Advice Needed, Wife's Not Working

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by herHusband, Aug 1, 2012.

  1. My wife and I have been married just over a year and in general our marriage is doing well. However, one thing is driving me absolutely nuts! Our goal is for her to be able to stay at home and take care of the kids, once we have kids, so her dream was to start her own home business selling a famous brand of cosmetics. I was in full support of her goals. So we saved diligently for six month, and then she quit her full-time job in February to start her business. It is August now, and I haven't seen a dime. Savings is almost depleted.

    Granted, we were both sick much of February and then we had to move across town to a new place, but still, she's had plenty of time to work on her business. She just doesn't seem to have a fire under her. She hates being pushed - I used to ask her how it was going but that irritates her, so I just try not to ask, even though I feel like this our "our business" and she should feel free to share with me.

    If we had kids, I'd be completely happy to help with housework, but as it is laundry doesn't get done until I'm out of underwear, and the house is usually slightly on the messy side. WHAT DOES SHE DO ALL DAY? She's typically asleep when I leave for work in the morning at 7:30, and most of the time she's still in her nightgown at lunchtime.

    She does make meals for me at lunch and dinner, does the shopping, is incredibly frugal with our funds, and helps keep track of our finances.

    I'd really love to be getting ahead in our finances - if she had worked one more year at her old job we could have gotten most of our debt, other than mortgage, paid off, and could live, albeit frugally, on my income.

    She gets upset when I try to bring any of this up. In her defence, I know she loves me dearly and is completely faithful.

    Advice please.
  2. Some people have a hard time motivating themselves to be disciplined in self-employment. I had a friend who quit a job because it required him to work independently and manage his own time, etc. He recognized that he really needed the structure and motivation provided by having a supervisor present. That may be the case with her. Also, I imagine that selling cosmetics profitably requires a great deal of drive and motivation.

    The two of you really need to sit down and have a talk about finances and work and household responsibilities. Maybe she needs to look at some other kind of home-based business. Maybe working on her own just isn't going to work for her at all and she needs to consider a part time job, or a full time job until children arrive. In any case, the realities of the budget are going to have to be discussed. If there isn't enough money coming in to cover expenses and the savings are nearly gone, there is going to be an ugly crisis soon and it's going to be painful for everybody. In other words, a time will come when talking about finances will be unavoidable and much more painful.

    Try to approach the subject in a practical way, focusing on the realities of the household finances and looking for a better solution rather than making this about her falling short. It may even be that the solution would be for you to work longer hours or a second job or something, but this would mean you have less time, energy, and emotion to spend at home, which is the tradeoff of such a solution. A frank, practical discussion would explore such possibilites and the ramifications of a given course of action.
    covered_by_grace likes this.
  3. Communication is really one important part of the relationship.

    How to communicate is the difficult part. I found the following useful:

    I think we are all salesman: we sell ideas:
    1. Good for you
    2. Good for both of you
    3. Good for her
    4. A combination of the above

    All are good products, but which one she will most likely easily buy?
    · Most likely “good for her” or a combination but still the “good for her” is usually there.

    Wife, I think you should work while we are waiting for you to be pregnant, to have kids:
    Activities is healthy for you, you will pressured to take shower every day, brush your teeth, make yourself look good: of course you will face people everyday….
    Sure, the extra money you will earn will be helpful for both of us: )

    Or if she chose to stay at home:
    Wife, I think you should wake up early morning: exercise is good for you to stay healthy and fit
    ….. it is good for me as well : )

    … and you cook food that I will bring to office (save on lunch) wash all or selected laundry (we can save on bills), turn on the Aircon only in the evening or morning (save electricity)…

    Also, usually, saying “we need to save” is not enough: we need to tell specific action plan to save on bills…

    I am not a marriage counselor or a relationship expert with experience…. am also new and learning …. just a suggestion : )

    God bless to all of us new couples here : )
  4. Also, I would add that lazing about till noon in jammies (regularly, we all do it on the odd ball day :)) and not showing interest in surroundings and/or self could indicate something else going on, like a depression or such. As long as that's not the issue, I agree with the previous two posters that tis time to a frank, practical talk in a non-accusatory way. Communication is so difficult!! I wish you luck in getting things straightened out together. :)
  5. Thanks for all the good advice :)

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