covenant4

I would like to ask for opinions about this situation. I am new here but I think it looks like a place for this problem.

We, as Christian parents, have a Christian son that is an only-child. Our son married a Christian girl that has a 4-year-old son from a previous marriage. His wife got pregnant and they expect their first child together. As first-time grandparents, we are delighted when she told us she was one month pregnant. We asked the D-I-L if there was anything she needed for our first grandchild. She said she had everything she needed from the son from her first marriage, except for a $250 collapsible stroller system that she saw in a thrift store. I offered to buy if for them and sent a check to the daughter-in-law right away.

We live 700 miles apart, but nothing appeared to have been bought during 3 visitations during the remaining 8 months before the birth. With each vast we asked if anything new had been bought for the upcoming baby. "No, I don't really need anything, I have everything I need or can borrow what I need" is the answer given. We thought that perhaps she was waiting until after the baby was born. So we waited.

The baby was born. No stroller had yet been bought for 3 months after the birth. Upon inquiring about there being no stroller, the D-I-L evasively said that the money was put into “a” bank account. Upon further inquiry, it came out that it was put into the son from a previous marriage’s college education fund. (As a part of her divorce settlement, her ex-husband is primarily responsible for his son’s college fund because she does not work.) We had been asked to contribute to the fund a month before she found out that she was pregnant but said that, since it was not our grandchild and her ex-husband was responsible for his education, we would prefer that they use any of the inheritance that will be left to them after we die. (As an only child he gets everything.)

We felt that it was a misuse of the agreed upon use of the money as it was given for a specific item that was in a certain thrift shop so it couldn’t have been bought by us and then shipped to her. The daughter-in-law says that since other things needed to be bought after the baby was born - like formula, diapers and swings etc she/they feel that it shouldn't make any difference if the stroller wasn’t bought with the money or that it was put into her son’s college fund. The son agrees with the wife. The D-I-L never discussed the college fund deposit with us and was evasive about it when asked.

We felt that it was inappropriate to use it in the manner in which it was used because the money was given for our first grandchild - not the daughter-in-laws son that was not related to us at all even though we adore him and do not treat him any differently. To him, we are his grandparents too and do buy him many gifts. It would have been entirely different if the D-I-L had said, “Gee, I really don’t need that stroller after all. Do you mind if I keep it until after the baby is born for things we need then?”

We are being treated as though we were wrong for expecting it to be used for what it was agreed upon but we don’t feel as though we were wrong for expecting her to keep her word. To us it is a matter of trust and honesty. When we give money to missions, we know in advance they are going to use it for whatever they deem necessary, but we still expect them to use it for missions’ purposes – not for a luxury vacation to the Bahamas. That would be a misuse of the intent of the giver.

As a side note, I want to add that my D-I-L has ADHD and is mild bi-polar. For those who don’t know, it is a disorder that causes one to say things and to do things impulsively – good or bad. She is not mentally incompetent. In fact, she is quite intelligent and knows right from wrong. We are learning how to deal with the disorder and there have been numerous “odd” behaviors that we have set aside but we decided that this one needed to be brought out into the open. We have told her that we don’t want the money back but they don’t believe that we should expect at least an apology for it and we are very disappointed that they feel differently.

Overall, she is a very good mother, a very good wife and we are delighted at that.

What do you think?

Struick

That's a great plus point and if I was faced with this situation I would let the "stroller-thing" go. You pointed it out to them how you think about it. That should be enough and it's not worth the hassle to mess up a otherwise good situation for some money.

You also said she has ADHD, a disorder, which you should probably take in consideration.

Love them, pray for them and enjoy both grandchildren.

Boanerges

Amen to brother Struick, although I am sure your feelings were hurt by the situation if you look at it from a larger perspective the money isn't worth damaging your families relationship over. If you aren't comfortable with the way the money was handled then next time it would be wise to send the gift (stroller or whatever) and this could stop any confusion or hard feelings.
Most importantly forgive your daughter-in law and in doing so your peace will be restored!

M. Reborn

Welcome to this forum, covenant4. Your post is quite interesting. How you respond to the circumstances surrounding the gift you gave, needs careful consideration.

There are some positives and negatives in the situation. Positives are: you have a Christian daughter-in-law; you have a new grandchild that you love; you have a step-grandchild by way of the d-i-l, and you apparently like him; your son has a good wife; your grandchild has a good mother; the d-i-l doesn't appear to be the materialistic type and doesn't expect a lot from you; and the money hasn't been spent, so it is still available in time of real need.

Negatives are: you were deceived (either deliberately or thoughtlessly, by the d-i-l); your new grandchild didn't get the gift you intended; your d-i-l is not as dependable as you thought; it cost you $250 to learn all this.

I believe this is a very significant fact in the situation. Your response is as pertinent to your son as to your d-i-l, and your son agrees with his wife. In marriage, the two of them have become a union, they are one, and it is satisfying to see such agreement between them about their decisions.

Also, don't regard your daughter-in-law's disorder too lightly. She will need some extra understanding.

It seems to me the positives outweigh the negatives and you may want to let the matter rest. I suspect your Christian nature is telling you that too. I agree with others who have responded, that peace and cordiality within the family are more valuable than the $250. Enjoy your "daughter" and your new grandchildren as fine additions to your Christian family.

Pastor Gary

Hi, Covenant4: While lessons are learned each day by most everyone, there are some that are much more important than others. Understanding and forgiveness are Christian attribues that we all possess. The previous marriage for your daughter-in-law may have included some physical or mental abuse that you are not aware of. Insecurity and self doubt from a failed marriage, especially if abuse was present, can manifest itself into the types of behavior that you have witnessed outside the symptoms of ADHD. Understanding and support is your best course of action.

If you wish to do something nice for your new grandbaby, put whatever you can afford each month is a safe and secure CD account at your financial institution. If you place only $40.00 per month in that grandbaby's account, by age 18 there will be over $10,000 in that account taking interest rates into consideration.

Hope that all the suggestions here in the postings have given you some insight. God bless.

__________________
Pastor Gary

Administrative Pastor and
Certified Chaplain Responder -
Alabama, Florida, Michigan, Tennessee and Wisconsin.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mark

Covenant4,

Matters of maney can be difficult. You will need to forgive her, but that does not mean you have to trust her from this point forward. I realize that trust may be difficult.

One way to "let go" of this is to understand the difference between "owning" and being a "steward" of God's money. God has made you steward of His money. But ultimately, she did not misuse your money, but God's. For a greater understanding of this concept you can read an article by Randy Alcorn found here: http://thriftytimes.com/index.php?op...sk=view&id=131

May God give you peace!

__________________
Mark Strohm, Jr.
Thrifty Times

Theophilus

covenant4,

What they (son and daughter in law) wanted and expected was complete acceptance of her, her child and their marriage. You fell short in that .

Their asking for this money was not about responcibility. It was about you fully accepting their child by marriage as your grandchild. And you did not do that.


I know this may be hard to accept and I hope doesn't offend you but even though you think you don't, you do treat the two children differantly. Your statement above shows that even in your denile of it. You refer to their first as her son and the second as your grandchild.

Can you see that in the bolded and underlined part of your statement????

You have first failed to accept their first child fully as your grandchild and then showed favortism for the second (your natural grandchild).

Let's take a lesson from the bible for this .

As gentiles we are not by blood the sons and daughters of our father in heaven .But through the marriage of Christ His only begotten son to the church (His bride) we are adopted(accepted unconditionaly and fully with a full inhertance as His children.

Your son and daughter in law want all their children to be able to equaly and truthfully be able call you their grandparents. Do you realize what an honor that is??? For her(the daughter in law )to say to to the whole world. These two people are my childrens grandparents over and above what ever natural family her first might have?????
Do you realize just how important it is to them ,to you , to Jesus, to our father in heaven that you do this??????


Rom 8:15 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

Rom 8:23 And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.

Rom 8:17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

Gal 3:29 And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.

Eph 3:6 That the Gentiles should be fellow heirs, and of the same body, and partakers of his promise in Christ by the gospel:

What your son and daughter in law want is for you to accept their first by marriage as your first grandchild with full inheritance as the second child is by blood.
Can you do this?????
If you can then tell them you accept their desission and ask were to place the same amount into an account for their second born.
And continue as though both are truey your heirs as the father has accepted us as heirs in the kingdom of heaven through the marriage of Jesus to the church.

covenant4

Theophious,

It seems as though you have inaccurately focused on an unnecessary aspect of my post when you say;

I made a point of making it clear that we most definately do accept him as our grandson.

I also stated that our own son was adopted. We most definately love him just as much as if he were born of our seed. We are well aware of the fact that blood lines means absolutely nothing to God whatsoever. (That was the downfall of the Jews.)

My sole purpose of making it clear that reason that we had decided to not contribute to her son's college education fund was because; it was already being taken care of by her first husband. She only had to contribute if she worked or as she saw fit. Others that were also contributing to it were; her parents and his parents. In all fairness, it was our grandchild that was going to need us to take care of her education because she had fewer people contributing to it.

I also made it clear in my post that "we would prefer that they use any of the inheritance that will be left to them after we die." What they do with that inheritance is their choice. If they choose to give her son a Harvard education with it that fine. To us, it was the better way to handle the college issues.

This was our first grandchild from our son. We had been through numerous joyous occassions with him and this was the most joyous event of all since the day we brought him home. That gift was to be for that grandchild alone and for that specific occassion.

We would have felt just as upset if we had bought a birthday present for her and she sold it to put the money into the college fund for her son instead.

And that was the essence of the whole post - dishonesty and deception. It should not matter how much money was involved. God does not condone dishonesty and deception.

covenant4

Theophilus

Sorry. . . But it isn't that clear in your posting.