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Distressed Wife

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by yaya, Jul 4, 2012.

  1. My husband of three years slept on the couch for the first time last night. This stems from a fight we had when i told him i want to go visit my sister. I have 4 weeks vacation a year. Two weeks i already committed to him to spend with. His family who live abroad. I told him this a few days after his family had spent a period of over a month in a half with us and his response was that he wants to spend the remaining of vacation time with his family necause it is his moms birthday. I got so fed up of his needs always coming first i wrote him a six page letter telling him upset and unloved i felt because. he never stops to think about me or what i might like or need. He read it and told me we needed to talk but that in the meantime not to cook for him or do anything for me. That he needed to think that hw was going to be sleeping in the couch and not to have visitors(meaning my family).
    His argument is that since his family lives abroad
    He needs to spend every moment with them. My sister lives on the opposite side of the country my parents three to fours hrs from here. Now i am just wating until he feels like we should talk. We do and live life his way. A complete turn around from the man i met 11yrs. Ago.
  2. Hello

    Sorry to hear of your dilemma. It doesnt sound like a 'complete turn around' to me, merely a disagreement that I am sure the two of you can sit down and resolve. You say 'he never stops to think about me or what i might like or need' is that really true? or is it just on the 'visiting family' subject? If its on other issues, pride could be setting in and you would need to look closer at his (and yours) spiritual growth and encourage more church attendance, reading bible and prayer. All problems are solved by merely drawing closer to Jesus and as a married couple you both need to.

    I would not write letters!! rather sit and talk.
  3. Also just thinking, since your parents are so close, you would probably visit them alot more then his even if you gave him all your leave. I have the same situation with my wife. Her parents are far and my parents are very close. ALL my leave for holidays goes into visiting her parents. Fortunately for me they live near the beach :).

    I propose you give in! Give him all your leave. The trade off should be that you go to visit your parents more often. Find things to do where his parents are. It is not as if he will want to spend everyday with them when on holiday.

    My wife misses her parents alot!! You need to consider that it is a really big issue for him that they are so far away. My wife flies down to her parents alone when I cant get leave. I fully approve of it! She just came back end of June from a three and a half week holiday at her parents without me.
  4. Thank you for your response. I don't know it is merely a disagreement since this is the first time he ever does something like that "sleeping on the couch and asking me to stop caring for him". There's actually a long story behind this...we got married three years ago, nine months into our marriage his sisters' husband and two of their daughter passed away in a car accident. Only my sister in law and her youngest daughter survived the accident. My husband, is the oldest son and a father figure to his siblings (34, 30, 23). My husband is 37. When this happened, my husband and I went abroad to tend to this situation, after two weeks I had to come back. My husband stayed with his family for over a month. I understood it was the worst time, but needed to know when he would come back, after a month of waiting I asked him and he felt pressured and we got into an argument because he basically told me he did not know when he would be back. He returned a month after that in which our communication was horrible and I told him we needed get help 1. counseling 2. helped from god through our church; after spending a month with me, he left to take care of his family for what he said was going to be a month or so trip, he stayed five months and a half. I tried to be understanding but as he would push and push and push return dates I would begin to loose it and become less supportive. He finally come back again and was with me for another three months. Every time he would leave the episodes would get ugly, with me crying and begging for him to stay. He came back and in less than a month we traveled together and after two weeks, once again he stayed for what he said would be three weeks or so that turned into a two months. Then, he came back and finally settled in a job. Six moths later, we traveled to see his family and came back together, three months later he traveled for two weeks that turned into three and this time came back with his family because they were approved visas. They stayed with us for a month. They returned 4 months later, and stayed for a almost 2 months in which I dedicate myself to tend for him and them and have a nice experience, keeping in mind all my sister in law has been through. After years, and trips, and patience, and tears, I would think that when I asked him to visit my sister he would be a little more supportive than to tell me that it is not a priority because now his mom's 60th birthday is coming up and he wants to go for two weeks and then two more weeks in a few more months for x-mas. My parents do live within 3 -4 hours, I do see them more often, but for quick weekends away from work, but my sister lives across the country and last time I saw her was in 2010. She is planning a trip this way, but I wont get to see her because I will be away with his family. So when did i sign up to never see my sister or to not ever be able to plan more then a weekend with my parents, since all my vacation time has to be for his family and him. It upsets me that he can not be a little more giving, specially after all I have been through with his trips for the past three years. I have always felt that his family is more important, and the family tragedy of course exacerbated these feelings. I know that the whole "don't cook for me, don't tend for me" come from me telling him that I do so much and put up with so much for him that it would be nice if he could at least appreciate it and reciprocate. He says I didnt do anything to supportive because in everyone of those trips I would put up a tantrum. But regardless of tantrum or not, he still did what he wanted, when he wanted for as long as he wanted it.
  5. Go to his moms 60th it is a memorable birthday, but not for Christmas. No tantrums, perhaps even apologize for them. Just talk calmly to him. You have been extremely supportive of him and his family. But a relationship is 50/50. If he wants it 70/30, then let him go to his mother by myself. You go to your sister. You were a good wife to bend over for him and go the extra mile for support that he needed for his family, but that is over now. You and your relationship need support now, things need to be 50/50 immediately. Sit and talk calmly. You must not get upset, just hold onto the 50/50 rule! calmly. If he gets upset, leave him to be upset. Anyone that goes against the 50/50 rule needs to deal with there selfishness. But like I said, all my leave goes to my wife for her parents because I see mine all the time. Perhaps use only a few days to go see your sister? It is a good sign for you that your spouse is close to family! Avoid tantrums, they can appear as manipulation / selfishness on your part. Good luck! Praying for you!
  6. Thank you once again for your response. Maybe you can share this situation with your wife as well. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. X mas time is not just xmas it is the anniversary of the passing of his bdother in and nieces; so a very sensiti e time for them All and they have all vowed to spend it together. The thing is i cant negotiate with him. For him the 50/50 rule should not exist. Both people should always give 100%. Yet i feel iam the only one giving it. Idont know what to make of his behavior. He iz distant but last night he asked me if i wanted to go to the prayer circle group that we usually go to then he asked me if i wanted to go for ice cream, today he asked me to go to the movies and grocery shopping....i have said yes but when we come home he still comes back gets hi stuff and stays in the living room to sleep, shopping was just for the basic things we need keeping in mind he doesnt want me to cook and he makes no attempt to try to get close to me or hold my hand....when he told me didnt want me to cook for him etc he also said that we needed to talk but that there was not good enough time. This was a week ago...hes had time watching tv and inviting me to a movie but he is not coming out to say lets talk now and i am just waiting for him because i want him to come in hie in his own terms and when he is ready so i dont have to beg him to talk. But how much longer is he going to wait.
  7. I am not clear what it meant, but if the 50/50rule means: complementing each other, I agree.

    Man should know his role, and the wife should know her role, that is: completing each other.

    Although I more on the 100% rule : )

    The man and woman become ONE.

    In my opinion…… in this situation……he likes you to be ONE with his feelings toward HIS family….

    I think, currently, as I see it:
    You still see “them” as HIS family….
    And maybe he still see “them” as HER family….
    It seems that both of you spend time with their OWN SEPARATE visits...

    It may not be possible to spend the visit together due to individual time constraint….

    But if one is not there: a phone call saying “hi everyone, hope things are fine, am sorry I am not there” in that manner: the person is there in the spirit.

    That I think is reason for some “I feel alone/ alienated” in the story: that behavior applies to him and to her : )

    Also: it is most important to note: he ask you to a prayer group….
    …..that I think is the most promising part of the story: we try to solve problems in the light of the divine guidance…

    I am not a family counselor…. but I have my own share of fights as well... and what i said is coming from a man's perspective : )
  8. In short, what I am trying to say is: we’re one… i try to give the same love and attention to her mother as my own mother.
  9. Are you financially dependant on him?

    The answer is simple. You must do nothing with him until the two of you resolve the issue and he returns to the bedroom. Doing anything together is merely pro-longing the situation and the longer it goes on the more damage is being done.

    If you have $100, you take $50 and give your husband $50. That is loving others as yourself. That is how a relationship works. There is NO other way to have a successful relationship. In society those who are taken advantage of will one-day get back bone and get a divorce or those doing the trampling will lose even more respect for their partner and be tempted to cheat. A relationship is 50/50. Slavery and bondage is 100/0. If I give you 100% and you give me 100%, then it is in effect still 50/50 ( I get 100% of the 200% available).

    The death in the family was something worth budging on, an ''exception to the rule'' but your husband needs to understand that it is done now. Saying Christmas is a special occasion with his family means nothing. It is special with your family too. The relationship needs to return immediately to 50/50. It is the application of it that the two of you need to discuss.

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