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Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by blackstar, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. About three months ago my boyfriend broke up with me after we had been together for 9 months. He is a Christian and a wonderful guy. We parted on good terms and remained friends, even though it's taken me longer to heal. It was nothing he did, and he told me straight up that it was nothing I did that prompted him to make the decision. I suppose he just had doubts if I was really the one God intended for him. On the other hand, I never heard God give me a resounding answer that he was or wasn't the one for me. I didn't want the relationship to end and was willing to fight for it, but he said he wasn't at the same level of commitment that I was at, and I respected his decision.

    It's still hard for me sometimes, but things were getting better for me emotionally and spiritually as I began the healing process.

    A few weeks ago, he started getting a bit more physical than usual since we broke up (hugging, touching and looking at me the same way he did when we were together.) Maybe I'm just imagining it, but the way he's been acting around me is really confusing. He's the one who broke up with me because he didn't see the relationship ending in marriage. I still care very deeply for him and I have no doubt he cares for me, but his actions and words have put me in a state of foolish hopefullness, making me half expect that our relationship can and might start again.

    I haven't confronted him about this yet for three main reasons. First, we both have busy work lives and we are both involved in the same church and Christian campus organization which keeps us occupied socially with our mutual friends. Second, a part of me wants to wait to see if he'll open up and talk to me about it and confirm what I think about the situation. Third, I'm terrified of being rejected again by this man I care so much about.

    I have prayed about it and I continue to pray for him, but I still don't know what to do. I'm confused and scared because everything is so up in the air right now. It's putting a lot of tension on my heart. Our break up situation was so unique because there was nothing to demonize in the relationship, and I've searched for answers without luck because of it. Maybe you can offer a new perspective for me? If not, I just ask that you pray for me and for him so we can have peace concerning this matter.
  2. I getcha! This is a potentially precarious situation, spiritually, for you. Have you thought about making a detailed list---before God in your quiet time with Him about the qualities your heart desires in a future husband? I have known many young women, my daughter included, who have done this, and written it down, prayed over it and committed it into God's care. If this young man doesn't fit, you can feel free to set him aside as God's potential mate for you, overriding your tenderness toward him. (After all, this fellow has been very arbitrary with you.) Your heart will follow as you seek and wait for God's best. He will show you as you get in line with the Lord's agenda.

    Just a suggestion! Blessings to you, and praying God's protection over your heart in this area!
    Cturtle likes this.
  3. Thank you for your response. I actually have taken the time to evaluate what qualities I would like to see in a future husband. My Ex met every standard I had set for a long term relationship, the most important on the list being his faith in God. We got along well, enjoyed each other's company, made each other laugh, and were (and still are) always there for one another in times of trouble. I guess that's just what makes this whole thing so difficult.

    I appreciate your suggestion though, and I'll take it to heart. It's nice hearing a new perspective on the situation that's unbiased and encouraging. Thank you and God bless!
    Euphemia likes this.
  4. It's as simple as this: if he doesn't want to marry you he is not the one.

    Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't, but until you know for certain don't entertain any idea of being with him.

    Husbands are supposed to represent Christ in the relationship, so unless he is giving all of his energy and time to having you as his wife, don't bother. You, as the wife, represent the Church, so your job is to simply wait for your savior (husband).
    blackstar likes this.
  5. I like what Cosmicwaffle says.
    If a man is serious about a lady, and I mean long term serious, he will go at that quest hard and hungry - so to speak.
    If his feelings are uncertain, then be careful, do not walk into something that is not supposed to be.
    Better a little hurt now than a lot later, if you get what I mean.
    Cturtle and blackstar say Amen and like this.
  6. My lovely niece, a strong believer, began to date this great guy, also a strong believer. They dated for almost two years, I think, and then became engaged. They were highly moral, saving themselves for marriage, and it was a beautiful progression in relationship for them, and the wedding plans were so exciting! Three weeks before the wedding, the groom came to the bride's home and sat down with her and with tears, said he was not sure that he was doing the right thing, and left having called off the wedding. My niece was so broken-hearted, she came to spend a couple days with us over the time period that the wedding would have taken place (we lived 300 miles away) to be alone and to cry and to be comforted. She gave back shower gifts and wedding presents, and began to regroup and get back on an even keel. It was so hard, and for everyone else too, as the family just loved this young man, and the couple still were members of the same church.

    My niece was sure that this man she still loved would come back, and so she decided to just wait it out. She didn't pine, but kept up an active social life, even if their paths crossed. (My mother was at an event that they both attended and she remarked that it was obvious that he was smitten with her still, as he couldn't keep his eyes off her!) I do believe it was about a year or a year and a half later that he came to her and with all his heart told her that he was so regretful of his decision, based on just plain overwhelming nerves, and that he loved her with all his heart and asked her to accept him back and marry him. She accepted with great forgiveness and joy! They were married soon after, and have had a wonderful, mature relationship to this day...some 12 years ago!

    Sometimes one is more ready and more sure of God's choice than the other!
    MissWhatsHerName, Ravindran, Peter Luke and 3 others say Amen and like this.
  7. What an inspiring story! Thank you for sharing it as it's pretty relevant to my situation right now.
    Euphemia likes this.
  8. I understand what you mean. Thanks for your response!
  9. Thanks you for responding, and I will be careful and keep praying about it.
  10. Thank you...when I read your story, I immediately thought of my niece, and want you to know I really do get it! I do hope it helps in some small way.
  11. Hello blackstar.
    This is how I see it. Your partner got scared and broke off the responsibility of commitment.
    Now he wants to continue the physical intimate relationship without being responsible for it.
    I would just remain friends, without the physical intimacy.
    Establish a good foundation based on practicing honesty and truth between each other.
    Start with each others fears for responsible commitment. Then work together as friends to eliminate those fears.
    It would be a good bases to learning to resolve difficulties together for any future problems/fears.

    In all honesty, a marriage is a funeral. For a marriage to work, our pride, ego and fears must be prepared to be sacrificed.
    dan in the lion's den, blackstar and Ravindran says Amen and like this.
  12. That makes a lot of sense. A part of me doesn't want to believe that he would be the kind of guy to do something like that, but then again if he was scared I can understand why he would do it. I just don't get the way men think sometimes. Thank you for your response. It helps me see things a bit more clearly.
  13. I think Peter Luke pretty much summed it nicely.. Euphemia's inspiring testimony is on the same lines.. Guys are scared of commitments! Plain and simple.. You just need to wait and see if he can overcome the fear of commitment. Until then, do not entertain anything else..
    blackstar likes this.
  14. Also....the commit that is required is far greater than what is asked of a man in the world. The commit is to be in essence Christ to the wife...to love her as He loves the church. That is a huge commitment if one truly understands what it means.
    I don't think any Christian man should go through with marriage until he is ready and willing to make that commitment. In turn I don't think that any Christian woman should get married until she is ready and willing to commit to living like the church should towards Christ.
    blackstar likes this.
  15. Being a man and knowing their ways, especially before I brought myself to submit to the Lord in obedience, I feel I have to warn you that this could be a ploy to get you to agree to sex without the conditions of marriage. Hopefully he just got the "jitters" but if I were your dad I would insist you put in place strict boundaries until this thing played itself out. Otherwise you could get hurt much worse. I'm sorry if I'm blunt but some guy needs to step up and tell you. Talk to men in your church you trust...an uncle, brother, father ,pastor?
  16. This is entirely in the realm of possibility but wow...I would hate to think that a Christian man would be this deceitfully wicked.
  17. Hello Mykuhl.

    (NIV) Luke 23:34 Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.

    This verse is not necessarily to do with Jesus Christ's crucifixion.
    In my humble opinion, most people are caught up with this world of need and want to feel okay. They do not reference life from a spiritual perspective - the greater reality.
    In this regard, most people do not know what they are doing, even though they think they do.
    They are following a deception instead of the truth.
  18. I can see what you mean from a spiritual perspective. Just because we are Christians does not make us immune to temptation. I don't believe he's the kind of man that would do these things to intentionally hurt or confuse me. Maybe he's just as confused as I am but doesn't realize it yet.
    Peter Luke likes this.

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