it is quite complex to understand me i wouldnt be surprised if i didnt get my question across, im very confused and i cannot possibly write in a clear manned all of what im feeling right now, i am in love with a girl and the situation is complex i have this attitude that is very negative and i know someone who id like to be like hes one of my friends but hes just so happy and has confidence in everything he seems to not need god at all i dont think he prays much since he does says words like "damn" often, i used to say them alot too but i try to not do it since i really dont know and am very confused since i wish i was him i wish i had gotten that girl he got which is the girl i am in love with, it hurts much and their both virgins but im sure hes gonna want it and she might just give it to him, it makes me sad to know they enjoy life so much while im here wandering what life is and what im here for, i believe in god alot but lately alot of things like this have been putting me down, ive considered killing myself many times, specially at night when i close my eyes and see them both together partying and having fun enjoying sex and being young, its dificult for me because i doubt god existence but i deny to him not existing i refuse to think life is nothing but an accident, theres a comet coming on novemver its name its ison, im big on space i like the world and thinking what its about (i think alot) i think i will do it when ison comes i want to go to a mountain (i live a few miles from them) climb it and just chill there talking to the big guy, telling him my sorrows and asking for some sign, i just wanna die there i will wait for m life to deplete as i watch over the city and listen to my music and enjoy of something ive never done before, as i watch ison,i dont get what he sees in me millions of eggs could have gotten my life in my place and i had to come out, me a piece of crap who doesnt know anything and is sensitive, i wish i was like my friend tough and just different i wish i had friends and confidence in me, sometimes i wander why the world cant be like "tomorrowland" everyone loving each other and filled up with uplifting music and dance all around yes most of them might be o ecstsy but at least the dopamine is at work not like in my miserable brain, all i have is a connection with my dreams and he stars and some stupid faith and doubt in something i dont know what to believe in anyymore.