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- Jun 5, 2011 at 3:58 AM
- May 28, 2011
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- June 20
- Alberta, Canada
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New Member, Female, from Alberta, Canada
- shannylynn was last seen:
- Jun 5, 2011
- June 20
- Alberta, Canada
Well, here I am. I haven't part of a forum for many years. I use to be involved in many a few years back, but life took a different turn and lost contact with the ones I was involved with before.
Small introduction of myself... I have gone to church all my life. My parents weren't Christians the first few years, but my grandma always took my sisters and I to church. Then, when I was 6, my mom and dad gave their lives to God and their lives changed dramatically! Watching the change in them and in my family, I decided to give my heart to Jesus when I was 9.
My childhood, I was very on fire for God. Whenever there was some sort of church function, my family and I were there to participate. The only friends I had were Christians and I lived in a little bubble of safety for a number of years. The main tragic thing that happened while growing up was that my dad passed away when I was 12. But, I knew he was with Jesus and I coped quite well.
When I graduated from High School, I went off to Bible College. The first year and a half there were the best years of my life. Being with like minded Christians and being able to do ministry to others was amazing.
Then, in my 2nd semester of my 2nd year there, I met my future husband. We were penpals at first and then met and got engaged. Many people warned me not to jump into anything, but I didn't listened. I felt (without using my head) that this was from God. I closed my eyes and ears to so many warning signs that he wasn't the man God had in store for me.
We did marry. He ended up being verbally and emotional abusive to me. Any self-esteem I did have all crumbled away. He was controlling and manipulative. I also moved away with him to where he was from and was away from my loving family for the first time. I was all alone with him. I did make a few friends where I was, but always felt like I needed to lie to them about the type of relationship I was in, because I was ashamed of things he did, plus ashamed of myself for letting him do these things.
We were married for 12 years. During those years, my faith in God really wavered. I lost the spark for God and didn't understand why I was going through what I was going through. I ended up having an affair with someone. And then I felt so dirty and sinful.
A little while after that, I started to get into the forum life. I met some amazing friends during that time. I started my own forum on Christian graphics and the people who joined there also were having a lot of doubts about God and their faiths were being tested. Together as a community, we bonded and became really good friends. I started the forum with a friend I met online through another forum. We became best friends.
A few months later, with my best friend and others there, I had the courage to leave my husband.
I wish the story could end there, because that is a good place, but it didn't. The best friend I met there online was another man and we ended up falling in love. He moved here to be with me and lived together for 4 years. We both started out as Christians and then he started to question his faith in God and became a Pagan. I wasn't strong enough in my self-esteem or relationship with God at the time, and went along with him. I never gave up believing in God, really, but classified myself as a Christian-Pagan.
He was from England and was really missing his family and so decided to move back. I was to go and follow him once I got my visa and passport. We were away from each other for a year. During that time, I still struggled with what I believed and became Agnostic. While, he turned his back completely on God and became an Atheist. I went to England to visit him at Christmas this past year and things had changed so much between the 2 of us. We never really talked about it. I thought it was just that we needed to get back into the rhythm of being together. We got engaged, even.
Then, last month, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. And was so lost. I didn't have him anymore. I put so much of myself into him and then he was gone.
Through it, it really has made me realize that God never left me. I was suppose to go to England in a month before he broke it off, and I believe it was more God's hand than anything else. I was about to leave my loving family once again and go even further with a man who has totally left God out of the picture.
I know God protected me from making a even huger mistake. He let me go as far as he wanted and then drew me back when I was about to go to the land of no return.
I am now trying to pick up the pieces of my life and get a relationship with God once again. I am back going to church regularly. Praying. It is still really hard. I don't really have any Christian friends and I feel lonely. But, I know that with God's help, I will making it.
Well, I guess that is my story, basically. If you got to this line, Wow! you read the whole thing lol Hope to meet some wonderful Christian friends while I'm here.