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Dealing with an ex...

Discussion in 'Biblical Advices' started by MstngDrvr, Jul 29, 2008.

  1. Dealing with an ex...

    So basic rundown here. For the past number of months I have been feeling so hurt by a situation that I dont have the strength to go to the church and Bible study group I had been going to. The thing is this church and group were my first real sense of belonging in a Christian community and I am still close friends with many of the people there...enough so that they are my main social group. The problem is is that I got in a relationship with one of the girls there. She came to our group after having broken up with her boyfriend she was with for two years because he was not a believer. We hit things off and started a relationship about a month after we met. I realize this may have been too fast...too late now.

    The thing is her ex kept pressuring her to get back together with him. She talked to me about how annoying he was being and how he wasnt getting that she really meant she was never going to date him again. But...somehow this guy found God and became a believer, and he let her know how much of a struggle he was having with his friends and family and how she was the only he could count on basically. My recollection is fuzzy but I think she had a bigger 'were not getting back together ever' conversation with him after that...and obviously because we were in a relationship I knew all about what was going on.

    Anyway...a few weeks later our relationship basically just crashed. It happened during a week moment on my end, I had been a bit frustrated with her and how she was treating me and just asked her that I felt that she could be more encouraging...she said she didnt want to date anyone anymore. It was probably a week or two later that we really talked about it...and she revealed to me that she was talking to her ex again, that she felt she had no reason to not date him anymore, and that she felt I didnt meet her expectations and she hadnt been thinking straight and just changed her mind.

    That was admittedly a while ago. As of today we have started communicating again a little bit after a number months of no real contact (some fbook messaging, but no talking). She has continued to go to our church and Bible study...I have been so hurt that Ive avoided it, but still keep up with friends outside of it. I feel like Ive mostly been able to get over the mean things said (i.e. you didnt meet my expectations) and the way she blew me off in a weak moment. However, the way she just went back into a relationship that I believed she clearly lead me to believe she never would is really too much. Id love to be able to just get over it...but dont seem to be able to.

    What kind of Biblical advice is there on how to handle this? I have told her clearly what is the real hurt and that I have not been able to get over it. She told me I must be holding back and to just get over it.

    Would it be ok to handle this according to matthew 8:15? Basically, was it wrong for her to by her actions become so involved with me and through words lead me to believe her ex was truly out of the picture for good...and then straight change her mind? (matthew 5:37)

    In our conversation I did tell her I felt that she could do alot to make it easier for me to get over this, but that she couldnt do it all and I would still have to do my part. She had been telling me that she really didnt know what she could do. (admittedly after alot of deliberation and beating around the bush because I didnt want to anger her) I told her that I felt she should at least consider either planning on getting married and going to a different church, or ending this relationship and staying at this church...and it would be something she should seek Gods will (some background...she has committed to neither him nor this church in 3 years now, no plans to marry him at all ever and no desire to seek membership). She didnt agree...but wasnt angry with me, was I out of line in making that suggestion? I was really careful to leave it a suggestion and not a demand.

    I do feel like this girl contributed much into pushing me out of this church. Although she has said numerous times I can just go and its my choice to not. She has a point and I dont blame her for everything (like me not being able to plug into a different community, and i was a very willing participant in our relationship in spite of some (with hindsight) clear evidence she wasnt ready).

    I still care about this girl, there may be...ok there probably is a part of me that would want her back in spite of the way she has treated. Foolish perhaps, but sometimes your heart doesnt respond logically (I keep this in mind about her and going back to this other guy as well...helps me understand her a bit better). However, for the most part I just want peace and to be able to be around her in fellowship without feeling constantly hurt, rejected, and unloved. I think I have been able to forgive her in the sense that I dont seek any retribution and try to approach this with her best interest in mind as well as my own (and even this other guy).

    Lastly, much appreciation for anyone who managed to actually read through this. Mostly I just want to have a better sense if Im on the right track or way out of line.
  2. Welcome to CFS. My humble advice for you brother.

    I recently met a girl at Church/Bible study too. We broke up pretty quickly. We went into it too fast and didn't really know each other.

    God seems to work very slow in our eyes. We should do the same. Relationships should advance so very slowly, and should be a good, no, a great, intimate friendship before even thinking of making further steps. God's voice is usually something we hear over time and light is shed over time, so we must have patience, not being anxious, but trusting in God and always seeking His thumbs up for our decisions. That His perfect will may be done, not ours. Try not to give into the wanting things "now now now", and "this way, it must be this thing and that thing, that's what I want." When we do that we're usually reaching for a $20 bill in a tree with all our human effort, meanwhile God wants our attention because He's lowering a branch to you with several $100 bills on it.

    You said you don't have the strength to go to church and bible study... The Lord is where you get the only strength that matters, my advice is spend personal time in prayer and worship and in His word, and try your best to go back to church for the purpose of communion with the body of Christ, that being your goal, not to do any "side-missions". Try to be pure and just about this in God's eyes and He'll be on your side. Then you can stand for what the Lord wants and you can't be wrong that way. You can go back to church without worry, and work things out kindly with an attitude like that of Christ.

    She hurt you, but when we hurt each other in this world we typically do it blindly. We are all blind, but we must say Father forgive her and let me do so, she knows not what she does. Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving of life. I'm sure you hurt her too, that's what human interactions do because of our flaws and sinfulness. Don't take it personally my brother, but see it for the spiritual confusion and blindness in this world that it is and that only our King Jesus can fix.

    My advice is don't look for the way's she's wrong. That'll make her mad. She will have to edify on her own. I'd look for the ways that you're wrong. If it's not obvious, honestly search and find your flaws. Not to depress yourself, but to change yourself and to become more Christlike from this experience. For the only real gain is this. No one will profit by the flesh, only by His spirit are you made in his image. When you were born again you were saved by the spirit by His grace. In the same way you continue your journey and transform and get to know Him more. Seek Him and all things you need shall be added unto you. Pray for His will in your life and His grace abound in your life, that what He wants done will be done, not what you want done. What we want is never what we truly want.

    Suggestions to her should be kept to a minimum. It's foolish to be too quick to share your wisdom, we must know that we are fools and hesitate giving advice even when we think it's right, because we never really understand other people, and our suggestions aren't perfect and create turmoil, without us knowing why. All I'd speak to her is forgiveness, peace, hope, congrats, truce, sorry, kind of stuff. From my experience, trying to figure out what she needs is dangerous ground especially if you plan on telling her in one way or another. She like us all needs hope and to be pointed to the Lord and completely forgiven.

    She didn't push you out of the church. Our battle is against principalities and powers int he spiritual realm. Look into and try to identify the demons and things not of God, that kept you from going back. It was them, not her. We all have our demons, but when we blame the people and not the demons, we make those people our enemies and it's pretty much impossible to make peace until we identify hat it's not them we're fighting, and they're just as lost. We're all just trying to find our way, let's not blame each other, but identify the enemy and attack him by God's guidance, word, and by prayer.

    Basically, I encourage you to seek the Lord, spending time in prayer and His word, and don't forget worship. Sincerely thank and worship Him for anything you can. As a Father He certainly wants to bless you, but wants to see your appreciation. My opinion is that you need to look at it as you two are NOT together anymore. There has to be forgiveness and and new friendship. Most hard feelings, rejection, and all that's holding you back is just in your head, and she'll be feeling those things too. In Jesus' name don't let those things stop you. You can go to church and see her as a friend. You don't need to worry about what you'll say, just ask for God's guidance int he Spirit, be Christlike, and say the truth, noting that you two are friends now. IF there ever was to be more than a friendship there again, you should be friends for quite a while again anyways, so there should be no pressure and indecision in your mind, you should be solidly saying "We are just friends".

    The enemy is at work 24/7 and your mind is the battlefield of your own, and the war is in the spiritual realm not seen. Armor up my brother and fellow soldier. Put your focus on the Lord, the battle is His and our part is actually quite easy, we just make it hard by being stubborn, argumentative, and afraid to step out in faith. ;)

    I lift you in my prayers and that you have the wisdom and receive the grace to live out God's plan for yourself in this area in particular. I admire you, you say you want to know if you're out of line. That shows you want the truth, you want to be under God's plan, and in the right kind of thing. Pray for God to keep you int he right and to open your mind and heart as to what that may be, for it's never what we think it is and what we want. So we have to be ready to move out of our own wants and be selfless. Die every day so that Christ may live in you more every day. He'll transform you in His image and bless you greatly, bring great things into your life and to the people around you. Jeremiah 33:3 - 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.' Unsearchable things means incalculable, unfathomable, unimaginable things. He will go beyond what you could ask for or imagine. He's all-faithful, altogether lovely.

    That's my Jesus - you better believe it. ;)
  3. Sometimes we just have to step back from a situation and just let God work it all out in His timing.

    People will always hurt us and we have to realize that sometimes their hurt to us comes from some one who hurt them in the past and they are harbouring bitterness and maybe don't even know it so they pass this on to others as a means of escape and they think that makes them feel better . Well to a certain extent it does but it is only temporary. The only way is to take it to Jesus ask forgiveness for the person and then ask forgiveness for yourself. Because unless and untill .... forgiveness is applied in one's life there will be no peace.

    You are probably a very sensitive person ( And that is not a bad Characteristic ) but people take advantage of others like that and satan has a way of opening that side of us to focus on those problems and taking our focus off of God .

    Recoginize that Christ is our main focal point and our first person we should go to and pour out all of our thoughts and problems to.Him He will help you to work out these issues as you submit them all to Him. After all He wants His children to come to Him with everything however insignificant we think it is.

    I am not belittling your feelings cause I know they are real as I have gone through a lot of the same thing being a sensitive person as well. Over the years I have come to understand the verse where it says about all that we have done , if we can feel that we have done our best then like I said just remove yourself from the relationship for now ,brush the dust from your feet and move on.

    Satan wants to keep you from fellowship with other Christians and I would advise you to return to your church and other Christian friends, read your Bible and get instruction from the Holy Spirit.

    Over the years , I have had people come and go from my life and God always provides for some one better. My best friend always had a negative attitude and it wasn't until I was going through my divorce that I had to say to her, that I could not handle all her negativity and just had to close that relationship, but God came through with other friends who are true and loyal so trust God , He will always give you better than you had before.

    You see people will always fail us but we serve a big God who will never , never and I can't stress .... NEVER more..... Fail us . God is bigger than all our problems. Return to Him and see what He will do for you in your life.

    God bless you and I hope this helps .

  4. Hi MD, I am sorry for your pain and you are in my prayers. The biblical admonition I can give you is to forgive her, him and yourself. This is one of the cornerstones of the Christian faith and is the first step on the path of freedom.
    It is one of the dark ones strategies to separate a sheep from the flock where it is the most vulnerable. Like any predator he seeks to keep you away from the very thing that can help you. Go back to church and press in towards God. He is the source of your healing and He has everything you need. As far as that young lady and your relationship I can tell you this-
    If God is in it she will come back to you, if He is not then (even if you can't see it now) it is better to move on. It is hard to receive the wonderful things God has planned for our lives when we are clinging to everything else. I speak these things from experience- God has a better way for us. We must simply seek Him and trust Him to provide it. Again I am sorry for your pain and I am praying for you.
    Many blessings in Jesus wonderful Name, your brother Larry.
  5. In my humble opinion and correct me if I am wrong MD..... I think MD is a girl.:D:D
  6. Apologies :p- I liked it when the icons told us who was male and who was female.:)
  7. She's a lesbian ? :p
    I think it's a male Dusty lol.. Read carefully how he got into a relationship with one of the girls, in the first paragraph..

    My advice to you MD brother, is to stop blaming her and to not blame God but to blame Yourself for making a mistake. Ask God to reveal what your mistake is to you and learn from it, or else if you remain selfish and blaming others but you then you will never reach a conclusion.
    Build your faith in God the Father and Jesus Christ our Lord before seeking any earthly thing. Seek God, then He will help you achieve greater things.
    I promise you, the more you're going to try and get girls, the deeper you're going to fall. Let go and give it all to the Father :)

    To you and to Mark, my brethren, any form of relationship now is too early. You should know the girl and her parents, and her whole life, how she is, how she acts in every situation, befriend her, notice her ways, her beliefs, who she puts first, Jesus, others, then her, or herself first above all ? It could take 2 years, but amen, at least you'll know that you will be married if both of you are made for one another, and pray about it. Ask her father if he lets you take her in marriage, it's not your decision, nor her's only, it's her father's and her's.

    Nice post Mark, pretty much agree.
  8. One of the biggest pieces of wisdom that I can give to you is that you can not control how other people act, you can only control how you respond.

    This girl did things which hurt you deeply, but you can not change her past actions towards you, her present actions, nor her future actions. The only thing you can change is your own actions and outlook. You can not depend on another for your happiness.
  9. Now I am really confused MstngDrvr are you a guy or a girl?:eek:
  10. That's strange, it says he's/she's female in her/his account... so a lesbian ?? :S
  11. First of all, thanks for all the prayers and support. I really appreciate the time, effort, and consideration that went into your replies. Its not been easy, and this is still a struggle, but overall I dont blame her for either ending the relationship or for me not being happy and life not working out the way I would like afterwards. The Bible does say to first remove the plank from our eye before we can even see the speck in anothers. Its been difficult for me to not feel hurt and wronged by the way she got back into her old relationship. Mostly because she and I had conversations about it and she clearly said she want not going to ever do that, and she also had the same conversations with the other guy. She was under a great deal of emotional duress and turmoil...but I still feel like she said one thing and did something else and it was simply wrong of her to do that. That said...am I being totally unreasonable in that belief? The other part of it is that I really think if she had gone back because this guy was the love of her life and she just didnt realize it at the time...then fair enough (not that it would make it less wrong, just more understandable). I just find stagnant relationships that arent moving towards marriage seemingly ever to be sad and heartbreaking...I have a good friend in the same circumstances. Only being able to be happy by not moving and moving forward is kind of sad. Not that maybe that doesnt apply to me in a way in this case ;-).

    PS Sorry to disappoint, no lesbian here...just a forum registration klutz ;-)
  12. Brother I am glad you're a brother first LOL :p
    Secondly, I suggest taking what we have said to you into consideration. I can understand (believe me) what you're going through, and it's the most hurtful thing ever.
    But God saved me from a girl back then, Hallelujah! and My whole life changed as soon as I got RID of her, that means I stopped talking to her completely! cut all contact with her!
    This is what needs to be done by you, don't be deceived, don't say it wasn't God's will for you (though it's probably not), say it is your fault and your mistake and pray to God to lead you in a better path.

    She's even more lost than you are, and her words are not honest to me. Be careful, I really suggest cutting all contact with her because I doubt you will be over her soon. Why I'm suggesting this, is so that you may Focus on Jesus Christ our Lord and God.
  13. Yah me too, and I meantioned to brother Jeff and he said he would work on it .

    So the profile is wrong ????
  14. Ramsey ..... It's cause I read the profile and it says female that's why. But now MD has cleared his name ..... he he and thanks sorry for the confusion every one. Just a nosey senior reading the profiles and I guess it gets me in hot water. No offense please.:D:D

  15. :goodpost::goodpost::goodpost:That is the best advice.

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