Desperate for some help!! Heartbroken and confused...

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by loveandhope, Feb 12, 2016.

  1. Hello everyone!
    My ex boyfriend and I were together for 5 years, we've been through a lot together. We got together pretty young, and we were still very immature. But we love each other, there's no doubt in that. It was a tough relationship though, my boyfriend was constantly talking to other girls and he's cheated on me. I forgave him every time and chose to love him and be faithful to him. Recently though, around the last year we were together he began to act more like my father than my boyfriend, I spoke to him about this because it was making me not want to be around him. Every time I tried to talk to him about something he'd get really defensive about it and wouldn't really hear me out. The longer that went on the more closed off I became with him. Then my grandma passed away from cancer, that was very hard on me. Slowly I was turning into a different person, and it was as though I began to rebel against my boyfriend, who at the time felt more like my dad. I began to drink more and refused to listen when my boyfriend wouldn't want me to. I also began to look for the attention in other men. It was horrible of me to do those things, I know that now, and I've given account of my mistakes to God. I felt like I didn't get the love and attention I wanted from my boyfriend because he was looking for other girls or acting like my father. I made a horrible mistake and I cheated on my boyfriend. Something I would've never imagined myself doing. He found out and was of course angry and hurt.. It broke both of our hearts. It hurt me to know I hurt him :( .. He wanted nothing to do with me at first, he went back to clubbing and drinking, but after a little while he wanted to try to work things out with me. For about 3 months we tried, and we were getting better. Of course it was a roller coaster of emotions, but we were really getting better. He told me that he loves me and had high hopes for us making it through this until he randomly couldn't do it anymore. I was truly remorseful for what I had done and asked for his forgiveness hundreds of times.. Its been two weeks since we've officially ended things. He started contacting me again a couple of days ago though.. I want to be with him so badly, I love him, and I want us to use this time to work on ourselves and get closer to God.. But I'm afraid I've lost him.. :( He told me today and two days ago that time is our hope and that he's scared that we'll never be together again.. I'm just so confused about how he's really feeling... I also think he's talking to someone else already.. :'( I heard he was getting a girl something for valentines day, I asked him about it without giving it away that I already knew and he said there was no one.. I know he loves me and wants to be with me and is only using that girl as a way to ease his pain.. But can him and I ever work? We want to be together, he just doesn't know if he can ever get passed what I did enough to really be with me. I've always chosen to see the best in him and despite what he's done to me I've loved him and been by his side. I wish he could do the same :( I don't know what happened to me that I allowed myself to be deceived by the enemy into doing what I did.. Is there any moving forward from this? Lately he's been the one to contact me, I haven't contacted him because I am trying to respect him and not force him into anything. I am sorry this is so long.. Its been so hard after we've broken up. :'( My heart aches. I am trying to trust in God. It's just so hard... Is there anyone that has gone through something similar that can help me? I am so sad and confused, I don't want to get my hopes up and then be crushed again if he says he can't do it again.. :( God bless and thank you in advance!!
  2. Sis, grab ahold of God and seek HIM.
    Yearn after God the Way you do for this man.
    With God, all things are possible. Amen
    Case, Mae853 and loveandhope says Amen and like this.
  3. From what you have written, it sounds like both of you aren't mature enough to be dating. Be it each other or anybody else.

    You talk about drinking, clubbing and cheating on each other. Please take with grace, but check your salvation. Are you truly saved? and if you are, are you in a relationship defined by loving God and obeying God?

    If you are saved, drop this relationship. I don't know all the details, but I can see that it is hindering your walk with God. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
    Case, Mae853, loveandhope and 2 others say Amen and like this.
  4. This sort of relationship, without a complete change of reference, will repeat itself over and over again.

    Any relationship based on expectation of being loved, is a set-up for being forever disappointed. It is a very conditional situation of I love you if you love me, and visa versa. From this all sorts of manipulation occurs to get the other person's love. And then when you get it, you somehow know that it may not have been unconditional, but on a proviso. etc.

    By placing Jesus Christ and God first in all things, truth will be the center stage of the relationship. It is a relationship that places humility of ego before the experience the exaltation of faith. True relationships require self-honesty, exposure of self, and vulnerability. In a funny way, instead of going to a wedding one is going to a funeral (of each other's ego).

    Spirit(truth) before ego-self(deception).
    The truth is, we love the other person's soul and spirit. We don't need love from the other, for we are already love from the spirit. This supports the other's spirit.
    The deception is, we bait the other person's attention and body for self-esteem, for enslavement to one's own flesh. This supports the other's mind and flesh.

    Now you know the difference. Discuss this with whoever you wish to have a relationship with, and make an agreement to place Jesus Christ and God first in all things.
    Elizabeth O, Mae853, loveandhope and 2 others say Amen and like this.
  5. First, I want to assure you, that if you and your boyfriend BOTH want to restore your relationship, and are willing to do the work necessary, it can indeed be
    restored through the power of our Saviour and of His Holy Spirit.

    You and your boyfriend should have intentions to get married, then go to a PROFESSIONAL marriage counselor for premarital counseling, including all of these
    past issues in the discussions. If the professional counselor is also a Christian counselor, that is a definite advantage, but I don't advise you to trade-off his/her
    christianity for his/her competence. Christianity is the only place in the world where someone becomes a railroad engineer because he turned his life into a train wreck.
    Seek out the credentials, avoid the "mail-order DD".


    Whether a christian or not, as Dr. Phil says, the most reliable indicator of a person's future behavior is his relevant past behavior. Of course, we can all be changed through
    our submission to God's will, but this is sometimes a very long road. The pain of being in a relationship with a serial cheater is not trivial to bear.

    If it is God's will for you two to be married, it will still be His will next year, next decade. He "changes not". As you do your work, be assured that Christ has provided
    lasting change in you both before your commitment.
    Mae853 and loveandhope say Amen and like this.
  6. Thank you! I will grab a hold of Gods plans for my life.
  7. Neither of us were committed to following God, it wasn't until recently that I chose to truly seek God. Thank you, I am trying to trust God through this process.
  8. Amen! I am praying that my future relationship is completely founded on God. I don't know if it will be with him, of course I hope it is, but I understand that Gods plans are greater than my own. Thank you for the reply!
  9. We do want to work this out, I just feel like I am more willing to fight through it than he is. I am praying everyday for God to show me what exactly He wants me to do. I truly believe that if God has it planned for us to be together then we will be whether it is now or years from now. It has just been a struggle of mine to truly trust God and what He is doing in my life. I wanted us to go to couples counseling a couple months back but he is more reluctant.
    He recently started writing to me again telling me he really wants me in his life, but that he can't promise we'll be together, and that he needs time so he wants us to take things day by day. He hasn't gone to church in a couple weeks. I am just not sure what to do. I want him in my life and I believe we can make it through this, but not if he isn't giving it his all the way I am trying to.
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me!
  10. I want to reply to a couple of things you said:

    Then, please, stop. God does not make our choices. He gives us guidance, wisdom, support, and blessings. It is up to you what you are going to do. Marriage is OUR choice.

    Please, don't make the mistake of thinking that God's will is always done in this world by people. It takes another person to make a marriage. If that person is unwilling
    to do the necessary work to present himself as a loving, sacrificial christian husband to you, God will not force him to do so. God never "works" against our will.

    My beloved sister, you must tell him in no uncertain terms that you are unwilling to "be in his life" without that promise, made before God, your family, and your friends.
    crownoflife and loveandhope say Amen and like this.
  11. I know of a woman who was captivated and in love with her boyfriend for years, even after he had moved on. She drove 500 miles to see him once, but it never came to anything.
    There was another couple, she had two kids to him but he moved on and had a few other kids to other women.
    You have to decide to move on and not live in doubt or confusion or maybe's.
    But like has probably been said, if God isn't the centre of your life then why make a mortal man the centre? we are false idols.
    if there is no God you have no hope, but there is a God and He sees but I don't think God ever chases us, He calls on us to chase Him.
    loveandhope likes this.
  12. Thank you, I never saw it that way. You've really opened my eyes. I am not sure what to do, but I am praying for myself and for him everyday, and I will pray that God may guide each of us.
    I spoke to him and told him that I can't be in something that isn't certain, but he just says he needs time because he can't just overlook everything that happened. And I want to wait until he is ready, but he isn't seeking God, not since everything happened. I'm just afraid that without God he will never work hard enough to make it through this together. I just feel very confused.. :(
  13. I have been working in myself these last couple months to make God the center of my life, I had not done so for so long. I feel that that is where he and I messed up, because we put each other first our entire relationship. I am just confused because I don't know if I am in the wrong to want more certainty out of him, or if I am supposed to give him more time the way he says he needs. Thank you for your reply!!
  14. No. You are in the "right" to want more certainty, because that is what God wants for you, and me, and all of His children who enter into, and remain in, marriage.
    The "uncertainty" is the paramount reason why God does not want us to participate in extramarital sex and affairs. The best possible expression of our sexuality
    is available only through trust in the person we give ourselves to and open our intimacy to.

    All of God's laws are for the purpose of providing His best-possible life for us. They were never intended to reduce our enjoyment and pleasure, in fact, an obedient life
    is a wonderful and much-to-be-desired life, while it is not a guarantee of no pain and suffering, it IS a guarantee that pain and suffering will be minimized.

    No. You are not "supposed" to give him any amount of time, at all. You may choose to give him more time, if you want, and you may choose to give him no more time, if you want.
    No matter which you choose, God will offer His same guidance, wisdom, companionship, and support to you, He will not love you more if you give time, and He will not love you less if you don't.

    This is not a factor you should even consider. "Meeting" his needs is for GOD to do. "Let go, and let God" is an old adage which applies here.
    There are people who God may bring into your life, to whom He will want you to become a "pipe" through whom He will deliver His blessings, His
    wisdom, His word, and whose happiness and welfare will be partially your concern. Those persons will be your husband and your children first, and
    will extend somewhat to those in the sphere of ministry you will develop as your walk with God continues.
    loveandhope and Klub say Amen and like this.
  15. Love has to do with honor and other aspects, but even though you may fail to honor someone you love, you ask forgiveness and do right moving forward. If you love God honor him, if you love yourself honor you yourself.
    loveandhope likes this.
  16. He has cheated, you cheated and you have both been together outside of marriage. The problem is crystal clear. Neither of you actually love God.

    Putting God first is not a good feeling inside. The good feeling that you are ok with God comes when you actually physically, literally put Him first. Jesus says we are known by our fruits. Not our feelings.

    I would say God may actually be in favor of you two working things out and coming back to each other. God wants to help but can't unless we do our part and put Him first John 9:31.

    Obey the first commandment from Jesus, Love God above all others. Not the second, which is to love others. We love God by obeying His commandments. Pray often1 Thess 5:17, attend church Heb 10:25, communion 1 Cor 11:25, forgiveness Matt 18:22, celibacy, marriage, faithfulness to the marriage 1 Cor 7.
    loveandhope and Klub say Amen and like this.
  17. I just feel like he isn't giving this his all. I want to give him more time because I love him and want to be with him. But it just feels like he's stringing me and this situation along further than he needs to. I have been and still am 100% willing to do the work it takes to make it through this, but if he continues to have one foot in and one foot out I know we won't. I don't know how to get him to see that. Right now he wants to do whatever he wants, he's looking to "live his life". I'm not sure what to do about that. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but his priorities are all over the place. I am trying to let go and let God, it's just been so hard to not try to stick my fingers in.
  18. Thank you, I am trying to honor God and myself in all of this.
  19. You're right. We didn't love God, not the way we should have. I have been working in my relationship with God and have been choosing to put Him first in my life. I am trying to do things right by God because I hadn't been doing that. But he's been pushing further and further from God, I have been praying that he'll seek God. But what he wants to do is live his life and go out. I know God can do the impossible, so I don't doubt that God can heal him and change his heart, but He can only do that if my ex is willing. We are trying to work things out, but I know we can't do this without God.
  20. Beloved, you can stop trying to "get" him to see it, because he ALREADY "sees" it.

    Precisely. He wants things to remain as they are, and he believes he can make it continue, based on past experience.
    loveandhope likes this.

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