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An Inevitable Truth To Be Faced By A 28 Year Old Virgin Guy (yes, It's Distress)

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by nijikon, Aug 5, 2013.

  1. Is there anything wrong with this argument:

    1. Let's assume that out of all the girls, 15% of them are virgins.

    2. I myself am a virgin and praying to God for one to marry is justified.

    3. Let's also assume that a virgin marrying a non-virgin is a nett negative for the virgin, especially if he is a guy. Bear in the mind this is in the context of the whole marriage, that is life after all the sparks, whistles, excitement have died down in a couple of years.

    Therefore, I conclude two outcomes ...

    Outcome 1: Because sin has entered the world and ultimately we live in the world and have to realistically deal with what is presented to us, the virgin may have to accept that based on probabilities, he won't get married.

    Outcome 2: With the yearning to expand his emotional range and possibilities going through life together with someone, he will do it at the expense of suffering mental torture and perpetual doubts that comes with marrying a non-virgin as explained by biological science.


    As you can tell, this thread is based on rationale and sound reasoning.
  2. Our Pastor was 28 or 29 before he got married-a virgin, to a virgin. I wish I had his life compared to mine. I can tell you all kinds of ways to screw up your life getting 'physical'.

    And I can also tell you that the regret baggage and mental torment of 'giving up my virgin' without being married to my one and only wife is far worse than anything you are going through....

    It is worth the wait-even if you die a virgin!

    Don't start a marriage unequally yoked in anything-especially sex-unless you are a very forgiving, easily forgetting person-even then I wouldn't do it if I had it to do all over again...
  3. Don't know the exact point of this, but...

    I got married for the first time in 1999 after 37 years - as a virgin. I left the choice of a wife up to God, and He provided wonderfully. When you allow God to work, all the arguments of "rationale and sound reasoning" don't apply.
    Mr. Darby, Kurt75 and Rumely says Amen and like this.
  4. Aside to Brother_Mike_V, I have been reading all the forums that talk about this "regret baggage and mental torment" which you mentioned and ultimately making me conclude that "It is worth the wait-even if you die a virgin!". Somewhat different here is that I have yet to give up my virginity (which I'm okay / fine about) and the regret that comes in marrying a non-virgin.

    I guess what I can take it from you is further evidence for my conclusion - barring a maricle from God, I might have to accept that I won't get married. As I move further away from my 20's, I coming to accept the fact that I've already made a choice unconscionably at that time - finding a good Christian girlfriend earlier in life before they got attached with other guys.

    Aside to Fadingman, the point of this post is to seek justification on this way of thinking. I can see from your reply that the conclusion you are telling me is that God trumps rationale and sound reasoning. Sadly, I have yet to reach that stage.
  5. Acts 10:15 The voice spoke to him a second time, “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean''.

    Any Christian that has lost their virginity can gain it again. The issue is whether they are saved or unsaved and if saved, how prevalent their old nature is. As Mike said, don't be unequally yoked.
  6. I would have to disagree with you in this one KingJ; here's why:

    The context of which you speak in Acts10:15 is of a 'spiritual' context. Whereas with sex, we are dealing with both the physical and spiritual aspects of the body. With a man we could make an argument for 'regaining virginity' physically-but it would lacking in substance and there still is the spiritual aspect of sex to deal with.

    In a woman. once that virginity is "broken" physically-there is no getting that back short of a physical miracle and then you have the spiritual to deal with. We are cleansed by the Lord spiritually when we accept salvation, physically we are still trapped in sinful flesh.

    I think that's why God wants us to marry 'once' till death do us part-so we don't carry the guilt and/or suspicion of our mate knowing they were "cleaved" with another. God has a process-when we follow that process-he blesses.

    This is also why I adhere to the 'don't be unequally yoked' in all areas doctrine: I believe a divorced person marrying a single virgin would only cause undue conflict dealing with the other's baggage. The same applies to single parents, non-virgins, etc...Paul even said it was better NOT to remarry if you are widowed...but it is not a commandment. There is so much when it comes to sex and marriage it is hard to discern what we should do because our emotions tend to get in the way.

    1 Corinthians 7
    8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
  7. Aside to Brother_Mike_V: whether what you say comes from experience or your current sexual state inequality, I must say that what you are saying resonates with me deeply, in particular that while Jesus forgives, the consequence of sin still remain. Romans 6:23 in the NT does make mention of this. So while a non-virgin may be ENTIRELY forgiven by Jesus, there still comes the consequences, you could say the physical consequences, which come in his or her marriage later.

    KingJ, I think this does not contradict your “Do not call anything impure that God has made clean.". I see it this way - she is a lovely and forgiven being in the eyes of Jesus. But unless I attain that perfection in seeing the way Jesus sees, the choice of marrying a non-virgin comes with a cost that is too much for a virgin to bear. Is she forgiven, yes. Will I serve in church with her, yes. Will I marry her, probably not.

    My greatest fear, and this is what I need more advise on, is whether this stance of not being forgiving enough to marry a non-virgin comes from my current state of a virgin, or my deeply root principles in the Bible, or both.

    There may be some overlap, such as maybe I'll overlook this non-virgin state if I myself am a non-virgin. However, the way my life has unfolded can't be changed. And sadly, unless I attain Godliness in Jesus in order to deal with the what I perceived as the trouble that will surely come being a virgin marrying a non-virgin, I might have to politely bow out marrying a non-virgin.

    It's like I'm 70% spiritually good obeying the principles in NT. But just not that 90% good to see pass a spouse's non-virginity. Neither is wrong. It's a matter of choice.
  8. While it is better to marry a virgin for a number of reasons, some of which have already been stated, it may be a net positive for a virgin to marry someone who may not be a virgin, but who has come to a place of salvation and chastity rather than to "burn". However, if the virgin can't get past the other's past, then he or she should hold out for another virgin, which God is quite capable of finding for them, whatever the statistics. I just don't like the idea of discarding so quickly someone who has made mistakes but has repented and been redeemed and born again.

    And regarding statistics, if, say, only 15% of women are virgins, I suspect that the percentage of male virgins is about the same or even less. So, if all the virgins marry each other, there may not be a huge disparity.

    I also don't understand the statement that a virgin marrying a non-virgin is a net negative for the virgin especially if he is a guy. Why would it be any less so if the virgin is a girl? Seems like a double and unfair standard.
    Mr. Darby, Kurt75 and KingJ says Amen and like this.
  9. #9 nijikon, Aug 6, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
    Aside or Rumely, thanks for your contribution. I really don't want to get into the common double standard argument which as seen in many other forums usually goes nowhere.

    I think all that is said so far is placed within a framework, which is good and my goal from the start. That is, while God is fully capable of miracles, we need to realistically deal with what is in the world because of the propagation of sin. One of the components which is in the world is science.

    Because science has it such that the male species is the one who yearns for multiple partners but the female species for a single stable partner, it is slightly more acceptable (argh, I can't find a better word) for the male to be a non-virgin. What is in my favor here, and I thank God for this, is that Biblical principles has led me to control my sexual desires thereby making me an exception to the rule.

    I hope you can see that I'm trying to push to a common ground which has both the spiritual and physical side of things. Just like how Christians can't be devoid of the spirit, humans can't be devoid of the flesh. This sheds light to my original statement. After all the excitement of sex, marriage, joys and holidays of the couple, what follows is a time where the virgin guy has to inevitably deal with something the non-virgin girl doesn't have to - knowing that she had sex with another guy.

    Perhaps there will be pockets of happiness which overrides this problem. But I feel it's a problem that will last longer than the sustained periods of happiness in between, therefore the net negative. There have been forums which state unequally yoke couples having this issues even after having kids.

    The time period for this to happen, I say two years. Call me an odd person to see so far into the future and speculate without much experience that the marriage will be a net negative. But being someone of patience who calculates average payoffs over 30 years, I might just be correct more often than I am wrong.
  10. I think the issue of marriage 'in the Lord' is: whether both are cleansed and walking in the light.

    Part of the wonder of the Gospel is that whether or not a person has had zipper trouble in the past, s/he can by God's grace move on. (I know there are sometimes ongoing responsibilities to be faced.)
  11. ...and raped. Its estimated that over 40% of woman here in the deep south will be raped in their life time.
  12. #12 KingJ, Aug 6, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2013
  13. Good point. By the deep south, I am assuming you are talking about South Africa, just to clarify, as America refers to certain regions of the United States as the deep south as well. Anyway, if accurate, that's a horrifying statistic.

    What it comes down to, for me, is that if it bothers Nijikon that much that a woman is not a virgin, then by all means he should confine his attentions to only virgin women. It is true that in today's culture the pool of women who are virgins and whose personalities, appearance, age, preferences in a mate, etc., etc., are within a certain compatible range will be fairly small. It is true then, that without God's intervention, there is a strong possibility that he will remain unmarried.
    Kurt75 likes this.
  14. This was what I'm looking for. Good answer and reaffirms my reasoning.
  15. Articles like this scare me the most.

    Christian couple married for ten years plus and the guy says this:

    "You might think that a decade would be enough time to leave hurt far in the distant past. And yet sometimes it came back, as fresh and as raw as ever it was."
  16. The book of Hosea is, I think, instructive. The Lord guided the prophet to marry someone who was unfaithful, in order to teach the prophet something of the Lord's infinite and loving patience with His erring people.
  17. Yes SA. We deeper south then most countries :).

    Nijikon reminds me of my brother. He is same age and stil unmarried too. You are right the pool is small.
  18. I think you must just focus on prayer. If you are lead by the Spirit, you will see God's provision. He knows you better then you know yourself. He knows what is best for you. In fact I will say that every girl that comes your way that truly loves Jesus is very likely from God. God cannot send girls your way who are not His to send and likewsie the devil. It is as simple as you pray and then God send woman your way. God wouldn't delay as you are ready for marriage at your age. The delay would only be your side imho.
    nijikon likes this.
  19. ...and Hosea was told to marry her while she was still unfaithful! This wasn't past history that she had repented of!

    Of course, it would be foolish for us to do the same thing: Hosea was directly commanded by God. We weren't.
  20. I think we need to remember that, while premarital abstinence is good and important, yet spiritually it's even more important that we recognize that any righteousness the believer has in the sight of God is righteousness that has been received and imputed by faith in the Lord Jesus, whatever our past may have been.

    Mr. Darby and KingJ say Amen and like this.

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