Disappointed with engagement ring

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by laoxi, Feb 27, 2011.

  1. Hi guys,

    I am so sorry I am posting with such a silly problem. I got officially engaged last night, my fiancee met my parents, and after I dropped him off at home he presented me my engagement ring -- it's a sterling silver band. It's plain, and it is very shiny but it looks more like a wedding band. I told him I wanted a white gold engagement ring with a diamond, I don't care about the size of the diamond. I was planning on getting him white gold for his wedding band as well - I didn't say anything about the ring but I don't like to wear it. I know material things don't count and he's a godly man and all. But I cannot help but wonder if this is how it's going to be on our marriage - he doesn't earn much money around $11 an hour - but is this a sign I'm just gonna keep getting the "cheap" version of everything? He keeps reassuring me we won't live in poverty but I'm don't think I believe him until I sort out a realistic budget with him (especially after children come, we already said I wouldn't be working). How do I approach this money subject without making him feel bad??? :(
  2. Child, you better put serious prayer time in on this. I wish I could think of a scripture to point you to, can't think of any. But I will tell you what I would say to my own daughter, you are sounding like a spoiled brat. Do you love this guy or do you love the idea of a diamond. I know several people that skipped the diamonds at first because they could not afford it. Maybe you should do some pre-marriage counseling with your pastor or someone from the church that specializes in this type of thing.

    If that ring was all he could do, well would you have preferred to get nothing? How does he act otherwise? Do you guys do things within his budget or does he spend himself broke keeping you happy? I am focusing these comments on you because he is not here for me to quiz.

    If you want this to work, you need to start looking at the man and not the ornaments.
    Christine and forgivenWretch say Amen and like this.
  3. Why are you getting married?
  4. Sister--- I became engaged last summer and I loved my ring but my boyfriend was kind enough to take my suggestions for an engagement ring. If it is really bothering you, there are cheap alternatives to gold and diamonds. This page might give you some ideas and when the moment is right perhaps you could suggest an alternative: http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&rh=n:3890321,p_n_material_browse:114285011&page=1

    Yes, of course, you don't want come across as materialistic, however, I wanted a ring that symbolizes the love that my fiance and I share for one another, with God's blessing. I refused to get plain wedding band specifically because it did not represent my fiance or myself--- so I saved up money and purchased a nice (but modest) ring that has small diamonds (my birth stone) and green emeralds (for his Irish heritage). I will always cherish that ring because of the symbols on it. He chose his wedding band for the symbols on it as well. It's a small detail in a marriage, of course, but even the small details should never be overlooked.

    I would suggest praying about it and give it some time. Perhaps as you two move closer to setting a date and begin to work out the details of life together, you'll find that there is much you are so blessed to have in this man. While my fiance and I are on a strict budget, we both enjoy going on weekend adventures together, he loves to cook for me, and he'll help around my apartment. When ever I'm stressed, he does all he can to put a smile on my face. So while my engagement ring doesn't have huge diamonds (plus honestly they look super tacky to me), it is only a small symbol of his love for me.
  5. See I don't think this is fair: we don't know their whole relationship. Love and marriage is more about a ring, yes, its more than how much money a person makes, yes, but I am sure these two people have some wonderful qualities that make them match together enough to want to be married. It will take time to prepare for marriage (and I'm NOT talking about the wedding), but that is EVERY SINGLE COUPLE.

    She doesn't like the ring--- that is something she should take up with her husband-to-be. Don't judge people.
    xspinningisfun likes this.
  6. I agree. Feel blessed that you are getting married to the man of your dreams!
    If you are looking for pretty things in life constantyl, you are never going to be happy.
    It's nice to have nice things obviously. But if you are letting this engagement ring get you upset over you and your fiance, then I think you seriously need to pray about this.
    Pray that God gives you contentedness.

    With this comment that you did:
    It makes me question your feelings towards your fiance. ONLY because it seems that you are only seeking material things from your husband, and not love, respect, support, etc.]. THAT IS NOT WHAT MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE. Why are you getting married? I think you really need to ask yourself that.

    Trust me, my parents don't buy things for each other that much. SIMPLY because marriage is more than just that.

    I really think you should pray about this. Pray that God gives you a grateful heart for what you HAVE in your life, not on what you DONT have.

    I'm not judging, but I am worried what your expectations are in a marriage.
  7. I am not judging anyone! I asked a very simple question. Let me go back and re-read your response to her, I seem to remember some 'casting judgment'?
  8. I do not want to start a debate, that is not my intention at all, however, your comment sounded like a very loaded question with the possible intent of stating that this person is clearly not ready to marry this guy because she has an opinion about the engagement ring that he gave her.

    Thinking about this situation even more--- a red flag shows up to me: you gave him some suggestions, apparently he didn't want to listen to your suggestions. That would have me concerned. My fiance took my suggestions to heart and really searched for a long time before he found a beautiful estate ring for me that fit our budget (both my engagement ring and wedding bang totaled less than $1000 which meant we both had to pray about making such purchases--- he paid for my engagement ring and we're both paying for my wedding band) and had to save money to make such purchases. That is something that a couple needs to know how to do: budget and save and know when to say "no" and wait. I'm wondering if her husband-to-be has that capability or perhaps it is something that needs to be discussed before marriage (this is a topic that is close to me--- it is something that my own fiance and I work on still).
  9. Guys, I'm not sure this is really about a ring, the ring put her over the edge. Laoxi, I would not say anything about the ring just yet, but you do need to sort out your financial issues regarding what is important to both of you and how you plan to spend money before you get married. He doesn't make a lot and you are planning to be a stay at home Mom, so both of you are going to be looking at serious sacrifice. BTW, my husband got me a black hills gold ring that I hated and I went on Ebay and got what I wanted for $16.50. He wasn't upset about it. You're gonna have to wear it forever, I don't think that means you need to spend a lot of money, but you do need to like it.
  10. Guys, I'm not sure this is really about a ring, the ring put her over the edge. Laoxi, I would not say anything about the ring just yet, but you do need to sort out your financial issues regarding what is important to both of you and how you plan to spend money before you get married. He doesn't make a lot and you are planning to be a stay at home Mom, so both of you are going to be looking at serious sacrifice. BTW, my husband got me a black hills gold ring that I hated and I went on Ebay and got what I wanted for $16.50. He wasn't upset about it. You're gonna have to wear it forever, I don't think that means you need to spend a lot of money, but you do need to like it.
  11. Thank you all for your comments. Angelic Rose, thanks for being so understanding, you have a very sweet spirit!! I am well aware of how spoiled I sound and that does freak me out. The next day I prayed and I got peace about the ring, I decided to keep it as my wedding band.

    However, I am concerned about the reasons as to why I'm getting married. I met this godly man just last december, I was very impressed with his teaching at a youth group and we got to talking soon afterward. Our values, love for God matched and I felt very attracted to him. You see, he became saved during his teen years and felt that God would give him a wife specifically this year. He's never kissed a girl or ever had a girlfriend. I come from the "redeemed girl" background, with tons of mistakes but repentant about my former lifestyle (obviously God still has much to work in me), though I felt unworthy a man like him would look at me he did. He told me a couple of weeks after we started talking that I seemed to be the wife God had for him, though I felt it was too fast I decided to go ahead with the courtship. A couple of weeks later he set a wedding date, before giving me the ring. He says he sees no point in long courtships or engagements, etc. It just happened so fast. And honestly I don't feel the attraction or warm feelings I had for him in the beginning. Though I asked him to wait six or seven months before he proposed he told me he was being led by the Spirit and silly me, not wanting to be dominant like I had been my whole life with my former boyfriends I let him have his way.

    Now I don't know what to do. I had prayed about this and felt God telling me that my parents' approval would be God's way of telling me he's the one. They did accept him but are very concerned about his lack of a degree and that he doesn't splurge like they do, but they're not saved and my christian friends tell me God will provide financially during our marriage. So why am I getting married?? Because he said God was leading him and so did I, because I wanted our marriage would be used for His glory. But now his million pet peeves get in my nerves. We decided not to kiss still the marriage date but my attraction for him has also gone out the door.

    I gues I can only pray some more.
  12. I would talk to this husband-to-be and discuss how you've been feeling. My fiance and I have been dating for almost 5 years and we've been through a number of trials in our relationship where we did decide to call things off for awhile. We always kept coming back to one another though and I honesty think God used those times as a way to strengthen our love for one another. Even though my loved one can still do plenty to annoy me, I'm glad I'm the one by his side and he is ever so thankful to be by mine.

    If you don't think you can walk by this man's side, I would call things off--- calling off an engagement is much smarter than staying in an engagement and marriage that clearly might not work out.
    xspinningisfun likes this.
  13. A successful courtship period does not always result in a marriage. Sometimes, a successful courtship is finding out that you are not for each other without putting too much of yourself into it and living with regret. You two definitely need to talk. A lot. Get everything out in the open because you absolutely need to be on the same page.
    xspinningisfun and Rumely say Amen and like this.
  14. I do apologize if I came off as rude. I didn't mean to.
    I'm glad you have a peace about the ring.

    As of the reasons why you're getting married, see what God says. Continue seeking him. And I know that God will give you a clear understanding! :)
  15. And talk to him about how you are feeling. Be honest. Covering up your feelings won't do you good :) Pray for GOd's strength to be able to sit down with your fiance and tell him about what you are going through.
  16. I'm coming in a little late here, but I agree with Seneca...it's not about the ring.

    You don't sound spoiled to me. A spoiled child would not have been so humble as I took you to be. A spoiled brat would have simply complained without feeling bad or asking if she was right.

    If he is going to do something different from what she requested he should have explained why. To say I like the color red and always receive blue, to say apple pie is my favorite and be given pumpkin, to say I'm allergic to cats and have the boyfriend pick a cat out of the shelter... is not considerate.

    I don't know this guy, maybe he was embarrassed to admit he couldn't aford the ring she wanted, but I do know some men intentionally do the opposite of what their girlfriends and wives want - and they do it intentionally!

    Laoxi needxs to consider whether this is an omen of her future or a guy doing the best he can. Then she needs to consider whether or not he can support her and children. Always having bill collectors hound you will put a lot of stress on a relationship.

    Back to the ring...when a man can plan and save to get the ring his fiance wants, it helps indicate he can manage money and provide for his family. It's not a guarantee, but one indicator. If he can't even save up for the ring how is he going to support a wife he doesn't want to work...let alone a family?
  17. laoxi, I am seeing red flags in your last post. And it has nothing to do with the financial stuff.

    Kid, all I can say is WHOA! You really need to back up and pray and think on this. If your feelings for him are fading, this is a real problem. I am not sure you are just getting the jitters or there is a real problem manifesting here. Look, you should not get married "because". Just because he said "God is leading him" does not make that true. If you can't be this guy's best friend because to you he is a burr under your saddle, then back up. If his pet peeves make you crazy now, think what it will be like in a year, or two , or five or over a life time. God only lays out the path, you need to follow it. Remember God wants you in a happy, loving, normal marriage. There is very little I think of more miserable way to live than to be stuck in a marriage where there is no love or you can't stand the sight of each other. Again, I have to say it. You better think and pray real hard on this decision.

    As a matter of practicalities, yes God will provide. But if someone does not go out and be a man and provide, I honestly God is not going to drop money on your door step. This is not a comment against God. Babies cost lots of money. And you keep paying for at least 18 years. God has set rules for how a Christian man should behave. And providing for his family is one of the primary duties. It is no sin to be prosperous, in fact the Lord encourages it as long as it is done humbly, wisely and honestly. Now if you are willing to work with your guy and help him become what he needs to be, God Bless you have at it. You need to keep in mind it will be an uphill battle the entire way.

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