Marriage crisis!Please help!!

walkwithjesus08 · 10-08-2007, 07:13 PM

Please bear with me, this may be long, but I must give you the proper details. I met my "first love" when I was 15 and it was a long romance lasting until I was almost 19. I was head over heels with him and we shared so many wonderful things including being saved on the same day as well as baptized. We sang duets in church and seeing as how I had never been exposed to the Lord or involved in church until I met him I thought we were destined to be together. Eventually, we began backsliding and after a 4 month engagement sin ultimately lead to our relationship's demise. He began dating and so did I, but we never stopped talking or seeing each other completely until he got married to his new girlfriend due to unplanned pregnancy. This totally crushed me, but I knew with the circumstances as they were I had no choice but to move on. I was a month shy of my 20th birthday when I met my husband and was instantly smitten with him. He was a very genuine, honest man and best of all a devout Christian who got me back in church. Though thoughts of my ex would arise often I brushed them off and eventually married my husband when I was 21 years old. Our marriage slowly began to crumble. Our communication began lacking as well as intimacy and I continued to think of my ex even after some years passed. I knew that the Devil was the cause of this distraction so I tried to follow the Lord and put my all in my marriage especially since by this time I had 2 children involved. My husband became very distant and harsh towards me. I tried all I could to get him to open up, but he refused to even try and resolve the relationship. I was so lonely and lacking so much that a wife should receive in a marriage according to God's word. Last year me and my husband began discussing seperation and divorce. We seperated for a short time. I ran into my ex fiance during this time and we began what at first was "friendly" catching up. He was now divorced and we discussed problems we both struggled with. The Devil took hold and I ended up having a one night affair with him. Even though I was seperated from my husband at the time I knew that the Lord was ashamed of me and my ex felt the same. Me and my ex stopped talking completely due to this. I felt that I needed to try and repair my relationship with my husband and tell him what I did. I came clean about the affair and he forgave me. I don't think I have ever forgiven myself though. Me and my husband resumed our marriage, but the same problems we once had are still here. We have made it through 8 years of marriage, but I fear we may not have many more. I have prayed about my marriage and prayed that the Lord will take the feelings I have for my ex away so that I can give 100% to my marriage. I know that me having feelings for a man other than my husband is not pleasing to the Lord, but I don't know what to do. My ex began contacting me again through e-mail several months ago and last night professed that he is still in love with me after all of these years. He says that he does not think that the love we shared will ever go away. I am so confused, but my main goal is to please the Lord and walk with him. Please help. I know that I will not let myself commit "physical" adultrey with my ex again, but I know I am committing it in my heart and mind for thinking of him. I feel so guilty asking for forgiveness from the Lord for something that I keep doing. Please help and pray for me and my family. I really do want to be the best Christian I can.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Boanerges · 10-08-2007, 07:39 PM

First of all Jesus can and will forgive you.

Second of all you must forgive yourself or the guilt and condemantion will seperate you from fellowship with the Lord.

Third of all- your communication with this ex has to stop if you are sincere about saving your marraige.

Fourth- You and you husband need to go to counseling togeather- preferably with a local Spirit filled Pastor.

You are at a crossroads walkwithjesus08, I pray you make the right choices. I will be praying for all involved- your brother Larry

walkwithjesus08 · 10-08-2007, 08:21 PM

I thank you for your encouragement and your prayers.

smellycat · 10-08-2007, 08:32 PM

you know that evil is trying to tear you in 2,and get you to forsake your faith.first of all forget your ex completely.talk to your husband honestly and openly.it is very easy to be swayed by an ex .be strong sort out your marriage,if you are unhappy in your marriage ,then talk about it.i hope God takes care of you and simplifies your situation.as jesus says take 1 day at a time.

Rumely · 10-09-2007, 01:56 AM

The best practical advice I can offer is to first reiterate what others have said. You need to cut off all contact with your ex, he will only hinder your efforts at a healthy marriage.

Second, check out the site marriagebuilders.com. Willard F. (Bill) Harley has the most practical, sensible approach to marriage problems that I've ever run across. He has a number of books, which should be referenced on the site, which will be helpful as well. His approach cuts through a lot of mumbo jumbo and gets to the heart of the issues at hand.

Please keep us updated. We want to pray for you and support you in any way we can.

walkwithjesus08 · 10-09-2007, 03:24 AM

Thank you so much for the great advice and information. I will keep you updated. It is easy to be disillusioned by the temptations of the world and that is why it is great to have good stern advice from Christian friends to help you seek the truth.

walkwithjesus08 · 10-09-2007, 02:31 PM

I have read the post that I wrote over and over and from the outside looking in I feel that I appear so selfish in my desires. I wake up today and feel so guilty for feeling this way even though I have asked for forgiveness and know in my heart that the Lord has granted that to me. I am determined not to have any communication with my ex again. I know that Satan is blinding me with his tricks and amplifying the problems in my marriage so that I am seeking to feel the void elsewhere. Satan is trying to destroy the Christian marriages today and I refuse to let him destroy mine. I know that me and my husband have a lot to resolve to rekindle lost elements of our marriage, but through Christ who joined us in this marriage we can do it. I fully believe that with all my heart. I agree with Bro Larry that I am at a crossroads. Sin will take you further than you want to go and make you pay a higher price than you are willing to pay. I must remain strong in the Lord to get through this. I thank all of you who have replied with words of encouragement and again I will keep you updated.

Boanerges · 10-09-2007, 02:57 PM

We will be praying for you!

Charlie68 · 10-09-2007, 04:20 PM

walkwithjesus08,
Wow....reading this stirs my soul. This is nearly exactly what I am going through with my wife at the moment. I am afraid God has given her over to her seared/dulled conscience though. She pushed separation 2 1/2 months ago to get her ex to stop avoiding her, and he did. They are still in an adulterous relationship and it doesn't seem to bother either of them.
My advice: Stay close to the Lord and listen to the conscience He has given you. If you ignore it, it will become dulled and seared over and eventually the Lord will give you over to your sin. I have told my wife that I have forgiven her and that I want her to come back to me so we can be a family with our kids again. She is now about to leave the house and look for an apartment since the place I have been staying is about to sell. Please, you must also forgive yourself and ask the Lord for forgiveness to get past this. I will earnestly pray for you and your husband as I can't bear to see this happen to another family.
A good resource about the conscience is at: http://www.intouch.org
Dr. Stanley's last 3 or 4 sermons have been about this topic. Just go to the broadcast link and check out his sermons for October.
PM me if you like more info.

May God bless you and your family,
Charlie

walkwithjesus08 · 10-09-2007, 05:54 PM

Charlie,

I am so sorry that you are going through that with your wife. I pray for your family as well and appreciate the prayers lifted up for mine. It is hard to believe that my marriage has reached this point. I was always so devoted to my marriage and when women would discuss subjects of this nature I was the one who said, "I would never do that." I find myself being careful now when I say, " I would never...." because I know that the Devil feeds off of that and uses his evil to drive people into their ultimate sins. Me and my husband had been having problems for years before I ever considered leaving, etc. I know how important marriage is to the Lord and I was determined to honor that bond. I let my guard down by giving up on my marriage from years of mental and emotional exhaust and that is what lead me to the affair. Loneliness can let the Devil slip right in, if we are not careful and that is what has ultimately occurred with me I think. I know I can get my "good sense" back if I stay close to the Lord. Thank goodness for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ though. Without him I would fall apart. I sincerely hope that your wife realizes how important marriage is to the Lord. She is taking her fate out of Gods hands and into her own which is a very dangerous place to be.

10-08-2007, 07:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
walkwithjesus08 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	Marriage crisis!Please help!! Please bear with me, this may be long, but I must give you the proper details. I met my "first love" when I was 15 and it was a long romance lasting until I was almost 19. I was head over heels with him and we shared so many wonderful things including being saved on the same day as well as baptized. We sang duets in church and seeing as how I had never been exposed to the Lord or involved in church until I met him I thought we were destined to be together. Eventually, we began backsliding and after a 4 month engagement sin ultimately lead to our relationship's demise. He began dating and so did I, but we never stopped talking or seeing each other completely until he got married to his new girlfriend due to unplanned pregnancy. This totally crushed me, but I knew with the circumstances as they were I had no choice but to move on. I was a month shy of my 20th birthday when I met my husband and was instantly smitten with him. He was a very genuine, honest man and best of all a devout Christian who got me back in church. Though thoughts of my ex would arise often I brushed them off and eventually married my husband when I was 21 years old. Our marriage slowly began to crumble. Our communication began lacking as well as intimacy and I continued to think of my ex even after some years passed. I knew that the Devil was the cause of this distraction so I tried to follow the Lord and put my all in my marriage especially since by this time I had 2 children involved. My husband became very distant and harsh towards me. I tried all I could to get him to open up, but he refused to even try and resolve the relationship. I was so lonely and lacking so much that a wife should receive in a marriage according to God's word. Last year me and my husband began discussing seperation and divorce. We seperated for a short time. I ran into my ex fiance during this time and we began what at first was "friendly" catching up. He was now divorced and we discussed problems we both struggled with. The Devil took hold and I ended up having a one night affair with him. Even though I was seperated from my husband at the time I knew that the Lord was ashamed of me and my ex felt the same. Me and my ex stopped talking completely due to this. I felt that I needed to try and repair my relationship with my husband and tell him what I did. I came clean about the affair and he forgave me. I don't think I have ever forgiven myself though. Me and my husband resumed our marriage, but the same problems we once had are still here. We have made it through 8 years of marriage, but I fear we may not have many more. I have prayed about my marriage and prayed that the Lord will take the feelings I have for my ex away so that I can give 100% to my marriage. I know that me having feelings for a man other than my husband is not pleasing to the Lord, but I don't know what to do. My ex began contacting me again through e-mail several months ago and last night professed that he is still in love with me after all of these years. He says that he does not think that the love we shared will ever go away. I am so confused, but my main goal is to please the Lord and walk with him. Please help. I know that I will not let myself commit "physical" adultrey with my ex again, but I know I am committing it in my heart and mind for thinking of him. I feel so guilty asking for forgiveness from the Lord for something that I keep doing. Please help and pray for me and my family. I really do want to be the best Christian I can. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

10-09-2007, 01:56 AM	#5 (permalink)
Rumely Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Lakeville, Minnesnowta Posts: 348 Blog Entries: 1 Rep Power: 1	The best practical advice I can offer is to first reiterate what others have said. You need to cut off all contact with your ex, he will only hinder your efforts at a healthy marriage. Second, check out the site marriagebuilders.com. Willard F. (Bill) Harley has the most practical, sensible approach to marriage problems that I've ever run across. He has a number of books, which should be referenced on the site, which will be helpful as well. His approach cuts through a lot of mumbo jumbo and gets to the heart of the issues at hand. Please keep us updated. We want to pray for you and support you in any way we can. Last edited by Rumely; 10-09-2007 at 01:57 AM. Reason: typo

10-09-2007, 02:31 PM	#7 (permalink)
walkwithjesus08 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	At the crossroads I have read the post that I wrote over and over and from the outside looking in I feel that I appear so selfish in my desires. I wake up today and feel so guilty for feeling this way even though I have asked for forgiveness and know in my heart that the Lord has granted that to me. I am determined not to have any communication with my ex again. I know that Satan is blinding me with his tricks and amplifying the problems in my marriage so that I am seeking to feel the void elsewhere. Satan is trying to destroy the Christian marriages today and I refuse to let him destroy mine. I know that me and my husband have a lot to resolve to rekindle lost elements of our marriage, but through Christ who joined us in this marriage we can do it. I fully believe that with all my heart. I agree with Bro Larry that I am at a crossroads. Sin will take you further than you want to go and make you pay a higher price than you are willing to pay. I must remain strong in the Lord to get through this. I thank all of you who have replied with words of encouragement and again I will keep you updated.

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10-08-2007, 07:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
Boanerges Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: St Rose LA Posts: 16,835 Blog Entries: 3 Rep Power: 18	First of all Jesus can and will forgive you. Second of all you must forgive yourself or the guilt and condemantion will seperate you from fellowship with the Lord. Third of all- your communication with this ex has to stop if you are sincere about saving your marraige. Fourth- You and you husband need to go to counseling togeather- preferably with a local Spirit filled Pastor. You are at a crossroads walkwithjesus08, I pray you make the right choices. I will be praying for all involved- your brother Larry

10-08-2007, 08:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
walkwithjesus08 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	I thank you for your encouragement and your prayers.

10-08-2007, 08:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
smellycat Senior Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: uk Posts: 5,573 Rep Power: 7	you know that evil is trying to tear you in 2,and get you to forsake your faith.first of all forget your ex completely.talk to your husband honestly and openly.it is very easy to be swayed by an ex .be strong sort out your marriage,if you are unhappy in your marriage ,then talk about it.i hope God takes care of you and simplifies your situation.as jesus says take 1 day at a time.

10-09-2007, 03:24 AM	#6 (permalink)
walkwithjesus08 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	Thank you so much for the great advice and information. I will keep you updated. It is easy to be disillusioned by the temptations of the world and that is why it is great to have good stern advice from Christian friends to help you seek the truth.

10-09-2007, 02:57 PM	#8 (permalink)
Boanerges Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: St Rose LA Posts: 16,835 Blog Entries: 3 Rep Power: 18	We will be praying for you!

10-09-2007, 04:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
Charlie68 Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Stephenville, Texas Posts: 104 Rep Power: 1	walkwithjesus08, Wow....reading this stirs my soul. This is nearly exactly what I am going through with my wife at the moment. I am afraid God has given her over to her seared/dulled conscience though. She pushed separation 2 1/2 months ago to get her ex to stop avoiding her, and he did. They are still in an adulterous relationship and it doesn't seem to bother either of them. My advice: Stay close to the Lord and listen to the conscience He has given you. If you ignore it, it will become dulled and seared over and eventually the Lord will give you over to your sin. I have told my wife that I have forgiven her and that I want her to come back to me so we can be a family with our kids again. She is now about to leave the house and look for an apartment since the place I have been staying is about to sell. Please, you must also forgive yourself and ask the Lord for forgiveness to get past this. I will earnestly pray for you and your husband as I can't bear to see this happen to another family. A good resource about the conscience is at: http://www.intouch.org Dr. Stanley's last 3 or 4 sermons have been about this topic. Just go to the broadcast link and check out his sermons for October. PM me if you like more info. May God bless you and your family, Charlie

10-09-2007, 05:54 PM	#10 (permalink)
walkwithjesus08 Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 11 Rep Power: 0	Charlie, I am so sorry that you are going through that with your wife. I pray for your family as well and appreciate the prayers lifted up for mine. It is hard to believe that my marriage has reached this point. I was always so devoted to my marriage and when women would discuss subjects of this nature I was the one who said, "I would never do that." I find myself being careful now when I say, " I would never...." because I know that the Devil feeds off of that and uses his evil to drive people into their ultimate sins. Me and my husband had been having problems for years before I ever considered leaving, etc. I know how important marriage is to the Lord and I was determined to honor that bond. I let my guard down by giving up on my marriage from years of mental and emotional exhaust and that is what lead me to the affair. Loneliness can let the Devil slip right in, if we are not careful and that is what has ultimately occurred with me I think. I know I can get my "good sense" back if I stay close to the Lord. Thank goodness for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ though. Without him I would fall apart. I sincerely hope that your wife realizes how important marriage is to the Lord. She is taking her fate out of Gods hands and into her own which is a very dangerous place to be.