Trust issue, what should I do? - Page 3

Faithwoman · 03-29-2008, 10:16 PM

Malissa,
Hi there! I can relate very much to what you are going through. I am currently dating a Christian .. been 20 months now.. Early on in the relationship he shared with me that his weakness was porn. When he was not in a relationship, this was a “safe” way for his sexual release. He also shared that when he was not in a relationship that he had a “casual friend” that was just a physical relationship. He wanted me to know that because she was very persistent and she may call and he did not want to hide anything from me.

After 1 week of dating he gave me my own garage door opener to his home. All in his home was mine. He wanted to share in regards to the porn in case I may have stumbled upon something. Well he was pretty honest in the beginning. But , I like you had many hurts and pains from the past , which then made me fall prey to being the Top Snoop Queen.. was it something I was proud of ? NO! but hey man I was going to protect myself from getting hurt again! You see in all my relationships all I wanted was for a man to love me.. yes there was sex involved in these relationships. I had to learn there was one man that loved me .. and that was the Lord.. He is my Mr. Right.

At the beginning of the year, my Pastor told me instead of making a New Years resolution to find a New Years Verse. I chose Proverbs 3: 5-6.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding
Acknowledge him in all ways
He shall make your paths straight!

Wow now how awesome is that! Shortly into the New Year, I was led to sexual purity. Yes at the age of 46.. Now sexual purity is so much more than just not having sex. It includes so much from everything we think of to all we look at. It is easy? NO.. but worth it? Yes.. So then I found myself in this relationship with a 50 year old Batchelor, whom I had been intimate with but now after prayer on both parts, declared this.
You see we pray to the Lord to show us our paths as individuals, and as a couple, but then kind of say. oh by the way Lord.. can you ignore that heated passionate Sat nite? Get the picture?

The bottom line ( I am not good at keeping things short!) is that with declaring my sexual purity, it led my heart and eyes to why I did not trust men in my life including the man I am with. The Lord finally helped me examine my own heart as to why I was the way I was. I was to quick to want to always find fault and weaknesses in others, but did not want to look at my own. We are not to judge! only the Lord can judge. What a lesson for me!

Ok.. so in December , my gentleman friend had a conviction from the Lord to throw out his porn tapes.. and yes I know exactly how you felt as a woman as I am sure many woman do when their man is looking at porn. It makes us feel unworthy and not beautiful. I had to learn to love myself and recognize that I am beautiful in the Lord’s eyes. God is a perfectionist. He does not create mistakes. He created me and he created you.

Ok go to Part 2 as I am afraid of running out of room.
Faithwoman

Faithwoman · 03-29-2008, 10:48 PM

Part 2

The whole porn thing would drive me crazy. Yes as many of the men have shared here it is because of how men are wired and such. However with all of that said, I just recently heard an awesome last 10 minutes of a message by Chip Ingram in regards to Second rate sex. He is a powerful speaker. He talked about the struggles men and women have in regards to sex and such. He talked about how affairs happen. They start with casual things and most of the time it is with someone that the person knows. He also talked about porn. I have heard and read much in regards to this. The more a person dabbles in it, the more they will be tempted to act things out. Porn is not a good thing. I know many sex therapists may argue the fact. For me it all boils down to what are my values and morals in regards to this situation and for the person I am with.

Why should any of us man or woman settle for Second Rate sex in our life? Does the Lord not want us to have the best?

I believe when one is struggling with an issue and there is open communication between the two there needs to be accountability. First and foremost we are accountable to the Lord. He knows all our hidden sins whether they be porn, untrust or many other things.

Would life not be much easier, if we took the time to have accountability?

Trust- I have always heard that one must earn our trust. This is an awesome statement and a so very true one. We however, have to have our trust in the Lord. We also earn our Trust from the Lord. As we acknowledge his Word and his laws, man he sure blesses us abundantly as I have recently found.

I have done a lot of rambling. I hope some of it has helped you. If you ever want to PM me feel free. It is a day to day walk I am on with the Lord. He is my Mr. Right!
Have a super week-end! Oh one last thing.. my therapist tells me there needs to be 3 things in a healthy relationship:

1. Does he continue to do the little things for you? Do you continue to do the little things for him?
2. Is there open communication
3. How well can the two of you resolve and come to resolution on any issues and problems in your life?

This issue may just be a great way to find out how well the two of you communicate and come to a healthy resolution!
God Bless!

Faithwoman

Faithwoman · 03-29-2008, 11:09 PM

One last thing I thought of

We all whether men or women, must learn to love ourselves and learn how the Lord loves us, before we can love others.

However with all that said, I want to plea to all of you, who have young daughters please let them know how much you love them, let them know how much the Lord loves them. Help them seek their inner beauty. Help protect them and guide them, so that one day they will not end up being in unhealthy relationships or one of the women that men turn to view on a porn site. I often think of that for both men and women, how sad it is that anyone would have to get to that level for attention. I shared that with my boyfriend that how sad women have to get to that point.. I was not happy with his answer. he said well maybe some of them just love sex.
Well sure I do to.. but I value myself so much more to have to flaunt it on the internet for all to view. I mean really , is that what the Lord wants? no.. two will become one... not two will be multiplied into many things. just my thought.

Be open with them at a young age (both boys and girls) in regards to sexuality. I have a 15 year old daughter that I have shared everything with in regards to where my life had been and where it is now..

Remember .. we are setting examples for them.. I can remember before I had some of my conversations with her. I got a text message that said.. How are you and your lover doing? OUCH!!!!!!!!

In the last 2 months my daughter and I have had awesome talks and open communication. She told me what a wicked world it is. She is in 10th grade and she talks about a girl that has already slept with 3 guys. It is a sad , sad dark world we live in. Us believers, need to keep sharing God's word and God's love.

Oh and guys.. it helps when we are told how nice we look, how you appreciate the things we do.. and yes women.. be sure to tell your man how nice he looks and how you appreciate the things he does for you.

Most importantly, be sure to tell the Lord how awesome he is each and every day.. no matter the circumstances going on in your life, give praise!

Faithwoman

Boanerges · 03-29-2008, 11:30 PM

When Paul and Silas worshiped God the chains began to fall- Carman"

Faithwoman · 03-30-2008, 10:33 AM

Man, you say it all in so simple words... Thanks!
Me it takes paragraphs to get my feelings out..

Have a great one!
Faithwoman

Boanerges · 03-30-2008, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Faithwoman

Man, you say it all in so simple words... Thanks!
Me it takes paragraphs to get my feelings out..

Have a great one!
Faithwoman

But you are so expressive- it is a wonderful thing!

slavetoChrist · 03-30-2008, 03:34 PM

how little men and women understand each other.

Faithwoman · 03-30-2008, 06:03 PM

Quote:

how little men and women understand each other.

You are very right there.. will we ever totally understand each other.. nope probably not..

But I know for me in any relationship that I am in , there has at least got to be two way line of communication, openess and willingness to talk.. we may not agree, the two may not agree, but at least the two are willing to try..

most importantly the one we really need to understand is the Lord.

Faithwoman

slavetoChrist · 03-31-2008, 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Faithwoman

You are very right there.. will we ever totally understand each other.. nope probably not..

But I know for me in any relationship that I am in , there has at least got to be two way line of communication, openess and willingness to talk.. we may not agree, the two may not agree, but at least the two are willing to try..

most importantly the one we really need to understand is the Lord.

Faithwoman

I agree.

but there also has to be a willingness on both parts to CHANGE and WORK together.

Faithwoman · 03-31-2008, 09:45 PM

Quote:

but there also has to be a willingness on both parts to CHANGE and WORK together.

Now that is a great statement. Now remember we cannot change another person, I have learned that the hard way! .. however , I believe a person can change.. heck did we all not change when we accepted Jesus as our saviour.

The slight difficulty I am having in my current relationship is that I believe there are some things that he could work on and change and draw closer to the Lord.. but I just don't see that happening.. it frustrates me to no end.

and yes work change and work together.. amen to that one brother!

Faithwoman

03-29-2008, 10:16 PM	#21 (permalink)
Faithwoman Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: New York Posts: 317 Rep Power: 1	Relating Part 1 Malissa, Hi there! I can relate very much to what you are going through. I am currently dating a Christian .. been 20 months now.. Early on in the relationship he shared with me that his weakness was porn. When he was not in a relationship, this was a “safe” way for his sexual release. He also shared that when he was not in a relationship that he had a “casual friend” that was just a physical relationship. He wanted me to know that because she was very persistent and she may call and he did not want to hide anything from me. After 1 week of dating he gave me my own garage door opener to his home. All in his home was mine. He wanted to share in regards to the porn in case I may have stumbled upon something. Well he was pretty honest in the beginning. But , I like you had many hurts and pains from the past , which then made me fall prey to being the Top Snoop Queen.. was it something I was proud of ? NO! but hey man I was going to protect myself from getting hurt again! You see in all my relationships all I wanted was for a man to love me.. yes there was sex involved in these relationships. I had to learn there was one man that loved me .. and that was the Lord.. He is my Mr. Right. At the beginning of the year, my Pastor told me instead of making a New Years resolution to find a New Years Verse. I chose Proverbs 3: 5-6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart Lean not on your own understanding Acknowledge him in all ways He shall make your paths straight! Wow now how awesome is that! Shortly into the New Year, I was led to sexual purity. Yes at the age of 46.. Now sexual purity is so much more than just not having sex. It includes so much from everything we think of to all we look at. It is easy? NO.. but worth it? Yes.. So then I found myself in this relationship with a 50 year old Batchelor, whom I had been intimate with but now after prayer on both parts, declared this. You see we pray to the Lord to show us our paths as individuals, and as a couple, but then kind of say. oh by the way Lord.. can you ignore that heated passionate Sat nite? Get the picture? The bottom line ( I am not good at keeping things short!) is that with declaring my sexual purity, it led my heart and eyes to why I did not trust men in my life including the man I am with. The Lord finally helped me examine my own heart as to why I was the way I was. I was to quick to want to always find fault and weaknesses in others, but did not want to look at my own. We are not to judge! only the Lord can judge. What a lesson for me! Ok.. so in December , my gentleman friend had a conviction from the Lord to throw out his porn tapes.. and yes I know exactly how you felt as a woman as I am sure many woman do when their man is looking at porn. It makes us feel unworthy and not beautiful. I had to learn to love myself and recognize that I am beautiful in the Lord’s eyes. God is a perfectionist. He does not create mistakes. He created me and he created you. Ok go to Part 2 as I am afraid of running out of room. Faithwoman

03-29-2008, 10:48 PM	#22 (permalink)
Faithwoman Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: New York Posts: 317 Rep Power: 1	Relating Part 2 Part 2 The whole porn thing would drive me crazy. Yes as many of the men have shared here it is because of how men are wired and such. However with all of that said, I just recently heard an awesome last 10 minutes of a message by Chip Ingram in regards to Second rate sex. He is a powerful speaker. He talked about the struggles men and women have in regards to sex and such. He talked about how affairs happen. They start with casual things and most of the time it is with someone that the person knows. He also talked about porn. I have heard and read much in regards to this. The more a person dabbles in it, the more they will be tempted to act things out. Porn is not a good thing. I know many sex therapists may argue the fact. For me it all boils down to what are my values and morals in regards to this situation and for the person I am with. Why should any of us man or woman settle for Second Rate sex in our life? Does the Lord not want us to have the best? I believe when one is struggling with an issue and there is open communication between the two there needs to be accountability. First and foremost we are accountable to the Lord. He knows all our hidden sins whether they be porn, untrust or many other things. Would life not be much easier, if we took the time to have accountability? Trust- I have always heard that one must earn our trust. This is an awesome statement and a so very true one. We however, have to have our trust in the Lord. We also earn our Trust from the Lord. As we acknowledge his Word and his laws, man he sure blesses us abundantly as I have recently found. I have done a lot of rambling. I hope some of it has helped you. If you ever want to PM me feel free. It is a day to day walk I am on with the Lord. He is my Mr. Right! Have a super week-end! Oh one last thing.. my therapist tells me there needs to be 3 things in a healthy relationship: 1. Does he continue to do the little things for you? Do you continue to do the little things for him? 2. Is there open communication 3. How well can the two of you resolve and come to resolution on any issues and problems in your life? This issue may just be a great way to find out how well the two of you communicate and come to a healthy resolution! God Bless! Faithwoman

03-29-2008, 11:09 PM	#23 (permalink)
Faithwoman Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: New York Posts: 317 Rep Power: 1	Adding one more thing One last thing I thought of We all whether men or women, must learn to love ourselves and learn how the Lord loves us, before we can love others. However with all that said, I want to plea to all of you, who have young daughters please let them know how much you love them, let them know how much the Lord loves them. Help them seek their inner beauty. Help protect them and guide them, so that one day they will not end up being in unhealthy relationships or one of the women that men turn to view on a porn site. I often think of that for both men and women, how sad it is that anyone would have to get to that level for attention. I shared that with my boyfriend that how sad women have to get to that point.. I was not happy with his answer. he said well maybe some of them just love sex. Well sure I do to.. but I value myself so much more to have to flaunt it on the internet for all to view. I mean really , is that what the Lord wants? no.. two will become one... not two will be multiplied into many things. just my thought. Be open with them at a young age (both boys and girls) in regards to sexuality. I have a 15 year old daughter that I have shared everything with in regards to where my life had been and where it is now.. Remember .. we are setting examples for them.. I can remember before I had some of my conversations with her. I got a text message that said.. How are you and your lover doing? OUCH!!!!!!!! In the last 2 months my daughter and I have had awesome talks and open communication. She told me what a wicked world it is. She is in 10th grade and she talks about a girl that has already slept with 3 guys. It is a sad , sad dark world we live in. Us believers, need to keep sharing God's word and God's love. Oh and guys.. it helps when we are told how nice we look, how you appreciate the things we do.. and yes women.. be sure to tell your man how nice he looks and how you appreciate the things he does for you. Most importantly, be sure to tell the Lord how awesome he is each and every day.. no matter the circumstances going on in your life, give praise! Faithwoman

03-29-2008, 11:30 PM	#24 (permalink)
Boanerges Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: St Rose LA Posts: 14,651 Blog Entries: 3 Rep Power: 16	When Paul and Silas worshiped God the chains began to fall- Carman" __________________ Love, in the final analysis, is wisdom. --E.W. Kenyon

03-30-2008, 03:34 PM	#27 (permalink)
slavetoChrist Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Brookville, OH Posts: 895 Blog Entries: 2 Rep Power: 1	how little men and women understand each other. __________________ we know the way! we speak the truth! we live the life! cause He's the Lord!

03-30-2008, 10:33 AM	#25 (permalink)
Faithwoman Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: New York Posts: 317 Rep Power: 1	Man, you say it all in so simple words... Thanks! Me it takes paragraphs to get my feelings out.. Have a great one! Faithwoman

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