Sometimes I think that what I am doing is useless, that God is either not there, doesn't like me, or is not God described in the Bible. Then I consider leaving Christianity. That is a scary thought, though. A life without Jesus, to me, is worthless, not matter how much "good" someone does. It feels gray to me. I believe that if I were to fall away and reject God, I would kill myself. It would feel like I am disappointing someone, and not any earthly human. When I think about my past life, full of video games and YouTube, I get scared. That life was so vain, and even though the nostalgia is enormous, I could not possibly go back. But it feels like I am doing all that I am doing (reading the Bible and praying) for nothing.