To start, hi, I'm Jared; I'm 21. This is going to be long, but please help me, I'm desperate. If you start reading, please commit to reading the entirety. I've been a Christian my whole life. This is taking me so much courage to get this out into the open, because to every other normal person, I would be considered a freak of nature. (I seem "normal" on the outside...but my brain is a literal hurricane Katrina of pure bat-crazyness...) But I can't live alone with this anymore.
I have never been officially diagnosed, but I can tell that I have severe psychosis. On top of that, I was born gay. I had sex with a guy once, and I am completely ashamed of myself...I promised to God that I would never do it again, but that promise is just getting harder and harder to keep. I am almost sure that I will most likely break it at some point in the future. What if I mess up? I know the Bible states that if you believe in Jesus as savior, you will be saved. But it also says in another part that it's NOT by faith alone - you have to repent and stop sinning. But for me it's literally impossible. I'm addicted to porn, and I was like this ever since I was about 8. I have begged, and cried my eyes out to Jesus my whole entire life but I feel no change, I can't beat it because I am so insane in the head.
The Bible also states that the "afflicted" will be saved no matter what. Do you think I fall under that category? I'm certainly afflicted with something truly nasty and of the Devil. I want to be with God when I die more than anything in the world, and I don't want Him to cast me away from Him.
I REALLY want Him to love me with all his heart and tell me I don't have to worry anymore. That I don't have to live in fear of Hell. All I want is for Him to greet me with a hug and tell me it's over. I'm crying my eyes out as I type this...Trust me, I don't want to break my promise to God. It's the worst feeling in the world to betray God like that. It tears me APART. But the lust is just CRAZY...I have no sexual desire towards women whatsoever so I'm just boiling in lust for years upon years, unable to quench unless it's a guy.
Will Jesus save me knowing what I'm going through, knowing how much I want Him to cleanse my mind into sanity after death? I beg Jesus almost every single day. I really hope He understands and that the angels are rooting for me, please, someone help me
Also, I have experienced a few possible miracles in my life that could be God trying to maybe tell me something. Anyone who's reading, what do you think? I was once sent to the hospital fom a severe allergic reaction. It was so bad, my heart rate was at 285, and 300 is for sure death. The nurses said that I had a 1% chance to live and even told my mom that it was likely that I wouldn't pull through. You know it's bad when they come to that. I lived and they described it as the definition of a real miracle.
Not too much longer after that, I was crying into the bathroom mirror looking at myself, and I begged God to show me a sign. The NEXT night I was in my car playing my music through my phone, when it suddenly stopped working. Keep in mind that this is the only time it has ever stopped working for no reason. I unplugged, reset, etc. to no avail. So I turned on my radio instead. The first song that was on out of the millions and millions of possibilities, was called I'm God. At the end of the song, the person who states the name of the song said "...And that was I'm God." It was just so surreal...This was literally the night after I asked for a sign. You should look it up because it is really amazing. It's astoundingly beautiful and blissful. You will love it, guaranteed. It will truly touch your soul.
I also had a dream a few months ago of an old-fashioned projector showing random slides, and one popped up of Jesus on the cross and under it read "You are Saved." I immediately woke up with shock at that. I also had a dream a few months before that one where I was talking to Jesus in Heaven and it felt like real life.
I'm just so confused T_T
I have never been officially diagnosed, but I can tell that I have severe psychosis. On top of that, I was born gay. I had sex with a guy once, and I am completely ashamed of myself...I promised to God that I would never do it again, but that promise is just getting harder and harder to keep. I am almost sure that I will most likely break it at some point in the future. What if I mess up? I know the Bible states that if you believe in Jesus as savior, you will be saved. But it also says in another part that it's NOT by faith alone - you have to repent and stop sinning. But for me it's literally impossible. I'm addicted to porn, and I was like this ever since I was about 8. I have begged, and cried my eyes out to Jesus my whole entire life but I feel no change, I can't beat it because I am so insane in the head.
The Bible also states that the "afflicted" will be saved no matter what. Do you think I fall under that category? I'm certainly afflicted with something truly nasty and of the Devil. I want to be with God when I die more than anything in the world, and I don't want Him to cast me away from Him.
I REALLY want Him to love me with all his heart and tell me I don't have to worry anymore. That I don't have to live in fear of Hell. All I want is for Him to greet me with a hug and tell me it's over. I'm crying my eyes out as I type this...Trust me, I don't want to break my promise to God. It's the worst feeling in the world to betray God like that. It tears me APART. But the lust is just CRAZY...I have no sexual desire towards women whatsoever so I'm just boiling in lust for years upon years, unable to quench unless it's a guy.
Will Jesus save me knowing what I'm going through, knowing how much I want Him to cleanse my mind into sanity after death? I beg Jesus almost every single day. I really hope He understands and that the angels are rooting for me, please, someone help me
Also, I have experienced a few possible miracles in my life that could be God trying to maybe tell me something. Anyone who's reading, what do you think? I was once sent to the hospital fom a severe allergic reaction. It was so bad, my heart rate was at 285, and 300 is for sure death. The nurses said that I had a 1% chance to live and even told my mom that it was likely that I wouldn't pull through. You know it's bad when they come to that. I lived and they described it as the definition of a real miracle.
Not too much longer after that, I was crying into the bathroom mirror looking at myself, and I begged God to show me a sign. The NEXT night I was in my car playing my music through my phone, when it suddenly stopped working. Keep in mind that this is the only time it has ever stopped working for no reason. I unplugged, reset, etc. to no avail. So I turned on my radio instead. The first song that was on out of the millions and millions of possibilities, was called I'm God. At the end of the song, the person who states the name of the song said "...And that was I'm God." It was just so surreal...This was literally the night after I asked for a sign. You should look it up because it is really amazing. It's astoundingly beautiful and blissful. You will love it, guaranteed. It will truly touch your soul.
I also had a dream a few months ago of an old-fashioned projector showing random slides, and one popped up of Jesus on the cross and under it read "You are Saved." I immediately woke up with shock at that. I also had a dream a few months before that one where I was talking to Jesus in Heaven and it felt like real life.
I'm just so confused T_T
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