Whirlwind

REAL CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS:

"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."

"Don't let worry kill you! Let the church help!"

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"For those of you who have children and didn't know it--we have a nursery downstairs."

"The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer."

"This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends."

"Tuesday at 4:00PM there will be an ice cream social. We're asking that all ladies giving milk please come early."

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers will meet privately with the Pastor in his study.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement every Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Pastor, about donating to a charity: "I upped my pledge. Up yours!"

Dusty

Whirlwind ....I like the one about the bean supper.

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Dusty

Old photos"

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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Dusty

"Free will"

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes".

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Dusty

"Friars"

There once was a group of Friars living on a mountain top, basically communing and doing the things that Friars do. It was discovered that the soil around their monastery was extraordinarily fertile, and many strange and amazingly wonderful plants and flowers grew in the area. The Friars decided to cultivate these plants and flowers and see what types of new plants they could come up with.
After a while, people heard about all the wonderous plant life the Friars were developing. They came from miles around to tour the Monastery area. The Friars, who were very business minded for a group of religious folk, decided to start charging the people money for the seeds and tours.
After a while, they made such a tremendous profit that they decided to drop religion all together and become very wealthy and materialistic, which seemed to be more noble (not to mention a lot more fun).
The Pope heard about this, and as the owner of the land, decided to send a priest out to talk the Friars back into their religious life. When the priest arrived, the Friars responded badly to his conversion attempts and slit the priest's throat. Needless to say, the Pope was very upset at the news, and decided he'd have to brings out the big guns. (No, I won't mention religious canons.)
The Pope decided to send Bishop Hue to settle the matter. Now Bishop Hue was known to have a very bad temper. He went to see the Friars, who tried to slit his throat, too. Bishop Hue defended himself, slaying all the Friars, burning the monastery to the ground, destroying all the plant life, and ruining the area for many, many years to come.
MORAL: Only Hue can prevent Florist Friars.

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Dusty

"Le/la computer"

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association.
For example: House is feminine-"la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men.
Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better one.

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Boanerges

"MORAL: Only Hue can prevent Florist Friars"-

Dusty

"Three tough rats"

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

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Dusty

More Ponderings"

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

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Boanerges

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?