Dusty's Jokes - Page 68

Dusty · 10-08-2008, 05:00 AM

"Late night visit"

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."

Mark_18 · 10-09-2008, 07:09 AM

lol! Wow.

woundedsoldierofCHRIST · 10-09-2008, 02:17 PM

Duck walks into a convinience store asks have you got any grapes clerk says no duck says thank you comes the next day says have you got any grapes clerk says no duck leaves comes back next day says do you have any grapes clerk says look youve been here twice alreadii told yyou we dont have grapes if you come here one more time im going to nail your webbed feet to the floor the duck says thank you comes back the next day says have youy got any nails clerk says no duck say giood have you got any grapes.

Dusty · 10-10-2008, 01:43 AM

EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 8, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management

Dusty · 10-10-2008, 03:33 PM

Guess the weight"

The Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but there was the only man who would venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," one woman beside him said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" she asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."

Dusty · 10-16-2008, 10:47 PM

WHY AM I MARRIED?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there
was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

Dusty · 10-18-2008, 09:02 PM

"Classifieds"

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Père Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Chopin and Jean de la Fontain.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

For Sale: parachute, used once, never opened, small stain.

Dusty · 10-20-2008, 08:32 PM

His first day in Orlando, an American was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
Being intrigued he asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw inOrlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it!
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.
He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over A merica and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call'.

Dusty · 10-23-2008, 04:54 AM

"Learning addition"

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Boanerges · 10-23-2008, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by woundedsoldierofCHRIST

Duck walks into a convinience store asks have you got any grapes clerk says no duck says thank you comes the next day says have you got any grapes clerk says no duck leaves comes back next day says do you have any grapes clerk says look youve been here twice alreadii told yyou we dont have grapes if you come here one more time im going to nail your webbed feet to the floor the duck says thank you comes back the next day says have youy got any nails clerk says no duck say giood have you got any grapes.

I like it!

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