Dusty's Jokes - Page 52

Dusty · 07-01-2008, 12:40 PM

Jeopardy! for Canucks "

It's well known that the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, is Canadian. I wonder how he'd react to a fellow Canadian contestant, though:
Canuck: "The Eiffel tower."
Trebek: "Please state your answer in the form of a question."
Canuck: "The Eiffel tower, eh?"

Boanerges · 07-01-2008, 12:43 PM

Fluffy · 07-01-2008, 06:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dusty

"Jump start"

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming and wondering, "What can she be doing?" A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions.

OH,OH,OH,OH!!!! TEEHEEHEEHAAAWW chortle *gasp*wheeze*!

Funniest one yet!

Dusty · 07-02-2008, 02:55 PM

Duh!!!!

"An Elephant's Memory"

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant. "I have turtle recall

Fluffy · 07-03-2008, 01:24 AM

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped,
Looking about 100 years old,
Pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
And asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies,' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars! '

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'
States the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window
And looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show
The old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot
In his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be
And suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the
doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator
And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
He gives it more gas,
And passes the Moped at 275 mph
And he's feeling pretty good until he loo ks in his
Mirror and sees the old man ga ining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
All the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
Bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out,
And there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows
Into the back of his Ferrari,
Demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably
The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.

Dusty · 07-03-2008, 01:31 AM

That's priceless. Fluffs

Dusty · 07-03-2008, 02:33 AM

You're going to say Oh No, at the end of this joke.

Painting the Porch
>

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first
house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
>
>
>"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"
>
>Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
>
>
>The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?"
>
>He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
>
>The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
>
>Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
>
>
>"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
>two coats."
>
>
>Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it
to her along with a ten dollar tip.
>
>
>"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Dusty · 07-03-2008, 12:57 PM

"Bad day fishing"

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy - She would prefer that for supper tonight."

Dusty · 07-04-2008, 12:50 PM

"Hot coffee"

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

Fluffy · 07-04-2008, 02:01 PM

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