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Breaking Up Because Of Circumstances...still In Love

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by philippians413, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. So I'm an 18 year old guy and a senior in highschool. I met the girl of my dreams at a Christian summer camp in 2012, and we became really good friends, and we always knew that we liked each other. Let's call her Amy (for anonymity). Eventually, we began dating in December 2013, and Amy and I had the most amazing relationship.

    I know I'm only in HS, but I feel like this is "the one". The reason I believe this, we when I was at this summer camp, they had an amazing worship service. The band's leader told everyone to each others' hands and raise them to the Lord. Of course, I ended up holding Amy's hand, and I looked over at her and watched as she just worshiped God.

    You see, I was in a relationship then, with another girl, Victoria (another made up name). She wasn't a strong Christian at all, and it was bothering me. So at that moment when I was holding Amy's hand, I said a prayer. And I remember it really clear. I said, "God, things are going so well with Victoria and I. I pray that You would just allow her to take her faith more seriously, so that we can glorify You through it. And if it doesn't work out, I pray that you give me a girl like Amy, who loves You like I do." So God answered my prayer better than I could have asked! He GAVE ME AMY.

    Victoria broke up with me after a fight about gay marriage (she thought being gay wasn't a sin...) And about five months later, I asked Amy out. We did weekly Bible studies together, and started a reading plan where we went through the whole Bible, we set physical boundaries, and truly cared for each other. Then at the end of last Summer (of 2013), both of our families had become really close. She had a younger sister, and my three younger brothers got along really well with her. So her parents, and my mom (she's widowed) took both our families to a beach house.

    We had a wonderful time, and things couldn't have been better, then after the trip, Amy's mom began to act strange towards my mom. We'll call Amy's mom Ms. Marie.

    It started with her just being rude. In public, Amy's mom, Ms. Marie, would say nasty things to my mom. Then it got worse, where after small group, everyone would hug and say goodbye, and then Ms. Marie would push my mom away.

    Then she started avoiding my mom. When I would drive to Amy's house, Ms. Marie would hide in her room. Or if my mom stopped by their house, Ms. Marie would drive to the store right as we got there. And this went on for months.

    So my mom was putting up with all of this. One day, she sent an email to Ms. Marie what day the church's baptism was. She responds by lecturing my mom about how she should be keeping track of dates. So my mom sends an email back saying that she "lacked grace".

    Then one day after youth group, Amy's mom started yelling at my in the parking lot. She was accusing my mom of not liking her and being selfish and insulting her...and my mom got embarrassed because she was making a scene. So they both sat in a car while Amy's mom yelled at my mom.

    Then that night, Amy's mom posted on Facebook, "Gotta LOVE selfish people". Then there was a whole comment string below where Ms. Marie would say, "what's sad is that this person claims to be a Christian. Lots of prayer needed," and "I don't care who you are, but you don't mess with my girls."

    My mom's widowed, so me being the oldest, goes to me when she's upset. So I had my mom crying to me about how she doesn't know what she did wrong to this woman.

    And the thing about my mom, is I've known her for 18 years. When she does something wrong, she owns up to it. Like she's religious about that. And she has told me so many times that she has done nothing wrong to Ms. Marie.

    So then the next day Ms. Marie started posting pictures that had captions like, "God will help you deal with those in life who hurt you." And just to tell you guys now, these posts were about her, later on I asked Amy and she said they were about my mom.

    Then there was a problem where my mom was constantly being slandered by both of Amy's parents, and it was to the point where I didn't want to even talk to them. I was conflicted because part of me wanted to go punch Ms. Marie's husband in the face, and the other part didn't want to mess up the amazing relationship I had with Amy.

    So then there was a standoff. My mom didn't want me to go to Amy's house because of her parents. So then her parents wouldn't let her come to my house. So we had our dates on neutral ground. We should do our Bible studies in a library (which was actually fun), or go see movies, or anything outside either of our houses.

    So we went on...and my 18th birthday party came up. It was supposed to be a surprise, but eventually my mom had to secretly spoil it to me (I pretended I was surprised), because she was having so many problems with Ms. Marie and couldn't take it anymore. The surprise party was going to be a weekend trip to the beach with all my closest friends. There was me, 3 of my friends who were guys, my brother, one of my friends who was a girl, and Amy. So it was pretty small. My mom was going to chaperone it. Everyone there was a strong Christian (with exception to one, but he's a really good kid), and there were separate rooms for boys and girls to sleep in. But then Ms. Marie started to try to sabotage the beach trip. She called parents and started to tell them they think it wasn't right to have guys and girls sleeping in the same house, and that my mom wasn't a good chaperone (she's actually an amazing chaperone). Two of the kids going were pastors' sons, and one pastor church began to even question my mom, and then when he talked to her he said, "I have no idea was Ms. Marie is saying is bad about this." One of my best friends almost didn't go, because his parents were talked out of it. Luckily, my brother convinced him to go last second. Basically, Ms. Marie put us through a lot.

    So of course Amy couldn't go, which upset me a lot. Things from there went downhill. The tension between the two families was too much, and I broke up with her.

    Since then, we've tried to arrange a meeting between the two families to talk it out, but her parents want a "mediator" who would happen to be the pastor of the church. That's kinda a problem, because they are a big giver to the church, and the dad does a LOT of volunteer work for the church through production, so the pastor wouldn't want to make them mad because it's a small church, and the church kinda needs them.

    So my mom and I decided to stop communication with the family completely until April, and then see if things have cooled down. I can't get over Amy, because I still love her so much. I don't see myself finding someone else like her.

    I don't really know what I'm trying to get out of posting this, but I think this is what I'm mainly struggling with.

    - Why did God seemingly give me the girl of my dreams, but to have her mom suddenly attack my mom?
    - Does this mean God's just saying "jk! This isn't the actually person I want you to be with! I only answered the prayer to for the heck of it"?
    - Should I try to start a relationship with Amy again?
    - As Ms. Marie still continues to tell Amy that my mom wronged her, how would I resolve that in our relationship (if we get back together)?

    Sorry for the long post though...I just really needed to do this to calm down...
  2. Okay, I read that, but throughout the whole thing I couldn't figure out what your mom did to Ms. Marie. Has she said what your mom did, specifically? Then, you could tell your mom so she would know what she did, even if it was unintentional.
  3. I've tried to figure that out. Honestly i dont think she has. I talked to Amy and she could only say that "your mom was being rude" but she never gave an example...
  4. I don't really see a way to resolve the issues with your mom and her parents without knowing what she did. I would tell Amy it's odd they can't give an example!
  5. I don't have any verses for you at this time, but from experience I can say it is never wise to give up on love. If something is a true desire of your heart go for it and God will make a way, God can do anything but whats amazing is the way he does, what he do.
  6. Here's the thing, man:


    Welcome to the world of one of the most common difficulties in relationships.

    It's tough. No doubt. When you're with someone, you're with their whole family. When you marry someone, you marry their whole family.

    But here's one thing you can relax about: you don't ever, ever, ever, ever have to hold God responsible for something in-laws do. ESPECIALLY something IN-LAWS do! And they are going to do a LOT of stuff, I guarantee it.

    As for the rest of your questions, I can't tell you what the best thing is to do, but I can give you some scriptures to help you think through the situation, and hopefully have a sense of calm about it. I'll hit you up with those later on.
  7. Man it's really hard to find a true christian girl that's pretty,single and everything you like. I would say try to work it back out with her and tough out the parents. The Devil will try to break up Christian couples anyway he can I think. Not saying the parents are being controlled by Satan..I'm just saying he hates christian marriages and surely hates christian couples that could lead to that.

    If I were you..I'd give it another go.
  8. #8 Roads, Jan 10, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2014
    Alright, so following up from before, let's take a look at something the Bible says about relationships (from 1 Corinthians 7):

    25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
    36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does better.

    Okay, so there is quite a lot going on in 1 Cor 7, but the relevant thing I want to just observe here is that when the Bible talks about marriage and relationships, it focuses on choice. I know a lot of Christians talk about "the one God wants me to be with" or "the one God has for me," or "God gave me this person," etc. I'm not going to say that sort of thing definitely can't happen. I'm just going to observe that the Bible doesn't talk about relationships that way. It talks about choice: if you marry, you don't sin.

    With that scripture in mind, let me offer an alternative plot:) I met my wife at summer camp; I know the kind of bonding experience it can be. So you met at summer camp. You worked together for God, you bonded. You noticed impressive qualities about her. You really liked the way she worshiped God, and you had a bonding experience one night during a worship service. You and your current girlfriend weren't satisfied in your relationship because you were at different places in your walk with God, so when you broke up, you and Amy took the opportunity to choose to begin an relationship, and you did not sin in doing so.

    Basically what I've done here is remove the stuff about "the one," God answering prayer by causing your relationship with Victoria to end, and God giving you Amy. Again, I'm not declaring that God cannot and does not do all that stuff, I'm just offering an alternate way of looking at based on what the Bible says about relationships being a choice. Also, allow me to explain why I think that "choice" is healthier way of looking at relationships:

    If I believe that God brought my wife and I together, and she's "the one He has for me," I might be tempted to think that God also keeps us together. If things don't work out, I may then be caught up in a situation confused and frustrated with God, thinking, I thought she was the one! Why did God allow this to happen?

    However, if I believe that my wife and I chose to be together, and we daily choose to remain together and work hard on our relationship, I know that when when there is a problem, God is not to blame, we are. It means we are the ones responsible for making our relationship work, maintaining the health of our relationship, and making sure we continue to show love to each other, even at times when it's the most difficult to.

    So I don't say these things to try making your relationship any less special. I say this to answer your first 2 questions. The answer is, choice.

    Let's just take "Why did God seemingly give me the girl of my dreams" and rephrase it to, "Why did God allow me to freely choose to be in relationship with Amy..." and then I think the rest of that question can be answered a lot more clearly. If your relationship was a choice, God's not personally responsible to keep it together. Listen man, God didn't "have" her mom attack your mom. If God allows a person to choose to drop an atom bomb on a city, He's gonna allow your in-laws to scream at you in parking lot. A person's choice is not God's responsibility.

    Your second question should make a lot more sense, too. Although I personally think it's unhealthy to think about relationships in terms of "the ones we're meant to be with," I'm not going to declare that this isn't the case. What I will say is that even if there is a "the one" and she is it, God is in no way whatsoever personally responsible to keep that relationship strong. People make choices. God allows them to make those choices. Again, I don't want to make your relationship seem less special, in any way. But I hope it helps you be less confused about it knowing that God isn't responsible for what people chose to happen here.

    In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about anything. In a loving relationship, love isn't something you feel, it's something you do, and the test of love is what you do for each other when times are the toughest. If you two can choose to act in a loving way toward each other through this, I don't see any reason why you can't make it.

    I'll say this though, and it's just something to consider. Is it possible that, if you and Amy were living apart from your respective parents, you each had your own jobs and your own places, this whole situation either wouldn't have happened, or would have been a lot less severe? It's possible that you might need to wait for a time when you both can put some distance between yourselves and your parents, and you have more independence, before you can really give this thing a solid chance. Just something to think about.

    Like I said before, you marry someone, you marry their whole family. If their family has got problems, I guarantee this, you are marrying problems. In-law problems are some of the toughest problems any couple will face. Here's my advice, from hard-learned experience, that I think should give you the best foundation to start working on this issue: you are always, always, always on your girlfriend/wife's side. Always. That doesn't mean whatever she says is right, and you just agree with it. It means that you do not want to create a situation where it's you and your mom vs. her and her mom. That situation is not going to end well for anyone. You are always on your girlfriend's side. You are always her partner through the worst trouble, and you always demonstrate your love when things are the hardest, and you are always the one person in the whole world she is guaranteed to be shown love by and is safe with when things are the hardest. It's the only way to make it work, for anyone. That's where you start to resolve it, by being on her side.

    I came from a similar situation from you, in that my mom came to me with her emotional needs. It's not healthy, but that's the way it works sometimes. It creates trouble down the track for your relationships. From my experience, I think you both need to be at a place (from practicality and maturity) where you can be more independent, and get some physical and emotional distance from your parents. I'm not saying move out tomorrow. I'm saying, you may need to wait until you can get to that place before you can really give this a go.

    So in summary:
    - God's not responsible for what's happening
    - In-laws are tough for everyone. Start by being on each other's side.
    - You're young, and still rely on your parents for some things. As you mature and gain independence, and distance, from your parents, it's easier to have a relationship. You might have to wait, but being young and dependent is partly what is making this situation more difficult. Tough in-law situations are tough, but it gets easier once you get some distance.

    I hope something in all that was useful to you, and helps you calm down a bit about it!
  9. Great point.

    Ask Amy, again, for specifics. Tell her it can't be resolved unless you know what your mom did.
  10. Honestly, I didn't expect this kind of response. Thanks everyone, I just read all your comments after having a rough night, and I'm feeling so much better.

    @Sweet Pea I have. It's kind of useless, because that's not what the main problem is. Amy recognizes that her mom is far more wrong than mine...we really aren't mad at each other at all. When we talk about this problem we are usually just trying to work as a team to fix it.

    @bradman Interesting thought. It kinda motivates me to work things out and get Satan mad haha.

    @Roads Your response was so perfect because I'm kind of a meme fan, and that just made me laugh. Anyways, in-laws. You're right in that I should not blame God for their behavior. Thanks so much for everything you wrote there. I really liked seeing the whole choice perspective, because I've always grown up thinking about there being some person who's "the one" out there. And that verse in Corinthians also shows that some people aren't called to marriage, because they can choose not to get married. The idea of free choice actually makes a lot of sense when applied to relationships.

    Well, I'll post back here when something interesting in my life happens. xD But thanks for the support guys. Pray for Ms. Marie please.
    Roads likes this.
  11. There's some terrific responses there. I just have one thing to add:

    There's an old adage around that says "...if you want to know what your wife is going to be like in 10 years, just look at your mother-in-law".
  12. Circumstances never determine the Will of God. God's will is determined before the outcome.
    The outcome is determined by all parties doing the Will of God, or not doing the Will of God.

    God told Israel that I am giving you a Land the flows with Milk and Honey.
    Israel Told God that He brought them out to the desert to kill them. (Num 14)

    Despite what God planed and told them, they choose different and died.

    God may set up people together, and may be the plan, but both parties have to do the plan.

    For God said, How can two walk together if they be not agreed upon. (Amos 3:3)

    The moral of the story is that when it comes to other people, expect nothing and appreciate everything.

    The good news is that despite others God has put in your path. Their failure to obey God does not stop you from still getting the best God has planed. It just won't be with them. That goes for everything, business, Ministry partners (Paul and Barnabas) and even the final wife.
  13. Thanks for that response. Very helpful way to think about it.

    Well, I wish I could say it ended well, but it didn't.

    A few nights ago, Ms. Marie posted on Facebook how some people need to learn how to forgive. She then started commenting with a friend about, "you know what I'm going through. Mama bear stuff. Some people need to back off." The way she said "mama bear stuff" was the same way she said it before when she was gossiping about my mom online a few months ago. So I sent her a message on facebook asking if the post was about my mom. She didn't reply. So I said "I'm assuming it was about her since you didn't reply. Please remove the post because secretly gossiping about someone is wrong." Then she replied saying how I shouldn't be talking to her and how she "wasn't ignore me, just choosing not to respond to me" (anyone else find that phrase almost humorous?) So anyway, she said I needed to specify which post I was talking about, to which I said, "if you need to know which post I'm talking about, that means one of yours was about her..." She then said none of them were about her (complete lie), and that out of respect to my mom, I shouldn't talk to her. At this point, I was ticked, so I said "how can you even say that after how disrespectful you've been to her". From there, things went downhill as she accused me of being disrespectful to her. I've showed the text to several Christian adults who aren't involved (don't know who she is...don't want to be slandering her or anything) and they said I was extremely respectful. In the end, she didn't have anything else to say and said "this conversation is over". 5 minutes later, I get a text from Amy saying that we need to move on. I agreed and then told her to keep her mom out of her future relationships (yeah, that's the only comment I feel like I was mean about, but I felt like she needed to hear that). So yeah, I'm trying to move on now.

    I'm going to continue to stay strong with the Lord, because he has a plan for me. Whatever He has in store for me, I'll just have to trust Him in what happens.

    Keep Ms. Marie in your prayers. I found out she suffered a really tragic event when she was young. A lot of her behavior is due to this. Thanks for the support guys.
  14. Awww, I'm sorry to hear that. Keep trusting that God will bring you the right person. Hang in there! :)

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