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Advice for a Worn Down Wife

Discussion in 'Marriage and Relationships' started by jillhydra, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. Hello - I apologize in advance that this is lengthy and I am spilling my thoughts out while my children and arguing over Legos in the background. I am a wife that chosen to stay in a marriage after five years of marital hardship. I really didn't want to build a family to go through a divorce and see my kids only certain days of the week (we have a 3 and 4 year old). I do care for my husband but I feel like he is a secretive stranger in our lives. We seem to greatly differ in the area of values. For example, I found out after we were committed to marriage and raising a small family that my husband was on court probation for an identity theft felony. I forgave him for not being upfront about it and helped him to pay the restitution in full. I worked a lot of hours in the early part of our marriage and was considered the breadwinner. I was pregnant with our oldest at the time and he had an affair during the pregnancy. He blamed me for the affair with an old girlfriend because I was moody throughout the pregnancy and not attending to his needs. Fast forward several years later and we are still dealing with different crisis situations in our marriage with the same theme around lack of trust, intimacy and communication (and we did seek marriage counseling for several months before the two times a week counseling bills hit us pretty hard). He now works as a plumber (only decent job he could get with benefits with his felony record) and makes a little over $700 every two weeks and I had to make the hard decision of becoming a work at home mother bringing in about $360 every two weeks. My husband used to stay at home during the day (worked a night job) and watch the kids while I made decent money so we could avoid daycare but he would drink while watching the kids, take painkillers, look at porn, hide money he earned from a start up side business (catering food) to pay for his personal needs. I left my career to attend to my children (one has a cluster of special education needs). I tried to teach at a learning center where my two kids attended for a few months to be in the same building as them but my oldest was injured by another child and had to have reconstructive elbow surgery. Since quitting that job, I work at home offering services to watch other children in my home so that I can keep my kids out of daycare. I feel like I have lost my working purpose or identity as well as my self-esteem in the aftermath of my son's daycare injury. I spend my time working from home babysitting (trying to do a start up business adding more clients), being a home maker, advocating/assisting with my oldest's special needs and trying to keep everything running as best as I know how. I know I don't have all the know-how's to be the best homemaker, wife, mother, babysitter, financial keeper, cook, etc. but I'm doing what feels to be the best decision for this season in my life. I struggle because I graduated from college with honors, am trustworthy, have good credit, a caring mother, organized, was a successful career woman and this is a very different place for me to be in and I feel at a loss for what to do. My husband is attractive, charismatic, fun, adventurous, friendly but is currently attending AA meetings off and on, hiding taking vicodine for fibromyalgia pain, hides money he makes doing side jobs at a bar/restaurant, lies chronically, is bull-headed/stubborn and deflects/blames me for his on-going issues. He has bad credit (two car repos, outstanding payday loans, overdrawn personal bank accounts to name a few) and does not know how to manage finances. He gets angry with me for establishing a budget and wanting to talk about incorporating a "spouse allowance" because he wants his own money to buy pain medicine without telling me, junk food/drinks to have at work and be able to eat out a few times a month. Since I run a tight household budget, sometimes we don't have the extra money in the budget to provide for these non-necessities (in my opinion) especially when he does not get overtime or they send him home from work early. Nevertheless, he says he doesn't need us to budget for his discretionary spending, feels he can't talk to me about his spending needs and blames me when I find out he's been hiding money to buy pain pills, junk food and or drinks. There's this whole cycle of how I try to get him to be transparent, open and honest with me about what he needs but at the same time be realistic with our family budget so I don't have to work outside the home and put the children in daycare. He tells me he thinks "we're over with our marriage anyway" so why should he have to communicate honestly with me - That I would just get angry anyway. I keep explaining that I have a hard time being intimate and meeting his sexual needs because he lies to me over and over again no matter how I try to help overcome his continual lies to work toward transparency/honesty. He wants the life of a single, independent man who wants to blow money however he wants to choose but yet he says he doesn't want to separate. I cannot change him and I pray all the time for God to help me work on myself as I cannot stop (control) his choices no matter what I do. I feel like I need a life coach or something in addition to the praying I do. Please offer any advice you may have as Satan is overwhelming me and literally whispers to me at night to be an independent woman and leave him.
  2. That's really difficult situation :( It seems that you are really strong woman. Do you have any Christian friends around you who could help you and encourage you (I know that it's hard to attend any meetings with small children)?
    I don't have any special advice but I will pray for you and your family.
    SparkleEyes likes this.
  3. It sure sounds like Satan is grinding you through the wringer.

    One thing that helps me (And I have to say that my own situation is not nearly what you are going through...)

    Look every single day for the blessings that God sends. Even the SMALLEST little blessings. Thank Him daily and even hourly as you see them.... When you find a good parking spot, when the traffic opens up in front of you, when the kids do great things, when you find the lost cap for the milk jug, when the mess cleans up fast, when your husband is a nice guy.... Praise God for it! These will help to encourage you that God is much closer to you than it feels like when you are being ground to dust. Say to God "I see what you did there. Thanks!"

    Next - and this is probably no consolation.... but I often find myself thinking about how we do the same things to God as others do to us.... It gives me a small glimpse of how much pain God experiences when we do the same things.... The pain of unfaithfulness, the pain of being criticized and grumbled at, the pain of being overlooked, the pain of being accused and blamed and belittled, the pain of others not caring about you, the frustration of having to make due when others seem to have plenty.... This sort of thing makes me step back and think - gosh, I do all this stuff to God and even to others... I grumble, am frustrated, unthankful, and impatient - I want to accuse and impugn and complain rather than to be thankful and have joy in what I have....

    and then I can step back and close my mouth and not say stupid things to my wife.... Not pour more gas on the fire... not intentionally say stupid things that will hurt her... It's not easy, and I am not real good at it - but I am trying....

    Hang in there!
    Cturtle likes this.
  4. I am so very grateful for the responses and suggestions so far! It is very helpful to get my jumbled thoughts written down that I have not been able to entirely communicate to friends or family. Most of my friends are a good 40 minutes plus from our home and one is moving away to N. Carolina this summer. I may need to look for local meetup Christian groups. I do keep a "Gratitude Attitude" visual board to help remind me of the little things to appreciate and be thankful for in the fog of all of this. At times, I am positively overwhelmed when even a single act of kindness if thrown my way - I feel that is when God ever so quietly whispers to me, a sinner, "My child, I am in your corner."
    Cturtle, Cinderella8 and Robine says Amen and like this.
  5. #5 sojourner4Christ, Jan 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2015
    I don't usually get involved with these kinds of posts because I have no lawful right to speak into the life of the wife of another man without his permission. Many women are in forums such as these simply because they can be. Their husbands don't know they're here, and there is no transparency or accountability. Also, men can play games with the emotional sets that the women bring to the thread. The end result is often worse than the beginning.

    Having said that, the Lord just put it on me to respond now. So in obedience to him, here goes.

    The spiritual warfare is raging. It's time to step into your ordained role.

    Two points:

    1) The fact that Satan is "overwhelming" you. So now the source of your angst has been clearly served up to you: you are frantically trying to do those things which God has not ordained you to do. You are literally suffering for the wrong things, and if you continue, it will eventually destroy you -- because when you act outside your God-ordained role, you are fair game - legally - for the enemy.

    2) Satan is onto the next step in his plan: "whispering" to you to be "independent" and "leave" your husband. The plan has been clearly served up to you: be "independent" (violate God's command to be a helpmeet and remain in submission); and "leave" him (violate God's command to remain as one flesh with your husband). Did God not say that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy?

    So the cat is out of the bag. And the enemy would now have you afraid as to render you distracted and impotent to the solution, i.e. a spiritual response from a Godly women to a spiritual issue.

    Do this now: Lay your burden down on the altar before the Lord -- all of it. Repent of mucking up the present family situation, even if you do not feel you are to blame. Praise the King that he has now shown you the score. Also praise him in advance for the strength he is about to give you in dealing properly, spiritual with spiritual, with the situation. This probably will sound terrifying and/or strange to you, but specifically, do anything and everything your husband tells you to do, even if his "commands" are contradictory (unless you cannot because it would clearly be a sin), OR unless God tells you otherwise. IOW, stay in submission to your erratic husband in everything as is your proper service. Then watch as the Lord works miracles with the situation. Yes, things might get worse before they get better. But trust the Lord that he will use your Godly behavior to "deal with" your husband. And indeed, he WILL deal with your husband!

    BTW, women will find true fulfillment through childbearing. God calls women to be faithful, helpful wives, raising children to love and worship God and managing the household wisely.

    You are ordained as the queen of your castle. Godly queens "dress for success" as per Ephesians chap. 6.

    This is no game; this is spiritual warfare. Satan is playing for keeps; so must you.

    Cturtle, Cinderella8 and Jahida says Amen and like this.
  6. Has your husband been unfaithful recently too? Did not meet his needs whilst you pregnant :rolleyes:? Went to an ex...

    It is no surprise things are not working out. Tell him you are not watching porn with him anymore! Tell him you are going to church and he must come with.

    Please tell me there was a time after the affair that he got saved and repented...and has now simply lost his way from that point. There would be something to work with if that's the case.
  7. Staff Note:
    The staff at CFS has closed this thread for any additional member comments. Due to the nature of the situation, the staff has provided private information to the original poster regarding professional resources in the member's home area. While we feel that CFS members can be very helpful in certain relationship topics, this particular situation needs intervention by a licensed and insured professional. Thank you.

    Where is the Messiah likes this.
  8. The original poster in this thread is now in receipt of local resource information by way of PM. We are carefully re-opening this thread for additional comments and assistance. Please think carefully about any advice that you may wish to post to see if it is appropriate to the situation. While we still feel that professional assistance is needed here, some members who may have gone through similar trials, may be able to assist further. Thank you.
    Cinderella8 likes this.
  9. OP - PLEASE PLEASE find good Christian friends. In my opinion, they can be male or female. Spend time with these people as often as you can. You need to surround yourself with Godly people to support and sustain you. These people will help you keep sane. They will help you adjust your perspective and understand that your husband is not a Godly man. A Godly man would NEVER treat a woman this way. Be as good example as you can for your kids and make sure they understand that NO man should treat you the way your husband treats you. (y)
    Relentless likes this.
  10. God has called us to live in peace. There is no scriptural mandate for anyone, male or female, to remain in an abusive situation. The health and safety of the abused and any children trumps legalistic bonds. If someone has already "divorced" their mate every way but legally, "the believer is not bound in such circumstances" (1 Cor. 7:15). No Christian should suffer at the hands of their mate, day after day, bearing all the burdens but none of the authority.

    OP, many believe that you are not allowed to leave this prison your husband has put you into, but Jesus loves you more than some people's opinions of what is divine legalism. For the sake of your children and your own value as one for whom Christ died, get to safety and get some rest and peace. Only after that can you be expected to handle the difficult decisions of whether to stay with an abusive husband.
  11. If she leaves, that "decision" is a foregone conclusion.
  12. He has already left her, in every way but physical. He made that decision a long time ago.

    And people do sometimes separate without divorcing, and it can be the very thing that gets the abuser's attention.
  13. That's opinion. We're not talking about him; we're talking about her, and her responsibility before the Lord -- not reactive to circumstances, but proactive before Christ.

    "Getting the abuser's attention" is not the priority; a right standing before Christ is.
  14. "Her responsibility before the Lord" is precisely the point of disagreement. She is not obligated to stay with an abusive husband, period. To think that being married means a woman must stay with someone she trusted most intimately in spite of his turning out to be her greatest threat, is to make Christian marriage the most risky and unwise choice a woman could ever make. The man bears responsibility for mistreating his wife, and by so doing he has already divorced her. The man must be held to account before God, and the woman must not be sacrificed on the altar of legalistic, cold-blooded "correctness".

    By "getting his attention" it means "tough love", is that better?

    I have no tolerance for those who would throw love and compassion out the window just to keep a Pharisaical interpretation of a phrase out of context. See http://www.instonebrewer.com/divorceremarriage/
    Lanolin likes this.
  15. Im agreeing with relentless on this one.
    I think separation is good, if he really wants her back, he will go after her.

    I dont like hearing that the only function for a woman is to bear children to be truly fufilled. Of course, a man would say that.

    Remember eve was CURSED to bear children and desiring a husband, God said she would have PAIN and SORROW.
    Jesus can turn that around to be a blessing. But he also cares for those sisters who do not or cant seem to have children. Biology is not everything. OP get yourself into a safe place with Jesus. Hes the man!
  16. :)
    You might be interested in some thoughts I have here: http://books.fether.net/index.php?theBook=NIC&theChap=2

    The curse is removed in Christ, absolutely, and so is division (Gal. 3:28).
  17. I suggest that you keep your faith, and stay strong. Jesus is with you, always. Trials in the life of a Christian make them stronger.
  18. Also pray more, a lot more.
    Cinderella8 likes this.
  19. There is no scripture to support your opinion.

    That's opinion sans scripture.

    More opinion sans scripture.

    Of course, but not relevant.

    “Better” for you, maybe, but again, not scriptural.

    Your “tolerance,” or lack thereof, is not relevant.

    So what does scripture have to say about this situation?

    If there’s fornication by the husband, then she can leave. If an unbelieving husband won’t live with her (a believer), then she can leave.


    And yep.

    Sounds good, but that's all self-will, naturally opposed to God' will. It’s not the Godly thing to do.

    "only function"? Me, either. Who said that?

    No, the bearing of children is not a curse. The curse was that her conception was multiplied and there would be pain.
    Cinderella8 and Juk say Amen and like this.
  20. Not bad. A double yep.

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