Attracted To A Guy In My Christian Group

Discussion in 'College and Youth' started by jmilly, Apr 13, 2013.

  1. I joined my school's student Christian organization, and I love the group. Everyone is amazing and I am learning a lot. However there is a big problem. There is a very visible person in the group - one of the leaders - and I am very attracted to him physically. Personality-wise, I am not even 100% sure how I feel. But I have had some impure thoughts about him, and I feel very guilty. I also feel guilty that I now go to the meeting just to see him and I have lost sight of the true reason I joined the group.

    Could this be a "test" from God? I am really struggling and I don't know what to do.
    I know that the guy is single, and I would be interested in him, but I do not know if he is interested in me.
    I just don't know what to do, and I need some guidance.

  2. Is this a 'singles' type group? Do you want a relationship? #1 be honest with yourself first and with God and with the dude. I don't recommend "dating" ever....

    Courting on the other hand means marriage is on the table from the start-and no touchy until the wedding night. (lips hands, etc...and never be alone with a member of the opposite sex you are attracted too)

    Study the Bible on marriage & relationships, meditate, pray, fellowship, repeat.

    Talk to the guy-if it is a no go- then purpose in your heart to push your 'impure' thoughts out of your mind (which you should do regardless). Sex is 90% mental-and if you allow yourself to go down that road you will literally 'make it happen' before your wedding night. You have to gird yourself up and prepare for a long term relationship. Put it in your mind first-let it work on your heart-pray for your husband (whomever that will be) and LET the Lord guide you. Don't force relationships based on emotions.

    Make Christ you #1 relationship......

    BTW: I am not a fan of coed groups for this very reason-unless the intent is to connect singles to potential marriage relationships.
  3. Hi! Thanks Dirtyrottensinner (nice name...). The group is an InterVarsity type group on our campus - that is a coed group where we meet every week and socialize, do worship songs, and do some Bible studies. I do feel like I want a relationship with him. I am perfectly ok with not getting touchy before marriage - since I've been "saved" however I have to admit - I am not used to being with a man without being physical - because I was only relatively recently saved and also being in the college environment where everyone is doing it. I told myself when I was saved that I would leave that behind me... I have to remember that.

    Your advice to focus on Christ as my #1 relationship is very helpful. Whenever I remind myself of the true reason I even joined the group, and how I should be focused on God, that is what helps me.

    But I'm admitting here that I find this very challenging! Was it meant to be? Is it supposed to be a challenge? I think you are right to not force a relationship based on emotions.

    And btw, I actually am not sure what the intent of the group is lol. I have heard of people meeting their future spouses through their InterVarsity groups, but I am not sure if that is one of the purposes of the group.

    Thanks again for your answer. It is very helpful. I enjoy being around this guy, but I think I might just limit it to our weekly meetings unless he shows more interest in an actual relationship. And of course, not "let" anything physical happen! But once again - I really have to say this feels like a test of my faith. it's like I join this group and the very first meeting, the very first person I meet is this physically attractive man who single and amazing. It's like cruel almost! lol
  4. Could it be a trial? Well of course it is...but the real question is-is it of God? That depends on how you handle this 'spiritually'. Take it to the Lord and let Him work it. Emotions/ feelings lead us carnally-that's why it is imperative to follow God's process-not our own. The best policy is to be honest-why not ask said dude what his status is and what he has planned for the future. I wouldn't come right and say 'hey I wanna marry you, etc, etc, etc....' See where his heart is about marriage, children etc...don't force the fit-if you two don't align spiritually-the physical will only be temporary.

    And then you will have true regret and guilt....
  5. Hi Dirtyrotten,
    thanks. I will have to try to find out what his status is. Thanks again :) and i agree - it's important to follow God's process!
    take care!
  6. We all suffer from impure thoughts, it is simply part of original sin. A direct challenge from the Almighty Lord you ask? Well in my humble opinion no, but is it a challenge? yes, and I will explain why. God is not the one testing you here, it is Satan. Although you have impure thoughts Satan wants you to act upon those thoughts. By not acting on them you are defeating him and glorifying God. I will pray for you tonight, and I know that God will reach into your soul and muster up the strength that you already have, and you WILL defeat Satan. :)
    Rusty likes this.
  7. The answer is in your very first question in this thread Ms. are attracted to him "PHYSICALLY"..I can name it as lust! I dont think God would would agree with that..
    But on the bright side..There is Jesus for you dont have to hit the panic button as yet..You might tell me "yea..i know all this but I am not able to control my thoughts" me..i know how difficult it can be..*p.s. porn addict for past 11 years*
    But ill give you one best tip always remember .."AN IDLE MIND IS A DEVILS WORKSHOP" the harder you try not to think about means your thoughts are only about it...instead do not give it any thoughts..maybe you see him during your worship and study sessions..thats okay! After that refrain from being alone try to search for friends and be with them whenever the though starts creeping in your mind..keep your mind busy..tire your mind and body doing something productive so that at night you go to sleep as soon as you hit the bed..JUS DONT give space for idleness.GBU
  8. I agree with this. When you say physically attracted, what's your definition? I think it is safe to assume this is lust. I recommend being careful, taking it slow, reading your bible, and getting advice from Godly people. No need to rush things. The slower you take things the stronger the relationship can grow.
  9. The last time this Poster was on was last year. April 21 2013.

    Just saying.
  10. Yaaay our prodigal OP!
  11. #11 jmilly, Apr 18, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2014
    I'm back people and I have some news regarding this same guy I discussed. I actually had found other christian website. i didn't mean to be like the "prodigal son" and a bad member of this chat board. I have come back unlogged in and browsed the forum since last year. I will make it my goal to browse here more often, and also come here for more guidance for my life. I need it right now.

    I just wanted to update everyone on the situation. After I posted here, it seemed like me and this guy (let's call him Joe) became closer friends. I just "let it happen" and tried to not think about him, I was moving away last May because I was graduating. He is one year behind me in school. During those last few weeks the group was spending more and more time together and me and him spent a bit of time together during which he'd tell me personal stuff about his life and confided in me about something. I guess I was too scared to ask about his views on marriage and whatnot. And despite the fact I felt we were becoming more "familiar" i also noticed that for instance he'd often tell me we should do this or that together, and if I followed up on that, he was busy or something. On the last day before I was leaving, I decided, I may never see him again, so I'm just going to tell him that I like him and that he's a great person and all that stuff. I wrote him a card.

    well that was last May, and his response was that we're such good friends. This to me was him saying he didn't like me like that. I am not even sure what I was expecting in telling him all that but I knew that a possible result would be that he wasn't interested in me, so I was ok with that. I guess I just felt really sentimental at the time, or I just thought he deserved to hear nice things like that, because he had made mentions of wanting a girlfriend and had complained about being single before. It was sort of a way of saying, i'm leaving town forever and there is no chance of anything ever happening between us, but you can get ANY girl you want.

    During the months May through February, we had some casual contact and I live on the other side of the country. It was just some friendly occasional things, and mostly him liking what I posted on instagram. I had even FORGOT all about the card I gave him, and I remember he did tell me he still had an Easter card I had given him, and I had entirely forgot about that. I was surprised that a guy would hold on to something like that because I honestly would have thrown it away myself!

    A couple months ago I was in town, and I of course wanted to see him, but I didn't want to pressure him or something. After all this, i considered him a friend. Here's where everything went bad. I included him on a GROUP email. I never contacted him individually. Joe responded almost immediately saying he wanted to hang out pretty much to every idea I suggested. One of those things included a Saturday afternoon activity. It turned out he was the only person interested in that activity. And I was too busy to deal with it (due to other stuff going on with me at the time). the day arrived and I texted him. no answer. I showed up at the place. Joe stood me up! this nice Christian guy STOOD ME UP! I wasted hours traveling to and back from the place. I didn't want to go by myself. I was very very upset. I am haunted by my past of being bullied and teased and rejected. So I felt hurt. Not to mention the fact that I felt particularly insecure about Joe because of the fact that last time I saw him in person was me telling him I liked him! I asked him what happened and he said oopsy he got the date wrong. I just let it go. I again didn't want to force anybody to do anything with me. A few days later a group activity he said he'd be at rolled around and he wasn't there either. I hadnt' contacted him at all because i didn't want to feel like I was pressuring him. I assumed that he changed his mind about seeing me at all and that I wouldn't see him during my trip. I had a lot of other people to see, so it wasn't the end of the world, and it wasn't the reason for my visit. I just could've done without beig completely stood up. It's not hard to call somebody to cancel or say you can't make it. or even text message. (in other words, I don't believe his "mixed up the date story") and any remaining interest in this guy I had over this past year was waning fast.
    I realize that maybe he felt uncomfortable perhaps, but considering he told me he is holding on to keepsakes and telling me he DID want to hang out, I assumed he was telling me the truth

    To my surprise, he finally did show up to a get-together with a bunch of other people from the Christian group. He came right up to me expecting me to give him a big hug and be happy to see him but I gave him a luke warm reception and was merely polite. He then glared at me and according to my other friend (not in the Christian group) he kept looking over at me the entire time. But I was just very confused and unsure. He wasn't coming up to me at all, and I was talking to everybody else who was there to see me. He sulked in the corner the whole time. Then on his way out, he stood far away from me and said sorry about Saturday, through clenched teeth.

    I contacted him the next day and explained why I wasn't being "friendly" to him that night (although I honestly didn't think I needed to explain myself.. this was me giving him the benefit of the doubt). He profusely apologized about Saturday and the dinner, but he is too "sick" to do anything the next couple days. Then he proceeded to post photos and stuff to the christian group and on facebook showing how he's out playing sports and going to this big dancing party, tagging all our mutual friends. He also mentioned how he doesn't think me and him should be hanging out one-on-one because he doesn't want to "imply" a relationship. That comment implied to ME that he really DID just blow off the plans. It made me wonder why he told me in the first place he wanted to do anything, if that's how he felt.

    Aside from responding to his last message, I haven't spoken to him since. A part of me wasn't even going to INCLUDE him on that group email - I was wavering back and forth about it - but I ultimately decided that I didn't want to hurt his feelings and make him feel left out if he found out that I had contacted all the other christian group friends, but not him. But I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

    I'm no upset about it any more. I think being "stood up" hurt me more than anything else. What a humiliating experience to be stood up.

    PS: the reason I didn't greet him with a big hug is because I was just following the standard advice about getting stood up - you are supposed to not talk to the person ever again. I was thrown off by the fact that he was showing up and pretending like nothing happened
  12. I read the first paragraph. Welcome back OP! I knew posting on old threads might bring people back. :)

    I'll try to read the rest of your post when I have a chance.
  13. Thank you! Glad you aren't mad!
  14. lol mad for what? Okay I'm going to read the rest now.
  15. Joe sounds very immature. How old is he?
  16. Is it ok if we continue this discussion in a private message? :)

    and i meant, mad that i ditched the forum for like a whole year!
  17. I've only been here for a month, so I guess I'll let it slide. Sure.
  18. Well Where...I have to admit you got it right... your not as simple minded as most California folks..:cool:
  19. LOL, there is nothing simple about California. That's why sometimes I think about moving to somewhere like Washington or Hawaii. Not any place like Tennessee, that's a little too simple for me. hehehe ;)
  20. I think your behavior was impeccable. He behaved in a strange way. My opinion: don't take him too seriously.

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