Hi everyone, i will try to make this as short as I possibly can. I would love some advice and your views regarding this topic.
My marriage was hell on earth. My ex is diagnosed bipolar and narcissist. I was constantly emotionally and verbally abused, put down and lived in shock and horror on a daily basis. I was made to run our family business with 2 young kids working long and tiring hours and made to keep a perfect household while he did nothing but sleep and go out whenever and wherever he wanted. I was controlled into going back to fulltime work when my first born son was 1 week old, i didn't need to financially and we could have hired staff but that's the way he loved to slave me. I was never allowed to complain I was tired and if I did I was yelled at for being lazy and unappreciative and a bad person not wanting to work for our family. It was easier to give in to his requests than be abused about it. I was sworn at, spat on, disrespected pretty much on a daily basis for 6 years, at home and infront of people. He did not love me. I stayed loyal and committed in the 6 years of marriage as i felt i shouldn t give up and God didn't want me to leave, I supported him 100% trying to help him through his illness and behaviour and always trying to understand and forgive. His family did not support me but instead started blaming me for his illness. He has been demon possessed twice from drug use which horrified me and left me living in torment and fear. He is extremely manipulative and has been able to manipulate doctors into believing there is nothing wrong with him only to end up in mental hospitals later on from phsycotic episodes. He told me he was intimate with the stripper at the club but he did not have sex and he was drunk. He openly watched porn at home not worrying about my feelings. He had a twisted view towards sex which he did horrific things to me. I was so turned off him and wanted to die. I was always accused of stealing if i even took money to shop at the grocery store for our kids. In arguments he would charge at me like he was gonna kill me, breaking and smashing things on the way. I was always scared of what he was capable of. He would mock me constantly and always remind me how I came from a poor family and mock them too. I was called every name you could think of and always told i was not good enough. Food wasn t good enough, house not clean enough, shop not busy enough and it was all my fault. I was so depressed i started to beg God for a way out. After years of hell i met a nice decent man through work who was always cheerful and nice, i found myself starting to dream about him when i needed to escape from my life and eventually we shared ONE kiss which my husband found out about and immediately left me and the kids. I look back now and don't even know why I kissed this guy as its totally out of my character but I guess I needed to feel anything but pain and hurt. The next few years of separation were a blur of him accusing me of being a slut, whore, bad wife, bad mother, lazy totally trashing my name in public, he harassed me and controlled me worse than when we were married. He lied about thousands of things to his family and friends and no one would talk to me and everyone looked down at me. It was so painful and damaging. He proceeded to want to divorce me as he wanted to marry a girl that he met overseas and I never once doubted that I wanted to stay with him so I was happy to divorce. During the divorce settlement he controlled, intimidated and bullied me into hardly receiving anything while he got everything and dated woman after woman after woman and i have not dated anyone at all until this point. I did speak to a lovely Christian man for a few months but he stopped talking to me as i was divorced and he was single, I felt really insecure talking to him anyway and once again I felt judged and rejected and this really depressed me. We did not have sex. I have led such a lonely sad existence and have been leaning towards God for my life to change and to get my confidence back. I have no direction and feel so lonely. It really upsets me to now know that i cannot remarry and have a chance at experiencing real love the way God intented and if i remarry i am living in adultery. I was punished in my marriage and feel blessed i got out of that destruction but now i feel punished as i cannot remarry according to the bible. So many more worse things i have experienced with my ex but too much to write and i try not to remember. He has not changed his ways and we lead totally different lives. I am happy I am free of him, I do not love him and will never reconcile. I have totally forgiven my ex husband for all he has done and continues to do. I feel that not being allowed to remarry or experience love has kept me bound to past sin. Even people full of hate and murder are forgiven if they repent and allowed to enjoy the rest of their life so why not me? I am not hateful and spiteful person. Did I commit the adultery by kissing the guy even though it came from a place of pain. Has anyone got any advice or experienced anything similar?
