Divorce Question

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Sweet Pea, Dec 26, 2013.

  1. I have been saved since I was a young child. I remember the day I prayed to God asking Him to forgive me of my sins and accepting Jesus as my Savior. I have always loved God and wanted to do the right thing. I have made many mistakes and even more trying to "fix" those mistakes.

    I fornicated as a teenager and I felt so guilty. We were already engaged (he asked, I said yes) but I think that made it easier to sin in that way. Anyway, my mom found out and pressured us to get married then instead of waiting until after college. He kept trying to back out before the wedding day, but eventually went through with it. We married in front of a pastor with a friend as our witness. His parents did not approve, so they did not come. I don't think they even knew we were actually going through with it. My parents didn't go out of respect to his parents... hoping they would eventually come around.

    Anyway, we didn't live together for quite awhile. He told everyone we were not married. He hid it from his parents. Eventually, my parents and I talked him into living together, and we did live together for a few months... until his mom and dad came over and cried and begged for him to move home. I cried and begged for him to stay. He left with his parents. I was humiliated. I filed for divorce. When it was about to go through, I cancelled it because I didn't want to sin. He was so angry. He came back and forth from my apartment to his parents house and I eventually got pregnant. He begged me to have an abortion. I said no. He threatened to kill me and our baby if I did not have an abortion. I refused. He told everyone the baby wasn't his (impossible as I had never been with anyone else). I cried, begged, and pleaded for him to be a husband to me and a dad to our baby. He denied me in front of his whole family. I was humiliated again. One time, I begged him to stay overnight with me for Christmas, and said I would go with him if he wanted to go somewhere. He pushed me to the floor (while I was pregnant) and tied me up with Christmas lights and left. This guy was awful! He eventually moved in and right back out after our sweet baby was born. My mom and dad moved me to the other side of the state to get me and our baby away from his craziness.

    He followed a few months later. We fought all the time. He did crazy, odd things. Also, he slept at work and in his car after awhile, and eventually moved back home to his parents house. I filed for divorce again. Called him right before it went through to ask if he was sure we should get a divorce. He cussed me out and said I better let it go through, so I did. I started dating after that conversation, fornicated, and planned on marrying that guy. We did, but my ex found out and chased him off and begged me back. I stupidly went back and got pregnant again. We were already divorced, so we felt we should just get remarried. Once we did, I realized I just couldn't look at him the same way after everything he did. He was dangerous with our children, and verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive to me. Even physical. I remember the day I was breastfeeding our daughter in a rocking chair and he got mad and slapped me across the face. I was holding a baby... no way to defend myself. It was awful.

    I filed for divorce for the last time. I got a job and moved on. I started feeling guilty about the divorce AGAIN... until the day he swore on his mom's life that he cheated on me and came home and slept with me without even bothering to take a shower in-between. I was so grossed out that I got an STD test. Thank God it was negative for everything. I was fine with the divorce going through after that. After the divorce went though, I remarried. After I married my husband, my ex-husband said he really didn't cheat and swore that on his soul. The guy is such a liar, I don't know which is the truth. He also said he had a vasectomy and that turned out to be a lie. I have been remarried for ten years (and we have two more kids), but I still look back in horror on everything I went through. I spared many details to spare time. I just cannot believe it. Then, I hear different Christian denominations saying they believe people are still married to their first spouse no matter what and would split up the second family. This is just not true, right? The Catholic and Amish churches would be an example. I feel the practice of having a second marriage end and the spouse to return to the first spouse is a sin. The Bible says it's an abomination. How do people say othewise? Could a second marriage really be adulterous?

    Our pastor told me I am married to my husband and it would be a sin to divorce him. He said it would be an abomination to go back to my ex-spouse. He gave me biblical versus to back this up. I believe it wholeheartedly, but it does kinda get to me when I hear people say something different and they believe in the same God and the same Bible.
  2. I am also divorced, unfortunately. A second marriage can sometimes be adulterous, but not yours. Jesus says very clearly that divorce is permissible when infidelity has taken place by the other person. If your ex said that he cheated, even if he was lying, it is true and accurate to the best of your knowledge; therefore you were completely justified to divorce him.

  3. I think I feel guilty because I was relieved (and then disgusted) when he said that (instead of sad) because he was such a monster. I felt free.
  4. Right. It's hogwash.


    I would say they may believe in the same bible, and the same God, however, they have constructed a "sacred cow" with their dogma. Their thoughts have reached an improper conclusion as a result.
  5. So, let me be "devil's advocate" here for a moment.....

    Suppose your life had been entirely different. Your first husband was not a "monster" at all. In fact, he was doing his dead-level best to be a very good husband, but you, through your own misguidedness, had an affair in which
    you wound up divorcing him.

    By and by, you recognized the error of your ways, and found another good man, and married him.

    Now, would your decision be different? Would you now divorce your current husband to go back to your first?
  6. Oh, I just thought I should add that after I had our son, he abandoned me the first time we got divorced, so the pastor felt I was okay even back then with the divorce. I think it's too late to edit that in. My parents moved me to the other part of the state after he moved out, broke our apartment lease, and told me to get lost.
  7. I would say the person who did this was not free to remarry, but if they did, I would still say they cannot divorce the second spouse to remarry the first. It's an abomination no matter the circumstances, I believe, correct? Am I way off here?
  8. No, not at all. You are spot on, in fact. Divorce hurts us, it hurts others. It should never be practiced in order
    to satisfy some kind of fanatic legalism.

    Clearly, the better choice would be reconciliation, if that was possible.

    Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come back." The woman answered him, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You are right in saying, 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. What you have said is true!"
    John 4:16–18

    Jesus Himself, in this example, is not recorded to have said "you are wrong in saying 'I have no husband'; for you have ONE husband, the first man you married, and the other 5 men you have had are not your husband".

    Neither did He instruct her to leave the man who was not her husband and go back to her 5th husband, nor any other husband. Neither did He say "you cannot marry the man you are with, because you are not free to remarry"....

    He said ".... go... and sin no more....", leaving all the details at her choice.
  9. Why, then, would some Christians tell someone to divorce their spouse and go reconcile with the first? Why would the Catholic church consider a second marriage not valid unless the first one is annuled through them, even if they had a biblical reason to divorce?
  10. Religion can be a strange thing. People get it in their heads that things are a certain way, and they become unwilling or unable to consider any alternate points of view. At one time, the Roman Catholic church considered a belief in a spherical world that revolved around the sun to be heresy. In my opinion, no matter how large, powerful, intelligent, or God revering a religious organization is, at their core they are still men and women attempting to make sense of and control the world around them (as every human does in their own ways), and they don't truly have any religious authority over other people.

    Don't trust human religious authorities, Sister in Christ. Pray, and seek God with all your heart, and trust the influence of God's holy Spirit. Don't punish yourself for your mistakes; we Christians are 'new creations in Christ, and covered by God's gift of grace' which nullifies our sins and washes us clean in God's eyes. I am a man who wrestles with intense guilt every day, but I know something powerful about guilt; We should always remember that we are bought with the blood of Jesus, and as long as we seek God with all our hearts, minds and souls, we are washed clean of our sin, and we get another chance every day to please God, so we only feel that guilt when we forget about God's grace. I hope that I am being helpful.....
  11. #11 Sweet Pea, Dec 27, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2013
    You are being helpful, and I appreciate it. Thank you.

    Your response sparked another question, though. I guess I wanted to ask it all along because I briefly touched on it in my OP. Because I was saved when I made all of these horrible mistakes, doesn't that make it different? I knew better and I wanted to do the right thing, but I committed major sin anyway. I knew it was wrong to fornicate. I still did it. More than once. I felt like it was okay, under the circumstances, to get a divorce, but I question it when I hear what some say... but you have helped with that. I believe the Bible is the Word of God. I don't think it should be added to (or taken away from). The Bible mentions if an unbeliever leaves, the other would not be bound. However, my ex always said he was Christian, so I don't know if that applies. Eventually, he admitted to cheating (and the Bible says a divorce can happen under those circumstances). I believed him. I remembered the day he described how it happen (and the circumstances) and to this day I think that could be the truth. Hard to tell with him, though. He lies a lot.

    I do believe my pastor when he told me I had the right to divorce. I believe him when he says I am married to my husband in God's eyes and am not living in sin. I believe him when he says I have no right to divorce my husband and go back to my ex (nor would I ever want to). I just get concerned with why a couple of denominations teach otherwise, and I wonder where they get their teachings from because to me, the Bible seems pretty cut and dry on that.

    Anyway, all that to ask if it's different for me because I knew better and still sinned anyway (with the fornication, etc).?
  12. Yeah, I've committed fornication before too. It's just like all of the other sins though, you can ask God's forgiveness with an earnest heart, and that sin is wiped away as if it never existed, which is the exciting thing about grace. I personally believe that you were bound because he told you that he cheated. If he was lying, that's on his head, but God knows that there is no way that you would be able to know that. You seem to be doing your best to please God. That is the most important thing, because 'all fall short of the glory of God, but if we are faithful to repent our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins'.

    Maybe you did mess up by sleeping with someone else while you were still married (I did the same, less than a month after my ex wife and I separated). But what matters is that you are addressing your sin and you want forgiveness for that. As far as being with someone new, I think your ex absolved you of all guilt when he told you that he cheated. Biblically speaking, it seems to me that you are completely justified to burn rubber and leave him in the dust. ;)
  13. Interesting topic. What about 2 nonbelievers? My ex husband is as aggressive atheist. I was always spiritual, never rejecting God but rejecting organized religions, and definitely not understanding Jesus.

    Our marriage, obviously, collapsed. At the time, I thought it was because he was a jerk to me (undoubtedly, he was). But after a lot of therapy and soul searching, I realized we were both damaged and my fault was also great.

    Ironically, I was saved when I met a Christian man and started dating him. He took the time to introduce me to Jesus, and bible study, and the Word and Love of God. In a sad, sad twist of fate, it turned out he was married. The depth of pain that blow dealt me..... I may never recover. I have forgiven him, and that forgiveness has shown me the way to forgive others, but it is difficult to trust again.

    Nonetheless, I found in Christ what has been missing from my whole life.

    I believe in Grace. I wonder..... am I a sinner to marry again, should I ever learn to trust and find someone????
  14. Godbewithyou, did you mean "I personally believe that you weren't bound because he told you that he cheated."? Just making sure. :p I really am trying to do the best I can to please God. I just feel like I made a mess out of things at such a young age. I was 16 when I got into that relationship and 18 when I married him. At 32, I feel like I can't believe any of that ever happened, but it did. Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

    76k5grrl, Is your ex-husband remarried? Has he been with someone else since your divorce? Did he walk away from the marriage? I, personally, believe that one can divorce if there is adultery, or if they were abandoned (if an unbeliever leaves, let them. You aren't bound under those circumstances). Your ex was an unbeliever. I'm trying to think of a scenario where you wouldn't be free. I guess if he hasn't moved on with another woman, is begging you to forgive him for leaving, and still wants to be married? I hope someone else can jump on here and give you an answer because I find divorce and remarriage difficult to give advice on because of what I have been through. I wouldn't want to give unbiblical advice. I think someone neutral should answer. :p
  15. That's exactly what I meant. Sorry about the typo... =D
    Sweet Pea likes this.
  16. I do not believe God ever intended for any particular rule to be used to violate the most sacred of rules. All commandments regarding marriage are for the benefit and protection of the people involved and of the family. Law over people just isn't consistent with Jesus' teachings. From everything I'm reading, you need to put this man as far behind you as possible. Marriage isn't just some ceremony, it is a covenant; one that he has broken many times. His desire isn't for you, but to destroy you. Don't let him.
  17. Banarenth, is your reply to me or 76k5grrl?
  18. Just wanted to add that my ex and his family are Christians. You would think otherwise from this whole scenario.

    Near the end, he tried to get me to stay married to him. He always did that... didn't want me until he thought I was moving on with someone else. The time I went back, it was just the same as before or worse.
  19. Another reason why we need to hear the Holy Spirit before even dating someone, and for sure before marrying someone.
    Being remarried is not a sin, and why the ex spouse is even considered at all is a mystery to me. He should not even be in your thoughts.
  20. I hear ya. I wish I would have really prayed about it before I married him... could have spared myself some serious heartache! We do have two kids together, so it's not like I can pretend he doesn't exist. I do not think about him in a good way... I think of him and feel relieved I am out of that relationship. I just wanted to make sure what I did wasn't displeasing to God and that I am not going to hell for it.

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