Dusty's Jokes - Page 53

Dusty · 07-05-2008, 04:36 PM

New living arrangements"

When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said.
"I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Sally has her own room.
But poor Mom is still in with Dad."

Dusty · 07-06-2008, 01:49 AM

I haven't checked 'snopes.com'to see if thisactually works or not;But I have heard,

If you ever get the sudden
urge to run around naked,

you should drink some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.

Ben · 07-06-2008, 02:22 AM

Two elderly brothers frequently attended a small church where they had the old pastor completely buffaloed. They cheated on their wives, stole money from nearly everyone, drank like fish and lied about just about everything.

One day the old pastor retired and a new young pastor took over. When he met the two old brothers he felt that something was amiss and sure enough he soon discovered the truth about them. The church began to rapidly grow and soon the pastor announced that the church was going to expand, and a building fund was started. Money trickled in but not nearly as fast as the young pastor would have liked. Then one of the old brothers died, and the surviving brother asked the pastor if he would preach the funeral. The pastor said yes, but he was not going to sugar coat the deceased's life. The brother said he had $500,000.00 for the building fund if the pastor would stand up and tell everyone at the funeral that his brother was a saint. The pastor thought about it for a moment and said to make out the check and give it to the church treasurer because he had a deal. Two days later at the funeral the pastor stood up and said "ladies and gentlemen, the man in that casket over there was a liar, a cheat, a thief, and an adulterer, he drank like a fish and was dishonest in nearly every business deal he ever made, but when compared to his brother seated over there, he was a saint."

Ben

Ben · 07-06-2008, 02:51 AM

There was an old church with a four story tall bell tower with a big beautiful bronze bell in it. Every Sunday the pastor would pull on the rope to ring the bell. One Sunday however the rope broke, so the pastor priced a new one and brought a request for a sizable check to replace it before the church board. They said money was tight and they felt that the church would do fine without ringing the bell. Years went by, the pastor retired and a new young pastor took over. One day he climbed up the rickety steps up to the bell tower, all four stories of it and discovered that beautiful bell, the one that not been rung in years. At the next board meeting, he asked why the bell was not ever rung and they told him the replacement rope was too expensive, but if he wanted to ring the bell it was OK with them but he had to ring it without any expensive rope.

The pastor put an ad in the paper that read "Wanted Church Bell Ringer" with his address and phone number. The next day he answers a knock at his door. An armless man is standing there and tells the pastor that he and his twin brother are both certified church bell ringers and he wants to apply for the job. The pastor sees that this guy is perfect for the job. The guy has no arms and the bell has no rope. They climb the four stories to the top of the bell tower and the armless man carefully inspects the bell and announces that this bronze bell was one of the best examples of that particular type of bell he had ever seen. He asks the pastor to dust off a spot, which he does. The armless man steps back about three paces, rushes forward and hits the bell with his face. The bell rings beautifully. The shocked pastor looks at the guy and asks him if he is OK. He says he has rung bells for years that way, ever since he lost his arms and asks the pastor to dust off another spot. The armless man backs up against the wooden bell tower railing in order to get as far from the bell as possible so he could ring it even louder. Unfortunately the rotten old rail gives way and the man plummets four stories to the concrete pavement below. The pastor calls 9-1-1 and rushes down the rickety steps just in time to see the EMT zipping up his bag. He says there was nothing that could be done for him and did the pastor know his name. The pastor replies "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

At the funeral the pastor notices a man standing over the casket weeping, so he steps up to console him and finds out it is the deceased brother's twin. He tells him he died doing what he loved, ringing a bell. The brother asks if he could possibly see the last bell his brother ever rung, so after the funeral they climb four stories to the bell. While stooping over to inspect the rotting wooden railing, the brother loses his balance and he plummets four stories to the pavement below. He calls 9-1-1 and again rushes down the steps only to find the same EMT zipping up his bag and proclaiming that he could do nothing for this gent either. He asks the pastor if he know his name, to which the pastor replies "I don't know his name but he is a dead ringer for his brother."

Ben

Dusty · 07-06-2008, 01:27 PM

Thanks Ben .... I love the first one. The brother must have got a shock.

He he

Dusty · 07-06-2008, 01:31 PM

"Computer skills"

A man decided to improve his computer skills, and threw myself into it with enthusiasm. Every week he would check out five or six instructional books from the library.
After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable by now."
"Thanks," he said. "How can you tell?"
The librarian explained, "Only two of the books you're checking out this week have 'FOR DUMMIES' in their titles."

Dusty · 07-07-2008, 02:41 PM

"Snakes"

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turned to the other and asked, "Are we poisonous?"
"Why yes we are," said the second.
Again the first snake asked, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes we are very poisonous."
Again the snake asked, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"

Mark_18 · 07-07-2008, 09:37 PM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bit my lip!!!

Dusty · 07-08-2008, 02:51 PM

....Kids

"Baby coming?"

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day his mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and cried, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Dusty · 07-08-2008, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark_18

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bit my lip!!!

Ha ha

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