Dusty's Jokes - Page 39

Dusty · 05-05-2008, 01:18 AM

"Car alarms"

A man was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when a noisy car alarm interrupted their conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" the man wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," his friend corrected him.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

Boanerges · 05-05-2008, 02:40 AM

- I will have to remember that!

Dusty · 05-05-2008, 12:08 PM

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally ! respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Boanerges · 05-05-2008, 12:29 PM

She would fit right in some neighborhoods I have been in!

Dusty · 05-06-2008, 07:18 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> > > Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
> > > preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like
> > > most women - - she loved to browse.
> > > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
> > > Wal-Mart.
> > > Dear Mrs. Samsel,
> > > Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
> >commotion
> > > in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
> >ban
> >
> > > both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
> > > below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
> > > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
> > > carts when they weren't looking.
> > > 2 . July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> >5-minute
> >
> > > intervals.
> > > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> > > women's restroom.
> > > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
> > > "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
> > > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
> > > layaway.
> > > 6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
> > > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
> > > shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
> >from
> >
> > > the bedding department.
> > > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
> > > and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
> > > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
> > > mirror while he picked his nose.
> > > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> >asked
> > > t he clerk where the antidepressants were.
> > > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
> > > the "Mission Impossible" theme.
> > > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look"
> >by
> >
> > > using different sizes of funnels.
> > > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
> > > yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
> > >
> > > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> > > assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
> > >
> > > And last, but not least.
> > >
> > > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
> > > then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
> >Regards,
> > > Tom Richards
> > > Wal-Mart Manager
> > >
>

Fluffy · 05-06-2008, 07:55 PM

Psalm91 · 05-06-2008, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dusty

"Car alarms"

A man was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when a noisy car alarm interrupted their conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" the man wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," his friend corrected him.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

lol...

Dusty · 05-07-2008, 12:43 PM

"Slow worker"

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure with the gate open. "Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

Psalm91 · 05-07-2008, 02:33 PM

lol....

Dusty · 05-08-2008, 11:56 AM

"Shopping trip"

A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, those cookies have one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of them on the way home," he replied.

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