I have been involved with another Christian man for the last four years of my life. He has two children from a previous marriage, and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. I wasn't ready to be involved with him when we first met. Although I had been single for two years, I wasn't ready to love or receive love, because I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage. My boyfriend knew that I wasn't ready, so he ran circles around me, and fearfully loved me, just to keep me. This worked, although uncertainty haunted me and caused me to end the relationship four or more times. Every one of those times, I sought to date other men, even though I was still emotionally attached to my boyfriend. I never actually dated, but he eventually read my text messages and it hurt him very badly every single time. I admit that this was wrong of me as a Christian, because I should have sought the Lord instead. Every time we got back together, my boyfriend would say, "can't you see, that God made us to be together?". I thought he was attempting to manipulate me, but I see now that God had confirmed it in his life SEVERAL times throughout the years. The last time we broke up was last July. We had been going to premarital counseling with our pastors, and I started a women's ministry. God was progressing me and growing me RAPIDLY, and my ex wasn't seeking the Lord like I was. He never proposed to me, and I waited for him for over a year (no nagging, just waiting). Finally, I came to the realization that he just wasn't going to propose, and thats why we broke up in July. I realized that we weren't progressing to marriage. Since then, we have both dated and moved on. I kept my sexual integrity, because I desperately want and need God's will to be carried out in my life. He dated somebody and kept his sexual integrity as well - although the entire time he had been dating - he reached out to me on several ocassions how much he loved and missed me. At the time, I felt like he wasn't in acceptance that perhaps, us being together just wasn't God's will. After dating other people didn't work out - we saw each other at church in March. I asked him if it was possible for us to be atleast friends, because we were seeing each other without saying hi to each other. He called me that night and told me how much he loved me. How God told him that he was going to make him suffer to be strong for me. He was accountable for not putting God first in our relationship, and he sounded like a different, more dignified, more Godly man. I was accountable as well. There were so many things that i failed to do, to assure him that he could trust me. I broke his trust during our relationship, and I regret it deeply. We began to date, and talk about marriage again. God broke my heart WIDE OPEN FOR HIM. I have been in a state of repentance for a month. Fasting, praying, seeking God's direction and repenting of all of the wrongs and hurts I've caused in this man's life. I want God to change me and mold me into the FEARLESSLY LOVING WIFE, putting pride and fear aside, the woman he wants me to be. This heart preparation is for me, but it is also for my husband. NOW I'M BROKEN. My ex told me that he just doesen't have the same feelings for me - but I KNOW he does. He loves me to pieces. He went from talking about marriage and loving me, and two days later, saying that his feelings have changed and he doesn't have peace moving forward. That he doesn't want to interact with me and that he needs more time to see IF THIS IS WHAT HE WANTS, without leading me on, or having FALSE feelings because of the moment. It has been two weeks. I feel like I'm dying, and I am, to my old self. And I'm confused because ONLY GOD could have broken my heart open for Himself and my husband. OUT OF NOWHERE, I just want to pour my love all over this man. I want to love him the way I've never loved him, and give him the love he's worthy of. I want to follow him, and go wherever he goes. I have told him the heart change that I'm under going. He's aware of everything. Is this relationship beyond reconcile? If God confirms things at different times, does this mean it isn't from God? Why would God break my heart open now? What is your opinion on the situation? Is there still hope?