Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by BreathOfGod, Feb 14, 2008.

  1. Divorce

    Let's face it.... just over 40% of marriages end in divorce, and in the church the rate is not much lower.

    As some people might know, I am currently going through my second divorce. I recently began attending a class called "DivorceCare." My children are going to "DivorceCare4Kids." I have only been to one class so far, but I can honestly say that I was surprised about the class makeup.

    There are people there who are attending for their second time, because they didn't think they needed it very much the first time and now they realize how much it helps and how much they can get out of it. There are men there. In fact, about half the class is men. This surprised me because normally you don't think of men going to self-help classes, where people talk about emotions and stuff. Some people in the class are in the process of getting a divorce, and others have been divorced 6+ years. Some people in the class were married only a few years, while others were married 30+ years. The point is that this class is something that anyone who is divorced can attend, no matter at what stage they are, what their gender, what their age, and what their situation.

    I wanted to share a link about DivorceCare here for anyone who might be going through a divorce, or thinking of going through a divorce, or even has been divorced in the past. You can go to this link and find a church in your area that offers this. It is a Christian based program, so everything in it is biblically based with knowledge and advice from experts. I have only been to one class, but I honestly would recommend it even for those who may not think that they need it.

    DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups

    DivorceCare: DivorceCare for Kids

    DivorceCare for Kids divorce recovery support groups for children
  2. my fiance went through divorce care and said it was a very good thing.

    we are both divorced.. but I never went through a class.. God took me through the "class of hard knocks" and worked with me through all the pain and the heart ache.

    I grieve in my heart for everyone who goes through such horror as a divorce. I would only recommend it is VERY extreme circumstances.
  3. I've read the book. good book.

    if you haven't read "for men only" and "for women only" .. READ THEM. :) .. I have never read a book which so clearly articulates what a woman and a man want and need. (at least as far as I can tell on the woman thing cause no man really understand women.. lol)
  4. Could you please explain more what you mean by "biblically based"?
  5. it means it's based on Biblical principles.
  6. Question...What do you (anyone) think are the reasons for divorce. If I'm not mistaken, the Bible only gives one reason for divorce, and that's infidelity. But what if a person endures any kind of abuse?

    Second part...If a marriage suffers from infidelity, does it HAVE to end? Or is the Bible saying a marriage MAY end?
  7. A related matter in this thread may be of interest.

    God is a divorcee... Surprised to hear that? Please review:

    Jeremiah 3:6-10 (KJV)

  8. SBT- sad but true. Is the church in general any more faithful than Israel was?
  9. I am twice divorced and have been judged and condemned by church deacons (and others) because of it. My first wife was never faithful to me. She left me twice, and I forgave her and took her back both times. However, when she said to me, "I won't change", that was when I gave up and divorced her. I never believed in sex with anyone to whom I wasn't married.

    The second one after two weeks of marriage started sleeping on the sofa and criticized EVERYTHING I said and did. I was just thankful she couldn't read my thoughts. After more than 7 months of being constantly criticized I said to her, "You might as well start looking for some place else to live, and we'll end this farce." Two weeks later she moved in with her son from a previous marriage. I'm sure they resumed their screaming match that went on at my home. Their yelling drove me out of the house. The thing is, a pastor I knew wanted to warn me about her, and I wouldn't listen. We make our bed and then have to lie in it. Counseling did no good. She just decided that I wasn't good enough for her when she realized that I had faults, and she didn't. :D

    I have no desire to be married again and don't want anyone. Whenever I get the asinine idea that I want someone, I remind myself of the emotional pain and misery I suffered. It quickly cures me of that thought.
  10. the second 1 was probably only there to condemn you.this battle is spiritual not humanly.
  11. On a number of occasions over the past 13 years, I have threatened to divorce my wife. Usually in the heat of a fight. My wife has admitted that she feels I am always to blame for all the bad things that happen. I also feel like everything is my fault. She also admits that it doesn't sit well with her making me take all the blame, but she says it's easier than sharing the responsibility (that was good of her to admit).

    None the less, I am always beating myself up and allowing this woman to treat me this way. Every once in a while, I stand up for myself, but she knows exactly how to get and keep me down.

    She also doesn't respect things I suggest. Lately, I've been trying to make our marriage loving again by working through the questionairs on the marriagebuilders.com website. I asked my wife if she'd be interested in taking these questionairs to help our marriage. This was a week ago, and she still hasen't even so much as looked at the sheets I printed out from the website. This is very normal. Eventually, she'll just throw away the material and say "our marriage is fine". I'm a slave in my marriage.

    But I still don't know if this is any reason to get a divorce. Plus, we have a 2 year old girl whom I could never leave. She's the glue in our marriage right now, I'm sorry to say. I feel so bad for her when she sees us fight (even though we are generally civil about it with her in the room). I have cried so many times in the last two weeks, I just can't handle much more. (My daughter will go to my wife and say "Daddy cry", and that tears me up even more) I'd rather be dead than serving another minute in this prison we call marriage. But I keep going for my daughter.
  12. question 1 is she christian.?question 2 is she the enemy.?question 3 go to question 1.?:D
  13. Paradox, I've felt the same way in the past. My wife is very "opinionated" and feels her way is God's way. She's human. After 17 years of marriage I've learned that as the spiritual leader in my home, it is up to me to change first for the better. She is a Godly woman, so if she is constantly criticizing me, there must be a good reason why. I've had to confess my pride, humble myself before her and God, and make positive changes in my life. This includes spending more time listening to her complaints and focusing not on the surface issue at the moment but delving deeper to the root issue. It also includes supporting her in her interests and spending more time with our children.

    I have spent a good many years telling myself that I would just have to put up with her. That has slowly been changing, especially over the last few months. I've slowly begun to give her my heart. That was the key for me, giving her my heart. It hasn't been easy, but it has been rewarding. I can see a difference in her.

    I say all this just to say that there is hope. I know. My marriage is far from perfect, but after 17 years it is much better than it was a year ago. God is good.
  14. Agreed.

    This is why God never intended that man (or woman) should be divorced in the first place. But he allowed it because of the "hardness of man's heart" (and woman's heart) as the Bible says. God does not desire that any one should have to go through a divorce, but the truth it that it happens. (When I read about divorce in the Bible, I believe it should be read gender neutral as both genders may be the guilty party.)

    Anyone who has been through one can testify to the pain and other emotions associated with this event. Most people don't get married with the idea that if it doesn't work out they can get a divorce.... and if they do think that at the onset, then they shouldn't be entering in that union to begin with. When two people marry, they join flesh as one, as the Bible says. So a divorce is like a ripping apart of that flesh. Like someone came along and ripped your arm off and left it dangling there, torn, in pain, and bleeding. And it doesn't end there. Even people who lose a limb will often speak of phantom pains in that lost limb. Divorce is like that also. The pain never goes away.

    Certainly those who have been through it once would never enter into a second marriage if they believed that marriage would also end in divorce. And if the first divorce is not bad enough, I will testify that a second is even more devastating. It is one thing to believe that you may have made a bad choice the first time, and that you just happened to marry a rotten one...... but to marry a second time, believing that this one is different, and then go through it all again. Now there are two arms torn off and you sit there beating yourself up over ever allowing yourself to fall for the deception a second time.

    Anyhow, I posted the original information in this thread not with the intention of discussing divorce, but more with the intention of informing people about a valuable resource that is available for those who are going through or have gone through a divorce. Jon-Marc mentioned in his post about being judged and condemned by the church, and in DivorceCare they briefly address that area as well. They cover a vast majority of topics that are important for people who are going through a divorce and provide the opportunity for people to discuss those topics and then to work on healing.

    It is sad, but condemnation does occur in the church when it comes to divorce. And often it is directed to the innocent party, because they guilty one has often turned their back on both God and the church. So, the innocent party is having their arm ripped off from a divorce and then the church comes along and starts jabbing knives into it. We need more churches to stand up and offer programs that embrace the individual and help them heal from the divorce.
  15. 1. Yes. 2. No 3. Yes

    Thanks, but that didn't help much. But I see where you were going. My wife was raised a Christian. When we were dating, I led her to the Lord as she re-dedicated her life. Her father came out to the deck where we were and told us that we didn't need any more "alone" time. He had no idea what we were doing.

    She is not the enemy, Satan is. But that doesn't make it any easier living like this.

    And finally, refer to my first paragraph (not sure why question 3 was asking me to go back to question one...did I miss something?)
  16. Paradox, I honestly think that you already know these answers but are just throwing them out to get others opinion.

    I was in an abusive marriage for 20 yrs , emotionaly, physically and mentally but felt I needed to stay put until God removed me because I adored my son and probably paid more attention to him and tried to shelter him from all the abuse Because my ex knew how much I loved my son he played on that threatening me by saying he would kidnap my son if I left and I would never see him again which literally broke my heart as I knew he could do it because he was not born in this country.

    To make a long story short I also knew that my ex was running around and found evidence but could not pin him down until he started having telephone conversations and the girl phoned once when I answered the phone . It was then that I believe God showed me a way out, gave me wonderful council, a top notch lawyer, friends who rallied around me and prayed and eventually after five years of courts and more courts ( the police charged him with assault) I was released from my prison.

    There is so much more to the story but do not want to go there, but what I am telling you and any one in an abusive situation. God does not want any one to suffer in that way and especially when there are children in the mix . It is too tramatic on them. After 10 yrs my son still is very cold and distant but there is nothing I can do. I can see the pain and hurt and bitterness in his eyes but he refuses to talk to me about it.

    Your number 2 question is a no brainer. adultery is a sin and is another reason why God says a marriage can dissolve.
  17. Honestly most marriages start off fine. Everyone is in love and happy! Then life starts to kick in. People get busy, stressed,and overloaded. Then come the kids- mom get totally wrapped up in them and the family is stretching to it's limits to keep it together.
    This is a critical point in many marriages. Mom and Dad need to stop realize that they are drifting apart. Can you remember when you first fell in love how yo longed to be together? Many couples will let things slide and have their whole relationship revolve around their kids. One day the kids are grown up and mom and dad realize they do not even know each other anymore. Like most journeys this happens a little at a time and perhaps almost imperceptibly at first. The time is now my friends to spend the time, to pay attention, to rekindle the sparks.
    Love takes work. Remembering to go the extra mile to show you care. And the little things count for so much- I would call up my wife un-expectantly and sing " I just called to say I love you"- trust me it was not the voice that made her smile but the heart. Sow love into your marriage!
    Many blessings, Larry.
  18. I don't think I really, really knew the answers to my questions.

    First off, the bible tells us that God hates divorce. He doesn't dislike it very, very much...he HATES it! And the bible also makes it clear that the ONLY reason a couple may divorce is due to infidelity (from what I understand). That's why I asked about the abuse situation.

    As far as my second question...I didn't think it was a no brainer, or I wouldn't have asked it. But perhaps I was misunderstood. What I was asking is: MUST a marriage end due to infidelity? In other words, is it a sin for a wife to stay married to a cheating husband, for example, even if the husband has mended his ways?
  19. I am sorry if I came on so strong but my feelings on abuse are maybe different than others who have never been through that. But I honestly don't think God blesses an abusive marriage. I know all that the Bible says about divorce and I certainly did not want a divorce as I have believed what the Bible says about divorce but I think there comes a point that if it is a safety issue, then I do not believe God wants us to stay.

    I suppose what you are saying about adultery.... if the other partner confesses and gets council and has made a turn around and the two have worked out their problem then it is not a sin to stay married . On the other hand that also is a long road as there will always be the trust issue on the part of the party that the adultery was done too. But with God all things are possible and only He can mend the pain and the hurt.

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