Jo,
There are so many different ways to approach this....
Deal with the issue?
Deal with the guilt?
Deal with the Spiritual?
I'll tell you the easiest solution, which is super easy to name, but would still be some work. Find a ministry that you enjoy that you can work on from home, that will occupy your mind and give you reward. Christian maturity comes through works, application, putting your hands to the love you profess. (you being generic, or all of us not you personally, but also you personally.)
I can relate to your problems. I have some heart issues. I went into congestive heart failure. I took myself to the E.R. at my doctors urging. I was going to wait it out at home, glad I asked the doc. Anyway, the 400 meters to get from the parking spot to the Er, I had to stop 5 times. Had I lived upstairs, I'd have not made it up when I got home.
I spent about 6 months on the threshold, and self maintenance, rest, etc... was all that kept me from going into chf earlier. During that time, I came home, and laid down with my Cpap on so I could breathe.
Dealing with the issue, has you taking charge of it. Ultimately, that will occur. But it will not be by your doing, but by His. So, I think what you should be doing is focusing on doing HIS will, find that ministry, and growing in that, it will leech the time away from the other issues.
Dealing with the guilt, has you accepting it. You are commiting a sin. Don't take this wrong, but.... big deal. God knew you would commit this sin, and how many times you would commit this sin when He accepted you. Through His grace, with His knowledge of how you would "fall/fail" He accepted you. He has a plan for you to get through it. It will be something you work through, but He will do all the work. Moses parted the red sea, except God did it, but Moses did the work, but God did it. So, do you trust God? He says....
Phi 2:4,5 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not
merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. <<<< our focus shouldn't be on our self, but on others. EVEN if you focus on your sins, to please God, it's still selfish. I am not calling you names. I'm saying that if we focus on our sins to please God we do it because we want His approval. That is selfish. What we are told here, and a billion other places is making HIM the focus, and running to HIM, not away from sin.
Phi 3:24,5 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of
it yet; but one thing
I do: forgetting
what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Again, this tells me to find a ministry and go to work on it. Stop feeling guilt over something God knew about before it was done, had already forgiven you, and chose to keep you anyway. Insted of selfish guilt, focus on loving others, and carrying God's love to others as well. The more you grow there, the less the other will be a challenge.
It's called Grace. Embrace it. Stop thinking of the sin, find the service.
Don't look behind you as you drive, you'll run into a wall. Look to the horizon where the prize is and drive a straighter line.
Do you believe God can do it? Do you believe there is a God? Then let Him do HIS job and you try to learn what yours is.
If a church near you has a "Celebrate Recovery" group, you may really enjoy look into that.
Eph 4
11 And He gave some
as apostles, and some
as prophets, and some
as evangelists, and some
as pastors and teachers,
Let them do their jobs....
Which is....
12 for the equipping of the saints for the
work of service,
To do what?
to the building up of the body of Christ;
How much building up????
13 until
we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the
[fn5] knowledge of the Son of God,
Isn't the "WE ALL" portion the members of the body of Christ? Through works you grow in unity and knowledge of Christ.... through WORKS of service, this occurs....
How much will we change?
to a
mature man,
Most translations use Perfect here. The word means finished. So we are to be changed to a FINISHED, or COMPLETE, or MATURE, or PERFECT product.
How mature is that?
to the measure
(if Jesus maturity was measured by how full a glass was, ours would be as full.)
of the stature
(if Jesus maturity was measured by the size of the glass, ours would be the same size.)
How full is that?
which belongs to the fullness of Christ.
Just in case you had doubts, it's as mature as Him. I don't think your troubles with the sin challenge would be affecting you that much...
14 As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming;
15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all
aspects into Him who is the head,
even Christ,
16 from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love..
Find the ministry. Find a passion. Let it be your obsession.
Until then, accept the Grace. Stop looking to the past, and look to the goal, and more importantly run to the goal. Keep your feet moving towards the goal.
