Am I losing anything by marrying someone who isn't a virgin?

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by Daisetsuu, Aug 10, 2016.

  1. Please brethren, take your time to listen to my story as I have been restless for days wrestling with my own thoughts and what others have said. First a little background story...

    I met this girl and she is amazing, we hit it off great, we been talking everyday since we first met, it's only been a couple of months but we both said it feels like we known each other for a loong time, I believe its because we were so honest with each other and vulnerable. Well eventually we were reading Passion and Purity together by Elizabeth and the topic of sex came up and she told me she lost the battle of purity at 17, she lost her virginity to her boyfriend and broke up because she feared hell, she told me she owned up to her own disobedience and now repents and walks in newness of life. SHe told me she hurts because of letting me now. She doesn't hurt because of her past anymore, she told she dealt with it.

    At first, it didn't bother me too much, so I responded in grace and forgiveness. Now as we are getting closer, more questions arise and I found myself thinking about it more, images start flaring up, I start wondering "will this hurt our future intimacy?" "am I losing something because I waited and she didn't?"Now we often have deep conversations and our past was brought up. Again I mention This hurting me, although I thought it didn’t at the time. I thought the pain was from God pulling out the idol of purity and virginity. Also, I had a bad history with porn in my past but I am a virgin so in retrospect we both sinned sexually. She told me she repented and she is clean in Jesus but she hurts for letting me know because it would hurt me. It did, but I did not tell her that I am struggling with this because we are still talking and we are not in a relationship yet but we want to and have talked about it. I may bring it up when we are in relationship because as friends who have feelings for each other I think mentioning this again will hurt us.

    I want to love her. I told her if it comes to that I will accept all that she is and I really, really do. I pray in tears and in anguish towards God about this issue because I can’t understand why it bothers me so much. God has forgiven her so why can’t I forgive, let go and move on with the new creation she is now. I looked at many articles about this subject but up to no avail, which is why Im writing to you. I ask for advice, I feel as though I was cheated, that I am receiving less. But am I really losing anything besides her virginity, I ask myself is it really that important, isn’t purity in the heart?

    I really fear on how her past may affect our marriage, our future intimacy will I struggle with images and thoughts of her past in the future? I am scared, will this be something I will wrestle for the rest of my life? I feel really bad because I comforted her and told her I will embrace her and show her agape. To go back and tell her I am still struggling with her past will hurt her beyond measure. What can I do? Am I losing anything by marrying someone who isn’t a virgin? What am I really afraid of?

    Last final question, for those who are virgins who married non-virgins, how was the experience? can you have the same intimacy as two virgins marrying? can God restore physical virginity? (He can do all things and I know if he wanted to, he can, a poster mentioned God doing this for his wife on this forum)
  2. No one here?
  3. Blessings Brother,
    Be patient as you wait for replies other wise you can get hit with quick answers without much thought and that my friend will just add more confusion into your thinking.

    That is experience talking. :)
    Cturtle likes this.
  4. Ok, I apologize. Thank you brother :)!
    Cturtle and Fish Catcher Jim say Amen and like this.
  5. @Daisetsuu

    For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

    Confusion is fear and unsettled
    Forgiveness is Love
    Sound mind is peace in God

    I as No One else here can tell you that this girl is the right one for you as God's best or Choice for you.

    I will assume the best and believe the two of you have sought after God's heart in this and allowed Him to direct your steps.

    Now then brother let me ask you this.
    Have you sinned and been forgiven of anything?

    Do you desire anyone to bring it back up and hold it over you ?

    Her past sin is no worse then anything you have done.

    So if God forgave her, ask your self this one question....who am I to bring up or harbor her past sin if God remembers it no more?

    The question is not if her past will effect your future But can you as a Man and believer Handle it?

    Her past mistake shall not condemn her today if you Love Her As God Loves You.

    Cturtle likes this.
  6. Lol I was working on a reply and as a friendly warning.....Be very cautious to what you listen to and allow into your thinking. Even though this is a Christian forum , some members speak from a human or worldly view and just add confusion.

    This is a very important choice and step in both of your lives which will change both of your futures either choice you make.

    Please do not allow others to think for you. It's not their life or future at stake here but both of yours.
    Just thought I would throw that in.

    Don't give up
    Cturtle likes this.

  7. Thank you so much, I've been praying and mediating on this issue. I have a few more questions to ask, I had a bad past with porn so with that in mind, wouldn't that create the loss of intimacy and damage for a future spouse? since I watched porn and masterbating(used to be an addiction) had I lost the specialness of having sex(since I corrupted my mind and body?) if I would marry a virgin?

    I've decided to love her and prayed for God to see her as he does, one of my BIGGEST fears is this coming to haunt my mind in the future (as I read people who married non-virgins struggle with) I don't want that in the future so my question is

    is it a Biblical fact that she lost something that she can never get back? can't Jesus restore all things, included her mental, emotional and possibly physical virginity? am I compromising in anyway than I would marrying a virgin?

    I just want to know if we can experience that "first time" feeling? or is she forever bonded with the guy she had sex with, this will be a deciding factor along with prayer close inspection of her character. Thank you for answering
  8. First Please forgive me @Daisetsuu for taking too long to reply.

    To answer your last question first.
    Nothing has to destroy any intimacy at all in any way If You Choose To Not Allow It to.

    What you are dealing with are darts from the enemy the devil. Each of those thoughts are created to destroy you or steal, kill or destroy .

    Below is the only way to overcome these darts or any others that may come. This is why I said if you choose. The enemy will try to deceive you into all sorts of crazy things coming against this.

    Now you have But Two Choices Here.
    Resist and cast down and draw closer to God which will also bring forth a deeper closeness with her as well


    You can choose to listen to these darts (thoughts) and begin to think about them and then he can reel you in and Steal Kill and destroy.
    his plan is to get you obsessed with this to the point it's like a cancer eating away your peace and love and respect for her or each other.

    One more thing......your past with the porn is no different then her Past Mistake. One is not worse then the other. So repent ask forgiveness and don't bring it up again. The devil will work hard to get you too. God won't so who are you too? See my point there?

    Any way here is God's way of getting to the place where you can rise above it all and are able to resist the devil and send him packing.

    Make this something the two of you go after together as well. Hint for you bro.......if the two of you together follow these scriptures and put it forth unto a daily won't even be able to compare the intimacy between you compared to Any Other Situation. That's a proven fact.....I was not always saved ya know.

    Galatians 5:16 and Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

    Romans 12:2 ....
    And be not conformed to this world; but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind that ye may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God

    (( Get His word in you each and every day and speak His word each and every day ))

    2 Corinthians 10:4-5
    4... For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to pulling down strong holds

    5... Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

    (( Begin to practice the words you speak and thoughts you think for our thoughts and words to control how we act or react and believe. Our own words do more do influence our thinking then most of everything else))

    Galatians 5:16
    This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh

    (( The more you do the first two the more you will begin to walk in the Spirit and you will be amazed to say the least. ))

    All done through the Grace of God
    who maketh all grace abound to me. (2 Corinthians 9:8)

    Blessings and love in Christ

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