Christian And Non-christian ... Hope God Can Intervene

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by nijikon, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. Hello Christian Forum Site,

    Indeed, I'm a Christian who got stuck at the typical dating non-Christian dilemma. It was about three months ago since I made it clear to her that I can't date her. I did not say about the Christian reason then. It will hurt her a lot. I just simply stated that we didn't match up, which is also somewhat true. She belongs in the Atheist, Gnostic, Theist, Agnostic camp.

    Now, since I made that decision three months ago, you might be asking why I'm back here in the forums. Well, I am looking for confirmation on what I did was correct and for advice on how I could work on this same girl. Yes, this same girl. For the past few months I have been feeling awful because I might have let a good one slip. I am currently wavering in my convictions in that the evenly yoke requirement can be lax. Which is why now I need massive help from fellow Christians to guide me on what I could do next. Please. I need your views on the following three questions:

    1. I love this girl so much that I have been regularly praying to God to somehow initiate. I reason that I can't be the one to mention anything of God to her because my words will be pegged with an emotional agenda. Thus, I'm praying that God sends someone else to try to engage Christ with her. Is this of any use?

    2. Will there be any good of just remaining her friend? While I still have feelings for her, I'm quite good meeting up and hanging out. Is it a lost cause to continually do this, what some might call it, spiritual edification. This is defined as unconditionally showing her the love of God, not expecting much in return but NOT explicitly anything involving "Jesus", "God", "Lord" or "Christian.".

    3. Assuming three things: 1. I will NOT force religion on her. 2. I have designs for marrying this girl in the future. Our ages quite tally up. 3. She agrees to not intervene my church time. Can any argument be formed that justifies me going into a relationship with her? Probably one along the lines of hoping she becomes so curious as to what religion is to the point I would do her a disservice if I don't tell her.

    A little bit of my profile - 1. Ivy leaguer (not that it matters). 2. Career minded. 3. If I know a message is 100% from God, I think I have the will and mental power to execute the message, i.e., I passed up sex once and thus am still a virgin. 4. I know myself and my gut always yearns for that feeling that I obeyed God in the end.

    In terms of feelings, I'm hoping up quite well. They have since shimmered a bit. Still, this girl is good stuff and I want to assess my options of having her as a life partner. Why? Because I come from a time when I fix stuff and don't just throw them away.

    Nijikon (fake name to cover identity)
  2. I think you made a mistake in not being clear about why you couldn't date her. This can be done in a non-condemning, caring way. She may even respect you more that you stand by your convictions, even though it means denying yourself something you desire which conflicts with those convictions. In fact, if you reflect upon it, you may even respect yourself more that your faith has withstood this challenge.

    If you compromise on this, what other compromises will you make along the way in your life and in your relationship with this girl? These compromises will not be good for either you or this girl. This is only the first of many challenges to the fundamental incompatibility of a Christian with a nonChristian.

    I detect a note of lack of faith in this scenario as well. You speak as if God cannot bring you someone as suitable as this girl, so you feel the need to hang onto hope for this relationship working out. You look at not dating her as "throwing her away." So what you're saying is, if you don't date her, she will never find a good man, or that God can't work in her life? The latter would seem to be suggested by the idea that you somehow have the responsibility (let's not even speak about the ability) to "fix" her. This may not be what you meant to say, but it may be closer to the truth than you realized.

    Now, with those thoughts as a backdrop, I'm going to turn this into a long post by directly addressing your three questions:

    1. I think this is quite sensible and, if you trust God and are faithful in prayer, He will see that she has an opportunity to receive the message of salvation.

    2. It's hard to understand a message of Who God is when that message doesn't include some explicit expressions of "God", "Jesus", "Lord", or "Christian. Too easy to confuse the demonstration of Christian kindness and love for something else. If you had been clear and upfront from the beginning as to why you couldn't date her, it would be much easier now to send a clearly Christian message.

    I don't know how deep I want to go into this, but this meeting up and hanging out and showing unconditional love may be sending confusing messages, or may be a way of prolonging the agony, or may be hindering you both in moving forward into what God has for you in your lives. A clean break with clear relational boundaries may be better. You can still be kind, courteous, respectful, and friendly to each other when your paths cross.

    3. You have already done a disservice by not telling her about Jesus. Again, this should have happened when you told her you couldn't date her. Actually, it should have happened even before that. In assumption number three, you have already introduced a place where there can be no relationship. She agrees not to interfere with your church participation. So you participate in that alone, and she does whatever else while you do that. If church has a small place in your life, it will not be a big deal. Lots of wives don't go fishing with their husbands, or ask their husbands to shop for shoes with them. Sorry for the stereotypes, I am fully aware they are stereotypes. If church has a big place in your life, then there is a big area, and a hugely important one, where you cannot share your lives. Will this foster curiosity, or will it foster resentment?

    Now, I'm not telling you what to do, and I hope I don't sound like I'm lecturing you. I want what is best for you and I'm trying to help you think this through. Most of all, listen carefully to hear what God is telling you. You will never go wrong by trusting Him.
  3. Hello Rumely,

    Thank you for your honest and detailed reply. I have read it carefully and felt the need to respond to it now while these new thoughts are fresh in my mind. Doing so also makes me feel a little bit better, in part because someone understands me and in part because I feel the Spirit working. My emotions are going through a roller coaster, some up days when I know I did the right thing some really down days knowing what I passed up.

    As mentioned earlier, the reasons I wasn't ready to jump into the relationship were mainly one, I felt we were more chemistry with little substance, two, relationship experience mismatch and three, unevenly yoked. What I tried to do was to use one and two to cover three. If you think about it, this seems legitimate for those, like her, who don't know the word.

    Your comment of it being a mistake not admitting three has struck a chord with me. Perhaps, in this situation where lives and feelings are at stake, honesty is the best way to go. Even if it means destorying all hope by losing something and not fostering hope by having it linger. It seems thus that I left it linger leaving me a situation worst than it should be.

    Indeed it is because she might think that if she solves the non-Christian reasons of me not want to be with her, I could end up asking her for a date. Should this happen, and time brings us a moment where I'm together with her considering a relationship, much disappointment would unfold because for sure this time, the aspect of unevenly yoke will undoubtedbly surface. Being honest about my convictions and faith has never been more important.

    Your inference of me not dating her as "throwing her away" is spot on. Flattering as it may seem, relative to other guys, I'm quite good. (This is affirmed by a mutual Non-Christian friend.) Digressing a bit to what I want in a girlfriend, I'm looking for a simple girl, sweet not necessarily hot looking, cute and can be loyal to me. Yes, I feel like I want to be the knight in shining armor coming to save her. But regardless whether that's too fantastical or that's me being too responsible, how I feel stems on simple facts - I like her, I'll work at the relationship, I trust God and I can't get with her because she doesn't know Him.

    After dissecting what you said, this is what I came up with:

    1. As of now, I feel I could be in a position to tell her about Christ but I'm not too ready yet. I forget to mention that in our days of going out, I did numerous times tell her what I do in church but not how strongly I feel about Jesus. Examples include telling her I hang out with church friends for dinner, commenting a little on me shifting church due to religious reasons and driving pass my old church and telling her what I used to do there. Perhaps I could shift to telling her more explicitly about Christ but unfortunately, as you can tell, I'm not in the business of evangelizing to convert to date.

    2. Your third comment really resonated with me. Thinking about it and writing right now has pulled me closer and closer to a hard truth - if my convictions in Christ are high (I would rate my convictions in Christ a 7 out of 10), then really there is no relationship as our values, activities and outlook in life (don't even talk about outlook in spirit) don't even match. As a matter of fact, I feel I have already compromised quite a bit during our regular hang out sessions.

    I now seem to have clarity as to why I had all these doubts when seeing her as a girlfriend. And a relationship built on these doubts will be unhappy and short lived. Me, being a man of consistancy, should feel good not going to it.

    Christian life is definitely hard. And now, recently graduating from college, I feel that I'm just a noob in the game of love. I really hope God pulls through in the end. I'm not one who jumps during the worship, but I hope when I pray, in full sincerity in the sanctuary, God hears me.

    "This is a good girl and I want to be with her.
    But I know You are the truth and I will not disobey You.
    While I can't assume, can't want another chance with her,
    May your power bring what's best for me, with or without her in the deal."
  4. I'm glad you found my words helpful. One of the most difficult lifelong lessons God has been trying to teach me is that He knows what He is doing, and is fully capable of taking care of business. I always want to be in control, it is so hard to let go and simply trust His leadership and obey. I have learned enough, though, to know that even though I have suffered the fruits of my mistakes, He will see me through to the end and in the end, His Name will be glorified.
    covered_by_grace likes this.

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