This is a bit of a rant.. right before i got out of grad school, i had finally met a group in which i felt very welcomed. now that i've graduated and moved far away, i try to stay off facebook because when i log on, i see all those old friends spending lots of time together and having time and I feel depressed / jealous. When I went to visit, i felt like I was an irritant to them, like they were obligated to come see me, rather than wanting to. And if you read my other post, one of the friends of the group who at the time made me feel loved then (although not at first..but eventually) seemed the MOST annoyed at having to see me / acted the least interested in seeing me. And that ended on a terrible note. Now we're not friends at all. How do I get over these feelings of feeling left out, and the desperate need to belong, or hone in on their inside jokes? I feel lonely where I am because I moved to a city where I don't know anybody. So i guess i cling to the past. I feel embarrassed when my hair stylists asks me what I'm doing over the weekend and I always tell her the same thing, "nothing" I'm sure if i met a group of friends here, while it would occupy my time, I know i'd go straight to feeling like I wasn't a part of eveything and i was on the outside and maybe they were even talking about me. for all I know i'm "that" person in the group. There was a guy we knew in my grad school who was just a little eccentric and odd, and these people were too nice to say anything but they all acted like having to hang out with him was awkward. Sigh... I don't know. I know that this is wrong. I know i'm wrong to feel jealous. It's just wrong. Not what God intended. Doesn't he want people to feel happy? And I'm so used to being a "loner" and I am content about doing stuff by myself. I go out to eat alone, concerts alone, movies alone. And I'm secure enough to do that, but after awhile it just seems abnormal. Like I should be enjoying these things with other people, not by myself. And I often feel lonely. And sometimes it's scary because I don't even think about inviting people - I am just so used to it at this point. I also don't want to feel the sting of rejection when I do ask somebody and they say no. I suppose part of my feeling left out has to do with my past - I vividly remember one Halloween in 3rd grade, planning to go trick or treating with a group of my girl friends, when my BFF at the time said some of our male classmates would be joining us. I got a call a couple hours later, early in the day of Halloween, from one of the boys "Todd" saying he didn't want me to come with. I said ok, and hung up. Then my BFF called later saying Todd is saying he made me cry. I don't remember what happened. I guess I blocked the rest out of my memory, but it ruined the holiday for me. I also remember in gym class in high school we were playing whiffle ball, the gym teacher randomly selected 4 of us, me included, and asked the rest of the class to split up into those people's teams. I was worried, because I had become very shy by that point. But there was one girl in the class I was sure would come to my team, so that put me at ease. But guess what, even she joined everyone else and joined a different team. I remember feeling my cheeks feeling more and more warm, and I know I probably turned very red. I looked down at the floor and couldn't look at anybody. I felt so sad. I held in my tears but at the end of class I cried in the bathroom stall. Nobody came up to me to ask if I was ok, not even the one I considered to be a friend. I knew then, many many years ago, something very wrong has happened in my life to lead to this - and I couldn't believe i was the among those people who "nobody chooses in gym class" (literally!) I don't mean to try to present this like I'm some "victim" - just trying to think of a couple noteworthy examples of why I feel this way. Can any of you relate? And I know a part of this is because I set myself up to be excluded. I am so guarded and defensive sometimes. People think i'm not interested in participating or joining the group. I'd really like this to change. I pray about this, about making friends. anyway, sorry for rambling and ranting... just wondering if anybody has anything they can add.