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Confusing Situation

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Michael22, Jul 29, 2012.

  1. I recently just went through a break-up with my girlfriend (who is 20 years old) of almost 3 and a half years. However, I feel greatly unsettled as to why this break-up even happened. Let me explain.

    This past December my girlfriend said that she felt that she was being "pressured" to get married, and that she had just suppressed the pressure. Obviously, since we had been dating for so long marriage was now on the table. But, she said she felt pressured and expected by everyone to get married... and that because of this, she felt she needed to break up with me. But at the same time, she told me that it shouldn't matter that she felt pressured, because she knew that she truly loved me and cared for me. So over a few weeks we prayed together and talked a lot with each other, and eventually that feeling went away. However, at the beginning of June this year that same feeling came back, where she told me that she felt "uncertain," "scared," and afraid that she might have to break up with me. However, we both talked it over and she felt relieved and confident when she talked to me. But, this time that feeling didn't fade away... and about 5 weeks ago she decided that she needed to break up with me.

    However, I felt unsatisfied as to why she broke up with me. And I remembered that my girlfriend has visited a friend the day before she broke up with me in order to explain what was going on in her mind and get reassurance that she was doing the right thing. So I contacted this friend (she's my friend as well, and wanted to help me figure out what was happening) and asked her about the situation. This is what she told me:

    My girlfriend said that she had grown up and realized that she needed to figure out her life. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, what she wanted to be, etc... and felt pressured by everyone's expectation for her to get married. She felt that since she had no idea what to do with her life, that she was therefore not ready nor prepared to deal with something like marriage yet. But at the same time she felt like everyone was expecting her to get married and felt pressured. My girlfriend felt "stuck," that this was it: that she would graduate, get married, and then never have the opportunity to figure out her life and what she wants. But at the same time my girlfriend DID love me, and wanted to spend her future with me. And so she tried to stay with me... but in the end all of that pressure got to her and gave her too much stress. She was constantly struggling in her mind since she did love me, and wanted to be with me... but knew that she was not ready for marriage yet since she needed to figure out her own life.

    And this is the part that confuses me. Essentially, this break up had nothing to do with our relationship. My girlfriend loved me, was happy to be with me, wanted to marry me, and thought we were a great couple! But for the past few months she was no longer happy since she felt "trapped" into doing something she wasn't prepared for. That she was not happy with who she was, and she needed space and time in order to figure that out before she committed her life to someone else. But, since we were in a relationship she had to break up with me to relieve that constant pressure of being expected to get married. She is trying to set her own expectations for her life. So it wasn't that being with ME was what caused her to break up, but that being in a relationship right now was giving her stress, and she felt pressured to get married before she had figured out her own life for herself.

    But, I don't really know where to go from here. This break up had nothing to do with our relationship... and my girlfriend said to our friend that she still loves me. But I guess this is something she had to do in order to figure out her life, and she wasn't able to do that while being with me since she felt that expectation of marriage.

    And we had a good relationship... we were both happy together, we shared similar values and beliefs. Our personalities matched well, and be both loved each other and wanted to marry each other. And then this happens.

    I have been praying non-stop since this happened... and I just can't find any peace about this situation. Can anyone help me out?
  2. Being dumped sux. Sorry to hear.

    As a child of God you have to see it as a blessing in disguise. Saying 'I love you' means nothing without evidence of that love. It was not meant to be and imo you should never pursue it again unless she gets 'newly saved' and comes to you. The foundation is cracked from this. God wants you to be with someone that will not hesitate to marry you. Learn from it and move on. Avoid long relationships outside of marriage, we get too attached and the only way to be certain that someone deserves the depths of our love and bodies is if they can commit to us in marriage.

    You are lucky to not have married her. Imagine you did and she divorced you after 10 years when you have kids and are so much more emotionally attached.
  3. Yes, I am sorry to hear you are going through this, too.

    Sadly, 25 years ago, I was "her." :oops: Long story short, here, God knew why I couldn't commit even though I really didn't and neither did my boyfriend. Trust Him that HE ALWAYS has our best in mind for us. Draw near to Him in this time of confusion, uncertainty, and pain and He will hold you, comfort you, and lead you in a new direction. He is faithful! :)
  4. I'm looking at the fact that she has been dating you since she was about 16. Three and a half years is actually a long time for a romantic relationship for someone in those years. A lot of growth and development and self discovery happen during those years. It doesn't surprise me that she might want to make a shift in her relationships and the expectations she feels are associated with those relationships - all of which encompasses a larger world of which your relationship is one part - to approach her future from a different tack. It sounds like she is feeling stifled by the expectations of marriage to you. Not that being married to you is a bad thing or that you are a bad person, but that she feels boxed into one possible future, and wants to have the freedom to explore other possibilities for her future.

    What will be the outcome of such exploration? Perhaps she will decide after a time that she is now quite ready to settle down to marriage and family with you. Perhaps she will discover a path she wishes to pursue independently for a while, which may be of an educational, career, relational, or spiritual nature. It may be that she finds herself attracted to other men.

    Probably the best thing you can do right now is to remain friends with her, but give her the space that she needs. Let her know that she has the freedom to make her own choices about her relationships and her future. If she chooses to stay with you in a romantic context, you will both know that she is freely making that choice because she truly believes it is a good choice. You, of course, will have to decide if you want to wait for all of this to play out and hope that she will, in the end, choose you - or - whether you want to take this opportunity for some self-discovery and exploration of your own.
  5. I know many who have married their high school partners. Society is just so evil today. Kids want to sleep together outside of marriage. Which one of us can honestly say we did not have irresistable sexual desires from 18? The bible is clear on this subject. Paul says if you can't control your passion get married. If someone young can't control their passion they must get married. At my church we have had two weddings recently where the ladies were 21. Sure 16 is too young, but it is fine to get to know and 'lightly date' someone you like from that age.

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