Almost 30, But Still Desperate To Feel "included"

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jmilly, May 3, 2014.

  1. #1 jmilly, May 3, 2014
    Last edited: May 3, 2014
    This is a bit of a rant..

    right before i got out of grad school, i had finally met a group in which i felt very welcomed. now that i've graduated and moved far away, i try to stay off facebook because when i log on, i see all those old friends spending lots of time together and having time and I feel depressed / jealous. When I went to visit, i felt like I was an irritant to them, like they were obligated to come see me, rather than wanting to. And if you read my other post, one of the friends of the group who at the time made me feel loved then (although not at first..but eventually) seemed the MOST annoyed at having to see me / acted the least interested in seeing me. And that ended on a terrible note. Now we're not friends at all.

    How do I get over these feelings of feeling left out, and the desperate need to belong, or hone in on their inside jokes? I feel lonely where I am because I moved to a city where I don't know anybody. So i guess i cling to the past. I feel embarrassed when my hair stylists asks me what I'm doing over the weekend and I always tell her the same thing, "nothing" I'm sure if i met a group of friends here, while it would occupy my time, I know i'd go straight to feeling like I wasn't a part of eveything and i was on the outside and maybe they were even talking about me. for all I know i'm "that" person in the group. There was a guy we knew in my grad school who was just a little eccentric and odd, and these people were too nice to say anything but they all acted like having to hang out with him was awkward.

    Sigh... I don't know. I know that this is wrong. I know i'm wrong to feel jealous. It's just wrong. Not what God intended. Doesn't he want people to feel happy? And I'm so used to being a "loner" and I am content about doing stuff by myself. I go out to eat alone, concerts alone, movies alone. And I'm secure enough to do that, but after awhile it just seems abnormal. Like I should be enjoying these things with other people, not by myself. And I often feel lonely. And sometimes it's scary because I don't even think about inviting people - I am just so used to it at this point. I also don't want to feel the sting of rejection when I do ask somebody and they say no. I suppose part of my feeling left out has to do with my past - I vividly remember one Halloween in 3rd grade, planning to go trick or treating with a group of my girl friends, when my BFF at the time said some of our male classmates would be joining us. I got a call a couple hours later, early in the day of Halloween, from one of the boys "Todd" saying he didn't want me to come with. I said ok, and hung up. Then my BFF called later saying Todd is saying he made me cry. I don't remember what happened. I guess I blocked the rest out of my memory, but it ruined the holiday for me. I also remember in gym class in high school we were playing whiffle ball, the gym teacher randomly selected 4 of us, me included, and asked the rest of the class to split up into those people's teams. I was worried, because I had become very shy by that point. But there was one girl in the class I was sure would come to my team, so that put me at ease. But guess what, even she joined everyone else and joined a different team. I remember feeling my cheeks feeling more and more warm, and I know I probably turned very red. I looked down at the floor and couldn't look at anybody. I felt so sad. I held in my tears but at the end of class I cried in the bathroom stall. Nobody came up to me to ask if I was ok, not even the one I considered to be a friend. I knew then, many many years ago, something very wrong has happened in my life to lead to this - and I couldn't believe i was the among those people who "nobody chooses in gym class" (literally!)
    I don't mean to try to present this like I'm some "victim" - just trying to think of a couple noteworthy examples of why I feel this way.

    Can any of you relate?
    And I know a part of this is because I set myself up to be excluded. I am so guarded and defensive sometimes. People think i'm not interested in participating or joining the group.
    I'd really like this to change. I pray about this, about making friends.
    anyway, sorry for rambling and ranting... just wondering if anybody has anything they can add. :)
  2. Oh, and I'm ready to give up on people all together, and just focus 100% on God. And not worry about what other people are doing. That was my coping strategy before. But that was before I found Jesus..... so maybe it'll be different now.
  3. I can relate to you Jmilly. Since coming to know Jesus i've become so much more comfortable and content within myself. Before then things were so hard dealing with insecurities, complexes and so on. From a certain point in my life it's like something unexplicable happened and affected my life , my friendships, school life. All of a sudden i felt excluded and seperated from everyone else.
    Now i feel i just have to move on , i still struggle with certain people but have managed to become part of a group that is non-judgemental, very loving and considerate to which i can spend time with and talk to each other.
    I know how you feel though and it's awful to feel excluded and not accepted. The self worth i receive from Jesus though gives me the love and assurance i need. It's still an ongoing process but things are improving.
    Are there any groups in your area you could join, any hobbies you're interested in that you could join in with others?
    Mitspa likes this.
  4. #4 jmilly, May 3, 2014
    Last edited: May 3, 2014
    The thing is I'm comfortable and content with myself because I have been a "loner" for SO long, I have had no choice but to be comfortable with that. I'm ok with the fact that I can do stuff by myself. I've been told a lot of people are too insecure to go for a meal by themselves. I'm confident in myself in that respect I guess. But there comes a time when I just want company. I've been told by my ex-boyfriend that when we first started dating he didn't even think I liked him at first and that I seemed disinterested and that I'm too independent. That description is exactly how i've had to become in order to survive this loner lifestyle. After all the pains and rejections I've had to adapt and become disinterested. And a lot of the time I am, and I know it sounds contradictory to the theme of this post. A lot of time I am disinterested, and then there comes a point where I realize I don't have a lot of friends, that nobody invites me, and i'm doing all this stuff by myself. And I just want to feel "loved" in a way.

    I thought I had found a group of friends who was non-judgmental, loving, and considerate, and that's the group I found before leaving grad school - the ones I felt like they had to set a special time to come see me and they stayed their required amount, and then left. I wish they could've just invited me along to do stuff with them, and not made it so obvious that they were fulfilling their obligation and that was it. I was double shocked at my other friend who almost in a way, went out of his way to make it obvious he couldn't be bothered with me. He even said to me, "it's not out of disinterest or unfriendliness or anything like that." I hadn't asked, but the way he acted sure seemed that way. He acted like I had the plague and even said he was sick, "physically unable" to leave his apartment, only to go and post on facebook how he and my other friends were going out that night, tagging our mutual friends. I felt that either A) i was the butt of some joke and he was mocking me (reminded me of the trick-or-treating kid) or B) i'm so forgetful that he had already forgotten his "sickness" charade to be concerned about my feelings. And again, this is that group of people from the nonjudgmental group I felt were my friends. or at least nicer people.
  5. I say if you find one or two "true" friends? You have found all the friends you really have or will need? This group friend thing is almost always a fallacy and is almost always a point of frustration and disappointment for us, in my opinion?
  6. I do have a couple people I consider to be true friends. However one of them ... dont know how much longer this can last .. at least at as close of friends we are. plus sometimes i'm not sure how much of "true" friends we are. she is pretty self-absorbed and only does what she wants to do.
    now that I think about that - i used to be friends with this girl, and she probably felt the same about me. I know she felt mad at me, but i was too scared to ask her. she would start to say these catty comments, and started to only hang out with me with at least one other person present. She had health issues, and if there's one regret i have it was to change whatever i was doing in that friendship, because I thought that girl was a nice friend and it would've been a close best friendship. I know it was something i did. I let her down. that's an example of why its so important to not take people for granted.

    anyway, i digress...
  7. I can trace back almost all my great errors in life to this desire to be accepted by others..I can trace all my peace and joy back to the day I knew God accepted and loved me. Jesus said a very interesting thing? "How can you believe, you who seek honor one from another" The whole "acceptance" thing we have is contrary to that which we should have with Christ.. When I am trying to be accepted my man, I am not in real faith. When I walk in the acceptance that I have with Christ, it puts me in a place where the acceptance of people has no great importance to me. Im happy and can be myself.. Funny thing is...that's when folks seem to be drawn to me?
    God is Love and jmilly say Amen and like this.
  8. What about in other setting? Work? Church? Can you join some groups until you find one you like?
  9. I use to be really lonely. Then I prayed. Then I found mitspA. I'm not gay.
    jmilly likes this.
  10. Boy, I hope not!:eek:
  11. "Adam was naming all the animals and realized that all of them had companions (male and female) but none were suitable companions for him. This made Adam sad and lonely. Then God recognizing Adam’s loneliness put him to sleep, took his rib, and fashioned Eve".
  12. Two days later Adam got kicked out of paradise!
  13. LOLOLOLOLOLOLO)LO)OL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. You found him, you lost him, you found him again, you lost him again. Can't you keep up with him?
  15. But we only need the light when it's burning low
    Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
    Only know we love Mitspa when we let him go

    And we let him go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
    And we let him go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
  16. That's very nice are like a poet or something!
  17. That's better!:)
  18. can I be honest with, I can understand why you feel hurt over what this group of friends did to you, anyone would in the same situation.

    but I think some point, you have to try to let the whole thing, and stop analysing the whole situation.

    I used to be like this but

    Matthew 6 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own

    helped me a lot

    there is no point worry about tomorrow, or worry about the past, because you cant do anything about them.

    so for you to keep thinking to yourself, why is that male friend playing game with me, or why are they not so welcoming any more, is not going to change anything other torture yourself, so don't do it.

    unless of course you are brave to confront them about and see what they have to say, that might give you some closure, but it is not an easy option.

    all we have is today, so it would best for you concentrate on what you are doing today, and make plan for the future, but just implement the plan one day at a time.

    so I were you, I would probably think about signing up for a church fellowship where you think you could met like minded people, and stop worry about it and just hand the whole thing in prayer to God.
  19. You are right.
  20. Rejection is horrible and it does scar. We live with our pasts no matter how much we try ignore it. My advice is to embrace your past, add Jesus to it and live with who you are. We were all losers, sinners, up and down carnal beings before Christ. In Christ we have victory over all this. If you are still seeking acceptance by the world, you have not learnt Christ. The world is up and down like a yoyo. If you want to be accepted by them 'today', you need a couple ear rings and tattoos, lose weight unnaturally, get silicone breasts, a nose job and wear lots of make up. You will have many people around you if you do this. Alternatively you can identify carnality for what it is...stupidity and grasp that no carnal person can be a trusted / is worthy friend anyway. Focus yourself on God's work and you will make worthwhile friends. Go help out at a homeless shelter. Go help orphans and elderly. You will make a few good / life time friends there!

    If you don't mind, are you married?
    jmilly likes this.

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