking him to take control because he made a mess of things. His ex refuses to see this change in him. And anyone who tells her he is changed she states he has "the wool pulled over their eyes". He usually doesnt respond to her hateful comments that have even reached the point of telling him that he uses faith to convience people that he is changed. Her words are so hateful to him and somehow she still calls herself a Godly woman. I dont understand how she can justify that. I have not yet met the woman but she hates me but I dont know what to tell my boyfriend to comfort him. He is always telling himself that what she is saying is not of God and they are just lies. That satan is just using her to get to him. I just feel helpless in this situation, I have no words to share with him - just all the support in the world. But even that only seems to go so far as her words will cut him deep. Does anyone have any light to shed on this subject, its a terrible situation to be in and Im at a loss. I care so much for this man and I know his ex was hurt but how can she justify what she is doing. Sorry for the lengthy post, if anyone has time to read it I would love to hear any thoughts.
  2. First, let me say I am sorry about what your boyfriend and yourself are going through. Sometimes, the people we've hurt in some way or another, have a hard time letting go of the wrong done to them even if they are Christians because first they might not know how to tap into God's grace for their emotional healing and second because they might feel like the person that hurt them should not just be able to "get away with it" without some kind of retribution.

    In this case it sounds to me like this "ex" may still be very angry and hurt and even though your boyfriend has changed and became a Christian, she may feel he needs to "feel" the weight of his sins against her; the fact that he is moving on with someone else, even though she is doing the same thing, may not be easy for her accept!

    Think about it... He was not with her the good man he is with you! They have a child together and their marriage may not have been loving and good so, well, she's just angry! I am not saying that what she is doing is right but it is somewhat understandable!

    What you can do is pray for her and encourage and support your boyfriend but be careful to do so without saying anything negative about her to him! That can backfire even if he is angry with her, she is still the mother of his child and he may have some real remorse and regret for not being the husband and father he could have been when they were married!

    This is a very difficult and delicate situation and because you have asked for help, I am going to go a little bit out on a limb and say that it may not be the best situation for you to be in! Don't get me wrong... I am not telling you not to be with this man, but I am saying that you may need to step back a little and try, hard as it may be, to look at this from a more logical rather than emotional position!

    Yes, they are separated and obviously not getting along but they are still married and have a child together! So many times in these situation, the person that ends up being hurt the most is the third party; the one that cares deeply for the separated person and can be blindsided by changes they did not even think would be possible to happen, let alone expected to happen!

    I'm not saying this is your case but what if it ends up being your case? Your boyfriend is now a Christian and although this is a very trying time for him and he can not even fathom going back to this woman, when God changes our hearts, many interesting and unexpected things happen! Reconciliation may not seem real right now, but if it happens, what about your heart?

    Another scenario is that they may eventually get a divorce; but even if they do, wouldn't it be better if he first sorted out that part of his life completely before he starts his new life? No matter how minimal the possibility, you should not be any part of the reason why he decides to end his marriage! No one can carry that kind of burden on their shoulders without it creating problems later!

    Again, I am not saying you should end this relationship! This is just food for thought for you to consider! In a situation like this it is very easy for you to become so entangled in their problems and volatile emotions that you feel you would be abandoning him if you pulled out and you may also feel you are the only one that understands him!

    But remember, he is now a Christian and while he needs friends and family there to help him take his first steps in this journey, Jesus is also there and He can give your boyfriend the best and most valuable support he needs! Not to mention that this situation he is in may be the very thing Jesus is using to teach your boyfriend how to rely on Him(Jesus)!

    I guess all I am suggesting is that you thread lightly, keep your caution bulb lit and make sure you spend a lot of time praying and asking Jesus Himself what you should do and how to handle this very difficult situation! I hope I have helped you a little bit:).

  3. You need to read the Bible about marriage, in Ephesians 5 and also in Malachi 2:14. I can tell you from experience, I married a man who had an ex wife with 2 children. If I knew then what I know now, I would have run away as far as I could get from the situation.

    Wait for the person the Lord has especially for you. This man is still her husband Biblically and in God's eyes.
  4. I totally agree with Laura here.

    I pray that the Lord will guide you and your boyfriend to His will, which we know is what is best for all involved.

    God Bless, Cheri
  5. First of all, I must point on that though the heart and intention behind the long response was great... that it missed the first part of the story: her boyfriend is divorced and has been for a year. This changes the response a lot.

    Anyway.. here are my two cents worth: (as a divorced man with a child with my ex wife)

    I believe that you are very well to be in any relationship which God has placed you. If you love this man with the love of Christ and He does the same there is no reason to suggest that there is anything but godliness which will abound in your relationship. :)

    Divorce is a "word I can't say." It is an extremely wrenching, heart-grinding, and blood letting experience. That a woman who has gone through this experience will have a lot of trouble overcoming it; is quite understandable. Her vengeance and bitterness is completely understandable. Not godly. Not right. But understandable.

    Though I must say this: it is not and will NEVER be your place to judge her. Do not think ill of her, speak ill of her, or act ill of or toward her. It is up to God to deal with her behavior and to heal her heart. Allow God to do His work. And I do agree that you should pray for her.

    As far as supporting your boyfriend... well, I would suggest you talk to him about how to do that. Otherwise you can PM me and I would be glad to help you any way that I can. I have been there.. done that.. and would never want to go through it again.
  6. Why is your boyfriend sharing these emails and texts with you? What good is coming from it? What does he get out of it? What are you getting out of it?

    Maybe you both should simply pray for the well-being of his ex, the child and for yourselves concerning your feelings toward her. You would be surprised at what God can do for you when you pray for your "enemy" - regardless of weather He changes anything in her or not - he will change you and that will be better.

    Tell your boyfriend you sympathize with his dilemma, but that you no longer want to see or hear about the emails. He should simply delete them without reading them and instead say a little pray God work in the lives of all involved.

    Disagree with me? Ask yourself what good is coming from sharing these emails and text messages. How does it glorify God? If there is no good coming from it then you shouldn't be wasting your time reading and feeling sorry for yourself and your boyfriend. Instead use that time wisely to focus on God.

  7. Just an observation - Since the originator of this thread has not been here since mid April, 2009, perhaps it might be a good idea to place this thread on HOLD until such time as the original poster returns to comment or participate.

    Thank you.

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