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Dating Someone Your Cousin Dated...

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by FlattyFord, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. Ok,

    I am interested in someone my cousin dated. I never knew her when they did date (which was not long) He never introduced her to the family or at least his parents. I met her out in town. We clicked instantly. It would take too long to get into the details in how we click. I have dated other girls, even engaged to one, but I can say I never clicked like this on so many fronts with someone. She loves the Lord, has the same mission, loves people and has the same sense of humor.

    She and him dated briefly and had sex. She ended it 7 months ago. Yes I see how that is odd, and I would not want to be in this position. But I also don't understand why the Lord would allow is to meet randomly and the areas she is weak she knows I'm strong, and I see her heart and though I have not slipped in that area of the physical in my walk really, I still see her genuineness and brokenness and want to be more that way too. I can only say she has all the major things I want in a woman, plus the little toppings that God did not have to throw in with anyone. Every time we talk it is usually for hours or at least no more than 3 minutes of silence if that. I have been in prayer for a wife, and even had friends praying and one asked for specific hair color. I said that was not important and than 2-3 hours later I said red hair and green eyes. Well she is everything in a woman I love. The woman I wanted but no one else had all these things that I have dated before, but they were nice and good girls. And she has red hair and green eyes.

    I have told a guy friend the details of our friendship and he understands the awkwardness, yet knows I have never talked about another girl like this. (actually 2 good buddies noticed that). I have been praying and do plan to seek counsel. I can say that common sense says no, as well as the bro-code, but I also do not want to regret not trying. The last thing I want to do is hurt my cousin, though he didn't treat her that well. She knows this is consequence for her sin and she is so sorry. She said she'd be willing to apologize to him and any family members.

    I figure if I was to pursue her there may be backlash, or gossip....

    Trust me this is really one of the hardest things I have have been confronted with. College, car, etc choice never this intense. Thank you for you humbled replies. God Bless!!!
  2. Get 'er dude! Your cousin had his chance, now it's your turn. The awkwardness will pass, and your cousin is mature, he'll understand. Love is a battlefield, and sometimes you have to risk some battle scars to win the war!
    Heidi von Liebenstein likes this.
  3. Can you talk to your cousin and tell him how you feel?
  4. I foresee clouds on the horizon. ..
    Kurt75 likes this.
  5. Sweet Pea, yes if we decide to go forward with this I would definitely want to talk to him in person.
    brother bike, what do you mean by clouds on the horizon? As in trouble?
  6. brother Mike, what do you mean by clouds on the horizon? As in trouble

  7. God and the devil send woman our way. We just have to be certian of which camp our partner comes from as we should not ever waste our time dating someone we don't want to marry. So lets judge her....you say she is saved, but what sincere Christian will fornicate? It is made worse that it was after merely brief dating.
  8. Hi King J:

    Thank you for your input. Yes, I agree with you. At the same time to be fair I may have to explain somethings. I know pastors in my church who in their early walk had had sex before marriage (as Christians). We are not perfect. I may not have fornicated since my walk but I can admit I was a self-righteous pharisee who hid it very well. But with that being said, even if it was not the whole cousin thing, I would be cautious to see her walk and brokenness. There are also reasons why she did what she did which she knows are not excuses for anything she did in her past. She was taken advantage of sexually by a guy she knew and felt like trash so acted out after that. She regrets her past, and did so before she met me. Other than that, she is a very thoughtful caring young woman. Has a heart for the homeless, which I have seen her actively feed them or buy coffee for them. Easy going, a gift of joy, teachable, etc...

    Trust me, I have no idea why the Lord would bring the dream girl to me yet this be the situation. ughhh.
  9. Enough said! ;) (y) James 1:27
  10. What do you mean? As in being open to getting to know her?
  11. You could be right... it may mean that she isn't sincere, but that might not be the case. I am a sincere Christian and I fornicated. To this day, I feel guilt even though I know I am forgiven. I wouldn't throw her out just because of that... she could feel terrible about it and never do it again. I would look at the whole picture before deciding on her character.
  12. Yeah, I'd def take things slow. And with the whole cousin thing I have to count the cost. If that were not in the equation than it would be a bit easier. I was why would she cross my path? Everything I'd want and this is the situation. Like a bullet hitting a bullet. I'll be honest, it would be harder to date after due to the fact I would have this standard set and feel I would compare how we are to how I would be with anyone else. I'm 35 and have dated so its not like its the 1st or 2nd girl I've met. We are not talking/texting communicating for month to see where God leads either one of us and pray for His will and clarity. Also going to talk to two pastors, my parents, sister to see what they think.
  13. For sure bud. Good luck, praying things work out for you!
  14. Thank you, if we did not get along so great and she wasn't the way she is I would not even flirt with the idea. But I honestly have to say I have never met anyone like her and the thought of not being able to in the future is pulling on me too.
  15. I am not saying it can't work; all things are possible with the Grace of God.

    But humans are humans; family entanglements can be touchy when it comes to 'sharing' a women with a family member. Remember what God, Jesus and Paul said about 'cleaving'? Cleaving never goes away-it can be dulled and forgotten for a time-but once it is done; it's done.

    I would say that if you have a super Christianized family relationships with all in involved-time, prayer and obedience to God can resolve anything.

    Work on your priority #1 relationship first: the one between you and Christ.
  17. I understand, my family are not believe for the most part. That's why I am not into rushing into anything.
  18. This does not boil down to a question of character, or whether she will "do it again".

    Consider that you are married to her, and that she never "does it again". Then, it boils down to how YOU feel about it. Will you be able to have enjoyable and free sex with her for the rest of your life? Or, will you constantly live in a "comparison" mode with your cousin, wondering if she liked him better, if she wishes she were with him instead of you, etc?

    If you can do this, free and clear in your own mind, without "comparisons", without "wondering", etc, then perhaps you should continue and pursue the relationship if you find her interesting like you say you do.

    If not, then I think it would be best for you to move on. If you have any of these feelings now, they will get worse after your marriage.
  19. What do you mean by this? I hate to be new here and disagree, but with my ex... I have absolutely no feelings what-so-ever for him. I regularly think about how I am glad I am not in that relationship anymore and never have to go back. I guess my situation was more extreme than most people's though.
  20. That's a great point. Anytime someone has a history of that nature, it can create jealous feelings for a spouse. I'm not sure there is a way to get around that, either. God gave us rules for very good reasons.

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