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Am i allowed to remarry biblically?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by lonely37, Dec 30, 2015.

  1. Hi everyone, i will try to make this as short as I possibly can. I would love some advice and your views regarding this topic.
    My marriage was hell on earth. My ex is diagnosed bipolar and narcissist. I was constantly emotionally and verbally abused, put down and lived in shock and horror on a daily basis. I was made to run our family business with 2 young kids working long and tiring hours and made to keep a perfect household while he did nothing but sleep and go out whenever and wherever he wanted. I was controlled into going back to fulltime work when my first born son was 1 week old, i didn't need to financially and we could have hired staff but that's the way he loved to slave me. I was never allowed to complain I was tired and if I did I was yelled at for being lazy and unappreciative and a bad person not wanting to work for our family. It was easier to give in to his requests than be abused about it. I was sworn at, spat on, disrespected pretty much on a daily basis for 6 years, at home and infront of people. He did not love me. I stayed loyal and committed in the 6 years of marriage as i felt i shouldn t give up and God didn't want me to leave, I supported him 100% trying to help him through his illness and behaviour and always trying to understand and forgive. His family did not support me but instead started blaming me for his illness. He has been demon possessed twice from drug use which horrified me and left me living in torment and fear. He is extremely manipulative and has been able to manipulate doctors into believing there is nothing wrong with him only to end up in mental hospitals later on from phsycotic episodes. He told me he was intimate with the stripper at the club but he did not have sex and he was drunk. He openly watched porn at home not worrying about my feelings. He had a twisted view towards sex which he did horrific things to me. I was so turned off him and wanted to die. I was always accused of stealing if i even took money to shop at the grocery store for our kids. In arguments he would charge at me like he was gonna kill me, breaking and smashing things on the way. I was always scared of what he was capable of. He would mock me constantly and always remind me how I came from a poor family and mock them too. I was called every name you could think of and always told i was not good enough. Food wasn t good enough, house not clean enough, shop not busy enough and it was all my fault. I was so depressed i started to beg God for a way out. After years of hell i met a nice decent man through work who was always cheerful and nice, i found myself starting to dream about him when i needed to escape from my life and eventually we shared ONE kiss which my husband found out about and immediately left me and the kids. I look back now and don't even know why I kissed this guy as its totally out of my character but I guess I needed to feel anything but pain and hurt. The next few years of separation were a blur of him accusing me of being a slut, whore, bad wife, bad mother, lazy totally trashing my name in public, he harassed me and controlled me worse than when we were married. He lied about thousands of things to his family and friends and no one would talk to me and everyone looked down at me. It was so painful and damaging. He proceeded to want to divorce me as he wanted to marry a girl that he met overseas and I never once doubted that I wanted to stay with him so I was happy to divorce. During the divorce settlement he controlled, intimidated and bullied me into hardly receiving anything while he got everything and dated woman after woman after woman and i have not dated anyone at all until this point. I did speak to a lovely Christian man for a few months but he stopped talking to me as i was divorced and he was single, I felt really insecure talking to him anyway and once again I felt judged and rejected and this really depressed me. We did not have sex. I have led such a lonely sad existence and have been leaning towards God for my life to change and to get my confidence back. I have no direction and feel so lonely. It really upsets me to now know that i cannot remarry and have a chance at experiencing real love the way God intented and if i remarry i am living in adultery. I was punished in my marriage and feel blessed i got out of that destruction but now i feel punished as i cannot remarry according to the bible. So many more worse things i have experienced with my ex but too much to write and i try not to remember. He has not changed his ways and we lead totally different lives. I am happy I am free of him, I do not love him and will never reconcile. I have totally forgiven my ex husband for all he has done and continues to do. I feel that not being allowed to remarry or experience love has kept me bound to past sin. Even people full of hate and murder are forgiven if they repent and allowed to enjoy the rest of their life so why not me? I am not hateful and spiteful person. Did I commit the adultery by kissing the guy even though it came from a place of pain. Has anyone got any advice or experienced anything similar?
  2. I believe God forgives us for everything and you should be allowed to remarry and be happy. God has a plan for everyone and this was the plan for you to get away and feel safe and be happy the way you deserve everything happens for a reason!
    Cturtle likes this.
  3. Scripturally, here's your answer without comment. If you have a question, ask:

    1Cor 7:1-40 (NET)
    Now with regard to the issues you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of immoralities, each man should have relations with his own wife and each woman with her own husband. A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then resume your relationship, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that everyone was as I am. But each has his own gift from God, one this way, another that. To the unmarried and widows I say that it is best for them to remain as I am. But if they do not have self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire. To the married I give this command – not I, but the Lord – a wife should not divorce a husband (but if she does, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband), and a husband should not divorce his wife. To the rest I say – I, not the Lord – if a brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is happy to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is happy to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified because of the wife, and the unbelieving wife because of her husband. Otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever wants a divorce, let it take place. In these circumstances the brother or sister is not bound. God has called you in peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will bring your husband to salvation? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will bring your wife to salvation? Nevertheless, as the Lord has assigned to each one, as God has called each person, so must he live. I give this sort of direction in all the churches. Was anyone called after he had been circumcised? He should not try to undo his circumcision. Was anyone called who is uncircumcised? He should not get circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Instead, keeping God’s commandments is what counts. Let each one remain in that situation in life in which he was called. Were you called as a slave? Do not worry about it. But if indeed you are able to be free, make the most of the opportunity. For the one who was called in the Lord as a slave is the Lord’s freedman. In the same way, the one who was called as a free person is Christ’s slave. You were bought with a price. Do not become slaves of men. In whatever situation someone was called, brothers and sisters, let him remain in it with God. With regard to the question about people who have never married, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my opinion as one shown mercy by the Lord to be trustworthy. Because of the impending crisis I think it best for you to remain as you are. The one bound to a wife should not seek divorce. The one released from a wife should not seek marriage. But if you marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face difficult circumstances, and I am trying to spare you such problems. And I say this, brothers and sisters: The time is short. So then those who have wives should be as those who have none, those with tears like those not weeping, those who rejoice like those not rejoicing, those who buy like those without possessions, those who use the world as though they were not using it to the full. For the present shape of this world is passing away. And I want you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the things of the world, how to please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, to be holy both in body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the things of the world, how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place a limitation on you, but so that without distraction you may give notable and constant service to the Lord. If anyone thinks he is acting inappropriately toward his virgin, if she is past the bloom of youth and it seems necessary, he should do what he wishes; he does not sin. Let them marry. But the man who is firm in his commitment, and is under no necessity but has control over his will, and has decided in his own mind to keep his own virgin, does well. So then, the one who marries his own virgin does well, but the one who does not, does better. A wife is bound as long as her husband is living. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes (only someone in the Lord). But in my opinion, she will be happier if she remains as she is – and I think that I too have the Spirit of God! ​
    KingJ likes this.
  4. i suggest you to remarry
    that was the only will of God you were divorced.
    nothing happens without God's will.
  5. Welcome @lonely37! If you have the desire to remarry then seek God. He is not mad at you nor does He desire for you to be unhappy in your life. It sounds like to me that you ended up with the wrong man and now its time to seek God for the one that He desires for you to be with.

    God bless you abundantly with grace and peace!
  6. Hello Lonely31, based on what you have shared with us, you are free to remarry.
    First of all, though his bipolar is not sufficient grounds for divorce itself, from your description of your life with him, he is guilty of breaking the marriage vows anyway. I believe adultery is much wider in its propper application than just 'having it off' with someone. the mistreatment of a spouse, male or female is a sin against God and against that spouse.
    You make no mention of your children other than they exist.....do they live with you? their dad? do they see their dad? often? seldom? gladly? only under duress?
    In considering remarriage, you need to consider your children first, since they are obviously at a young age.
    Some questions..........a potential new husband might not really want a ready made family,... he might have children of his own from a previous marriage, how will all parties relate to each other? Is there property which will have to be divided and apportioned out amongst the children later in life.
    Even a single guy that you marry might have one or two children by you and that too can cause unseen complications later.
    I am not trying to be obviously negative, I just want to point out some of the potential road blocks for later.
    I really feel sorry for the pain and grief you have suffered and again based on what you shared, you are free to remarry if the opportunity arises.
    Look again at the marriage vows you two took. was there not a vow to honor and obey, has he honored you in your needs, has he obeyed you needs? Has he cleaved to you as his wife or has he gone off always doing his own thing?
    Those sorts of thing are marital unfaithfulness just as is getting a bit on the side so to speak,

    So in summary yes you are free to remarry, but tread very very carefully.
    KingJ and RDKirk say Amen and like this.
  7. Lonely, before you allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt about future adultery through remarriage, or at least the potential for it, may I simply suggest that you have a read of Jeremiah chapter 3. Can you see how the concept of adultery goes way beyond the sex act?
    It covers infidelity in a relationship much more so than just sex.
    KingJ and RDKirk say Amen and like this.
  8. Hello love and I hope this message finds you well. I would certainly have responded sooner if I hadn't been on a bit of a break so I hope you've found some answers already. I can't help but to feel to ask your permission personally to answer this question as you've been so open and honest about your life at the moment however I assure you, you will find peace with the answer!

    I find it just amazing that you've been so open and made yourself quite vulnerable and as a serving local church Pastor, I am very intrigued about your personal calling in the Lord for the future. It sounds like He has very big plans for you and the things you've experienced....
    Angela333, KingJ and calvin says Amen and like this.
  10. Hi and thank you for your response and care. Yes of course you can reply to me personally and yes I have been so open and honest about my experience because im looking for an open and honest answer. Thanks so much once again.
  11. Thanks so much for leading me to that!
  12. Thank you for your response and message. It has helped me tremendously xx
  14. Hi and thanks for your respone. My children are with me full time and see there father on a regular basis with the supervision of his family members. My children and happy, healthy, smart children that have a beautiful love for our Lord. The things you have mentioned do also go through my mind and I guess unless the Lord sends me someone absolutely amazing that will fit right in with our lives for the better than I will remain single. Yes my children do come first.
    Cturtle likes this.
  15. Hello and I was so hoping that you'd respond tonight as I was really quite keen for you to receive the answer you need so you're not suffering any longer but it sounds as though you are looking for a definitive answer so you can have real peace so I hope this is your New Year's Gift from God. Although it would be great if you were reconciled to this individual you are now free to marry who you wish and you are no longer bound by the terms of your previous marriage. The Lord says in His Word that 'if the unbelieving depart, let Him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.' (1 Cor 7;15) Now I say this just for your own confidence, I'm telling you from the place of being a serving local church Pastor who was called by prophecy, trained over seven years and then set forward to oversee within the body of Christ which I've done so now for seven years. I read God Word in the original, in this case the Greek as well as employing all of the methods of interpreting scripture correctly including taking His Word in context of Book, Chapter and Verse and of course by the leading of the Lord's Spirit.

    I'm sure it would be so great to see you and this individual reconciled, marriage is a serious subject throughout God's Word and not a subject to be taken lightly. It's something I myself have a tremendous passion for that people would experience true marriage in the way God intended so this particular chapter in Corinthians and others is one which I've studied many times in the past and even looked on over again tonight to ensure the correct words are given to you. I am acutely aware that the Lord is watching our conversation right now and feel that deep responsibility to make sure you are fully confident that the Lord indeed does deem you free from your past marriage to an unbeliever, you are now more than free to find that individual God has intended for you. The purpose of the Chapter in Corinthians is to outline God's mind in various situations in marriage an these particular verses, from what I know from your testimony, apply to you.

    I do pray for this individual as I know how hard depression disorders can be and I hope he finds Jesus Christ in the future in his own time but for you, it's time to move on and, be free!
    KingJ and calvin say Amen and like this.
  16. #16 KingJ, Jan 5, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2016
    It sounds to me like you were lead into temptation by him. He should have stuck around then to resolve the issue. He left too quickly. That is the bottom line. He left you. He moved on. He should have stayed and realized the damage that was and worked on fixing it.

    It is normal for most men to not trust you since you have been divorced. This is not wrong on their part. You just have to understand that God brings us life partners. Don't jump the gun again on God. Wait on Him and get yourself ready for His provision. God has someone special for you. Sorry for all the abuse. I don't believe it all though. Most times our posts sound worse then actual reality. Then some times they don't do it enough justice.

    I once read a letter from my ex to her friends bad mouthing me. It was true, but geesh when we mention only the bad things it seems like we are the devil when we actually aren't. We all have bad things in that closet. My advice would be for you to stop bad mouthing him. Speak only good of him to his and your kids.

    Remember also that you are someone still in his life through the kids. God can and wants to use you to win him over to the Lord.

    I know a couple that divorced. The wife said almost what you are saying. They both moved on with others temporarily. But after five years apart, they remarried. Today they are going on for I think ten years and still so happy together. They have their problems, but God's hand is there on the relationship.
  18. Thank you for that. Yes even after separation I was telling him I didn't want to divorce and we should go through the church for marriage counselling but he did not want to. Actually what I have a told you is just a tiny percentage of the dysfunction that I was living. Things were a thousand times worse that this. Obviously you don't have a partner with psychotic bipolar disorder so you may find it hard to comprehend that these things happen plus worse and more. I suggest you have a read of partners experiences that have also lived too with a partner with this illness and you will realise that worse things happen to them also on a daily basis. It is horrific. There are highs, lows, paranoia, mania, hypomania, depression, irritability, schizophrenic sypmtoms, racing thoughts, narcissim, spending sprees putting us in so much debt (just to name a few). These symtoms can last from weeks to months to years and are extremely draining. It is a very very hard lifestyle and it is not normal and extremely painful. Physcotic episodes to me seem like total demon possession and the words coming out of his mouth and his actions when in that state prove to me that it is. If you would like to know more about this im happy to share it. Im not badmouthing him and I have remained to forgive him and help him as a human being but I am clearly stating / badmouthing the situation, I am badmouthing this illness. How else can I tell you of my experiences then? That's so good to hear that your friends have reconciled and I wish them all the best. But unfortunately this is not the case for us, especially when there has been no change from his behalf. I truely believe that Gods hand was in our relationship too but to actually get me out. While I seek God, if he sends me a man then yes I will remarry but if not then I will not remarry but before I do any of this I wanted to know for sure if I was allowed to.
  19. Your allowed to. However all marriages, that's ALL marriages, have troubles,
    all those "oh he is my soul mate" have arguments and heated discussions and cant agree on the color of the wallpaper
    or what plants to put where or how to educate the children or where to live.
    So you might meet mr right and he is a thousand times better then your ex...except he is about to jump on a Harley and tour America or hes about to move to france or hes being posted as a missionary to Iraq or or or still love will make you do crazy things. wont it? who doesn't like to be in love?
    All marriages have a seven year itch, ie after about 7 years your husband or wife are a bit boring.
    My advice is make a bucket list, do that then pray about getting another husband, enjoy your life see London, eat pizza in Italy, climb the pyramid, swim in the clear blue white sandy waters of the
    south pacific on some distant island, yeah you would like to do all those things with someone?
  20. Hi lonely,
    It sounds like you have a lot to talk out.
    My ex was/is a very sorry mess as a person too.
    To say "I know how you feel" would be an insult.....I only know how I felt and I can just say that I'm glad for you that you are coming out of a very personally destructive and oppressive situation.
    You might like to consider opening up a 'conversation' (PM) with some of the ladies here whereby you can discuss anything of a more sensitive nature without fear of judgment and keeping things sensitive and too personal, out of the world wide arena.
    Just a thought...

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