Am I hopelessly lost? Hello everyone, I have been reading your forum for a while now. I want to join the group but I don't know if I am worthy. I was saved and baptized at the age of about 15 yrs old. I remember it was a glorious feeling of peace and wholeness that I felt as if I would explode. But as the years passed I drifted away from the word of God and into the sins and troubles of the world. I grew to be mean and angry and only worried about how much money I could make. The job I had I was in control of a lot of peoples way of earning a living for their family. It didn't bother me to see someone lose their job, no matter how badly they needed it. I had no compassion or caring for anyone other than the Company. I was an Old School Hardliner. In the last couple of years I was with the company, things really started to bother me. Someone would lose their job, or get sick and unable to work and I would worry about them as if they were part of my family. This started one day when I was really coming down hard on an employee because they were not doing as well as I thought they should be. This man looked at me and said in a broken voice,"I'm doing the best I can". He was and I knew it. From that point on I couldn't be the hard nose that I was. Then in 2000 an announcement was made that the company was downsizing and was offered a job at a new location but didn't take it. I wanted out. So in six months the division was to close permanently, and every that didn't transfer would be laid off. I was getting a good severance package and was making plans to return to school. Two weeks before the closing, I became ill and wound up in the hospital ER. The Dr said it was just an infection and sent me home. The next day I was still very sick and had to return to the ER. This time my wife had a fit with the Hospital and they admitted me to run some tests. After 5 days they still had not figured what was wrong with me so another Dr was called in. I vaguely remember him saying that they had to do something right away or I had little chance of living. The Dr did the operation and found some serious problems and told my wife I may not come through the operation, to pray. When I was awakened after the op., I was on a ventilator, had all kind of tubes and things connected here and there and was so weak I couldn't hardly raise my head. I was on the ventilator in the ICU for 5 days. On the 4th day( I think,not sure) I was awake and looking around the room I was in. Looking at the various machines on my right and turned to my left to see my nurse over at the station. I turned back to my right and there was a person standing at my bedside. I couldn't see a face. Only an outline with an extremely bright white, blue,silver looking light just surrounding the outline of this person, and other smaller lights of the same sort just above the bed. As I looked back at the person and thought what are these lights. The person said "They are those that will make you better" then I went to sleep. The next day I was taken off the vent., and the next day moved to a room and stayed another 18 days in the hospital. But I never spoke of this experience or hallucination to anyone. Spent the next 9 months with a 10 inch opening in my belly and a colostomy bag then finally another op to put everything back together. Since I have returned to work but not in a position as I had before. Now, The thing is, I have just felt so lost and empty since the experience. I know God got me through all this. I have prayed but I don't get the feeling of peace like I used to. I have been going to church and enjoy it but still cant feel the presence of the Holy Ghost. Instead I keep getting this sort of voice saying that I need to listen and learn and go tell everybody. But I also get the feeling that I am too lost to be saved and I am condemned. Can it be that I have been so bad that I am hopelessly lost?