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Dating/marriage And Opposite Sex Boundries

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Jon1, Dec 25, 2013.

  1. I have a gf who I'm considering marrying at some point, however, I don't feel we are on the same page as far as boundaries with the opposite sex. She is in nursing school and has male classmate friends who text or call her for mostly school related things. He called today on Christmas eve at around 10:30pm to talk about school and say merry Christmas. They also text back and forth about school even at midnight. I actually trust her and don't believe there are any bad intentions, but I still don't think it is appropriate. When I try to discuss it with her, she pretty much just keeps saying I don't trust her. She says the guy is half her age and is possibly gay. I really don't are what he is. I feel she should lean on female classmates if she needs support. Any thoughts?
     
  2. Don't be unequally yoked: if you can't agree in your beliefs pre marriage, you probably won't post marriage.

    If she is not willing to respect your perspective now; why would she start in the future? We reap what we sow......

    I would suggest biblical couples counseling with your Pastor.
     
    Terri A. Constant likes this.
  3. #3 TJW, Dec 26, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2013
    I want to suggest something to you. That you, when speaking to her, should speak in terms of how her actions make you feel, not "I don't think it's appropriate for you to...."

    Saying to her " inappropriate " creates an argument. It is an accusation which attacks her
    character. That's why she says "you don't trust". There's no resolution possible, unless
    she is actually cheating. If she's not, she can't prove it :)

    If you want to know whether this woman is a good candidate for marriage, say to her:
    "When you have friendships with other men, I feel ________".

    Framing your statement in this way eliminates accusation, and gives her a chance to choose and respond from her intellect, rather than from the pain of your accusation.

    If, as a result, she stops the relationships, then she is demonstrating empathy and respect for your feelings and emotional well-being. This is the kind of person you want to marry.

    If she doesn't stop, then I would cross her off the list as a potential life's mate. Successful marriage requires people who are willing to empathize and change themselves so as not to hurt their spouses.
     
  4. Great advice so far. Thanks so much....
     
  5. Have you asked her how she would feel if you were doing the same with a female? Sometimes we have to see ourselves in the situation to understand. Maybe she just isn't thinking about it.
     
    Apologia likes this.
  6. I did ask her. She says she would be OK with it.
     
  7. She believes as long as it's innocent like talking about school or something. It's fine.
     
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  9. Trust and friendship are cornerstones of a strong marriage. I think you need to take more time in this relationship, and better yet, sit down with her for a long talk about this and other concerns you have. By now, you should also have talked about topics such as family, children, work, career, husband and wife roles and of course Christianity and/or religion. Don't rush into this marriage before having more confidence going forward. The thought of marriage is a little scary, but it should never be fearful - you should be excited and joyful. Take care and God bless you.
     
  10. ="g


    beecher, post: 302374, member: 13071"]Trust and friendship are cornerstones of a strong marriage. I think you need to take more time in this relationship, and better yet, sit down with her for a long talk about this and other concerns you have. By now, you should also have talked about topics such as family, children, work, career, husband and wife roles and of course Christianity and/or religion. Don't rush into this marriage before having more confidence going forward. The thought of marriage is a little scary, but it should never be fearful - you should be excited and joyful. Take care and God bless you.[/quote]
    t
    Thanks so much. So far the only compromise we've come to is the texting and calls would be limited, but not stopped. Limited as far calling too late. Oh well, next semester starts next week. We'll see. I feel nervous about it.
     
  11. You should be pursuing a Christian woman who is serious about her faith. That means that the people she hangs out with are serious about their faith as well. A Christian woman who is serious about her faith has no time for close friends who are not serious believers. She may have close male friends when she is single who text and call late at night. It's possible. But when she enters a serious relationship with another male, her other close male Christian friends naturally understand that their dynamic of friendship has changed and they stop calling the middle of the night out of respect for you. This is the proper behavior of other Christian friends.

    The problem here is obvious to me. She's not serious about her faith and she and her friends are disrespecting you.
     
  12. I agree with, but to be fair, this supposedly isn't a close friend. He's a college classmate. He is one of two that she texts, but this one also calls and it's always about something school related.
     
  13. Right! This is exactly my point. She is not serious about her faith. Her friends are (likely) not believers. If her college classmate was a believer, and he knew that she was in a serious relationship with you, he would have respect for that and not put you in a position to make you jealous by calling and chatting in the middle of the night. At the same time, if she had respect for you, she would cut the ties out of love and respect for you. But she has chosen not to do that and has no respect for your discomfort.

    Bottom line is that she favors late night communication with her friends over your relationship with her. And don't believe for a second that "it's about school work." You can guarantee it's a bunch of flirty nonsense. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be uncomfortable with it, right?
     
  14. Thanks. I really appreciate your advice. From what I read in the texts they weren't flirty, but I'm still uncomfortable with it. If they were flirty I wouldn't even bother with her.

    te="Kurt75, post: 302487, member: 12099"]Right! This is exactly my point. She is not serious about her faith. Her friends are (likely) not believers. If her college classmate was a believer, and he knew that she was in a serious relationship with you, he would have respect for that and not put you in a position to make you jealous by calling and chatting in the middle of the night. At the same time, if she had respect for you, she would cut the ties out of love and respect for you. But she has chosen not to do that and has no respect for your discomfort.

    Bottom line is that she favors late night communication with her friends over your relationship with her. And don't believe for a second that "it's about school work." You can guarantee it's a bunch of flirty nonsense. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be uncomfortable with it, right?[/quote]
     
  15. Thanks for all the comments. Here's an update. The texting is minimal now and she agreed to keep me informed if and when he calls. New semester is here and she didn't tell me she paired with this guy as her lab partner for physical assessment (nursing). So they basically practice the physical exam on each other in lab and do a full exam on each other for a grade. I wasn't happy she didn't inform me of this until I asked.
     
  16. I think Brother Mike had the best advice.. If you feel that there is difference in values itself, then it is going to be very difficult to work it out.. It will always come back biting.. Right now it sounds like there are only attempts to make things look acceptable.. Like putting patches.. And not addressing the core problem - which is difference in the values..
     
    AllieWi likes this.
  17. I agree with brother mike.

    I would like to add, do you think that your gf talking to another student about school work is unbiblical? In my humble opinion, it sounds like you have security issues that you need to pray about. If you are insecure at this stage in the relationship, then when you get married these insecurities will only be magnified.

    My advice is to let her talk to as many guys as she wants. This will not only help you work on your insecurities, but it also help you see what type of woman she is. It will let you know if she can be trusted. If you can't handle her talking to another student, what happens when you guys are married, and she has a job at a hospital. Are you going to regulate when she talks to her boss, if he happens to be a male, and it's in regards to work?
    I recommend letting her talk to whoever she wants, especially at this stage of the relationship. It will either help you to gain more trust in her, or you will find that you can't trust her. Either way, it's good to know this before you enter a marriage with her.
     
    AllieWi likes this.
  18. I never said she couldn't talk to other guys and she already works in her field. If you think I'm insecure because a guy from school calls and texts her then you're entitled to your opinion. I'm different. I personally wouldn't call a female classmate anytime I felt like it even if it was school related.
     
  19. Sorry brother, I guess I misunderstood your post. I thought you were saying you didn't like her texting other guys. If that were the case, I meant to say that the action is insecure, and maybe not you directly. Especially if you guys are only dating, and not married. Best regards.
     

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