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Desperate For Hope

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Dropsofhope, Feb 17, 2014.

  1. Sometimes it feels like my stomach is in my toes, my heart is breaking into tiny pieces and I'm only being held together with my children's silly putty and string. They (my children) are the only reason I'm not in bed 24/7 crying my eyes out and absolutely hopeless. I can't give up because then I'd be giving up for them too.

    My husband and I have been in Christian marriage counseling for three months. Areas we're working on: his pornography addiction, his disrespectful view of women and their "rolls", our inability to communicate without throwing hurtful and disrespectful judgments and words at one another, and his (yet to own up to it) selfish and self-seeking behaviors/thoughts/attitudes.

    The counselor tries so very hard to get through to my husband, but he walls up, shuts down and doesn't want to hear it. It hurts. I see no improvement outside of things that are easy to do, such as more housework help and helping with the kids more. Maybe he'll even take charge of paying one bill, or sending an email to our tax agent.

    Today is proving especially rough on me because last night at bible study the pastor said we should seek God like a marriage counselor tells us to seek our spouse. To be selfless and other-seeking instead of self-seeking. So today my husband "reminds" me that he needs more sexual fulfillment and that I am supposed to be seeking him.

    I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated and exhausted. I don't get five minutes to myself ever. If I "take" time for myself, like he tells the counselor he does, then I'm "taking" it from my children, from the dishes, from dinner, from laundry, from helping our oldest prepare for his play, or correcting his homework. Other's suffer. So I don't "take" time.

    I can't believe that upon hearing "seek your spouse", his go-to was to remind me to seek him, not to try and actively seek me. I'm so heartbroken. I don't even know what to do....I can't seem to find even a spark of hope.
     
  2. I don't understand the problem here. Doing your best not to stay in bed all day and crying would be a concern of mine if my wife wanted to do that. She has responsibilities as a wife, mother and a plan of God to follow.

    Are you saying the way your Husband is causes you to want to do these things? Or you want to do these things and cry all day in bed which causes problems with the Husband?

    What scriptures are you believing God on?

    If your throwing back hurtful things then Your already Ignoring what Peter said by the Holy Spirit. We can't Ignore God and expect things to get better. That just leads to more frustration.
     
  3. My husbands behavior has gotten me to the point that I want to crawl into bed and cry. My husband is the one that throws the hurtful comments at me when I try to talk to him about these things. It's something our counselor is working on with him. But I see little improvement and find myself afraid to talk to him about areas in our marriage and in the ways he interacts with our oldest son or family. Our oldest boy is afraid to talk to him or ask him questions as well and so is my mother and father because of his hurtful comments and quick defensiveness, even if things are brought to him in love. I just didn't want to make it sound like I had nothing in the relationship to work on, because that would be false. I'm supposed to be working on my fear of talking to him, and trying anyway. I'm also supposed to be asking him to help me with kids/house/home/bills/finances/medical/appointments/extracurricular activities/etc instead of trying to do it all myself because he doesn't want to do any of it and I don't want to have to ask him to help, cause I feel that he should help on his own because he's a grown man.
    Now that I am not working (due to twins and a surprise pregnancy 9 months later), our income was cut by more than half and we had to move in with my parents to make it. We still aren't making it. My lack of any control over our financial situation (daycare would take more than my pay) and my parent's inability to watch the children so I could work make for a stressful situation on top of marital and communication problems.
     
  4. I'd also like to clarify that I do NOT lay in bed all day and cry. I do cry a lot, but I make great effort not to cry in front of our children. I want to lay in bed and cry, but I get up early every day and make meals, get things rolling for the day and and I do not neglect duties or the children in the slightest. The fact that I am so busy with them and running everything makes it to where I can't lay in bed and cry, even if I do feel like that's all I want to do.
     
  5. Your not the first women to get no needed support from a husband.

    I base everything on the Word and believe God. My own wife ran off to sleep with another man on me, took me a year to stop crying like a school girl to God and stand up and start believing. feeling sorry for myself was stupid, but if you don't know, you don't know.

    A Man ought to treat the wife like Gold and be a leader. Women need to submit but never ever forced to submit, a leader will cause people to want to follow and submit. A man that mentions scripture to a wife about submitting is ignorant and does not know scripture.

    Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
    (Col 3:18)

    Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
    Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

    What's the scripture say......................... Men make your wives submit and remind them of the Word?

    NO, it says WIVES.............. WIVES.............

    God is not speaking to the man but the wife. That scripture is not for us, but for you girls. So I never mention anything about submitting to my wife. I keep quite and let God deal with her if I be right and I am not always right.

    With Porn, and strife I don't understand why living at your parents you don't throw his butt out. Granted you won't get more help by doing so, but any strife in a household brings every evil work and gives the enemy a place.

    I did not say divorce, I said cut him off until he gets his priorities straightens out. If he loves his family and wants to come back then God has to be first in his life.

    See, if we enable the person that does not want to serve God, it is not doing them a bit of good. If we allow a person to act the way they want and treat us the way they want then they have no reason to change anything.


    Don't be an enabler. Throw him out and let God deal with him. Make him decide what is important in his life.

    I want you to say, I am strong in the Lord and in the Power of His might, My God perfects those things that concern me. (Psa 138:8)

    say that all the time until it's real and take some action.

    blessings.
     
  6. I sort of get the impression here that his understanding of "seeking" is different from what the Bible teaches about seeking God. Essentially, what the Bible teaches us about seeking God is that He offers strength for our weakness: "Seek the LORD and his strength" Psalm 105:4. God wants us to seek Him simply as a response to understanding the limitations of our own strength. Similarly, spouses should seek each other because they need the support of the one person who is always on their side. To me, that's what it should mean to "seek." If I expect my wife to "seek" me, it means I should have something to offer her: she should find support, friendship, compassion, patience, humility, refuge and servanthood when she seeks me, and if she doesn't, I'm not doing my job right. Those things should be the reason she seeks me in the first place. Aren't these the things we find in Christ when we seek Him? How can any Christian husband fancy himself a leader and require submission, but refuse to submit himself to the example of Christ's leadership?

    These are some of the things I fully accept as my responsibilities; the things that my wife should find when she seeks me (and God bless her for her patience as I crawl along toward trying to meet these standards)...

    - Eph 5:25 Selfless, sacrificial love, following Christ's example
    - Eph 5:33 Love, as much as I would love myself
    - Col 3:19 Love, without harshness/bitterness
    - Col 3:21 That I would not exasperate her so that she loses heart (technically, this verse applies to how a father should be to his children, but it's important to me that I hold myself to that standard with my wife as well, and I include it here because I think it speaks to your situation).
    - 1 Peter 3:7 Understanding and honor from me
    - 1 Pe 5:2-3 (referring to general spiritual leadership) That any leadership should be by example, and not by compulsion
    - John 13:1-10 That a leader should be a servant, following Christ's example

    I hope that, at least, helps you to know that what you're feeling is not unreasonable. You have rights in your marriage, rights that in ancient Hebrew culture would have been protected by a legally binding contract of a man's responsibilities toward his wife (ketubah). I think you need a way to clearly communicate boundaries and expectations to him. Maybe your counselor can help communicate this. He may not take those boundaries on board, but at least they'll have been clearly communicated, and a third party will have communicated that they are reasonable expectations. I think all Christians can, at the least, agree that it's not the intention of marriage to lock anyone into a life of hopelessness and compulsory submission to unreasonable demands. However you decide to go about protecting your marriage rights, I can only hope that your brothers and sisters in Christ can offer you compassion and support as you struggle through that pain.
     

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