Banarenth

Alright, I admit it. I lack confidence. Not in God, but in myself. In my mission, in my calling. I come from a "rock" lifestyle background. Actually, more specifically, I was a goth. Studies Wicca, but refused to actually be involved in any rituals. Not because it was against my religion, but because I was against religion in any form. So, one day, I went back to church. Not because I wanted to. Not because I was seeking God, but because I had nowhere else to go. I had hit what I thought was rock bottom. My wife left me, I was alone in the world. I needed to be around people. I wanted to be around "good" people. My goth friends were depressing, and I couldn't take much more depression without taking a really, really bad step. So I went to church. I did my best to blend in. I hid. I wore a tie. I even went out and bought some "normal" clothes so I could fit in. Then...God found me. And I mean, he REALLY found me. It was unavoidable. I don't know why I got up and went to the altar except that I couldn't NOT go. I had to, I couldn't stop myself. I barely remember the trip.

After that, I realized that while I had left the church years ago, and even left the ministry (I was in seminary at the time), I never had a real walk with God. Yeah, I prayed. I went to church, tithed, and everything else that the Bible tells me to do...except love God. It wasn't until that day that I had a real desire to walk with God, love God. On that day, I realized that I wanted nothing more in this world than to walk closer to God. But here is where my dilema started. As I got closer to God, I realized that the way I was dressing wasn't "me". It was a disguise, designed so that I would blend in. So, I felt compelled to change my clothing style again. Back to the way I had always dressed before. I didn't understand why. I fought it. My church doesn't believe in dressing in any non-conservative way. So, I cautiously began dressing like "myself" again. And I spoke with the music director about joining the praise team. He asked me if I could play the guitar, and I said I could practice it. I have tried for years to learn guitar, but the best I could ever do was pluck a few chords (badly) and required a LOT of time between them. I didn't understand the guitar, it was unlike any instrument I ever played before, but I had faith. I had faith to use the money I had saved for my divorce on a guitar. Not an expensive one, just one I liked that would "get me by". Got it home and plucked at it for a few days. I showed up for rehearsal completely convinced this was the worst idea I had ever had in my life. I STILL hadn't figured out how to play the thing. I knew three chords, and I had a LOT of trouble switching between them. I certainly didn't know how to play melodies and didn't even know which notes were on which strings. Which made what the music director told me sound even more insane. He put me on LEAD. And you know what, I played it. I played it during practice and I played it during the following service, and have continued doing so ever since.

So, here I am, and ex-goth Christian with a great desire to reach the unreachable. But, I still dress in black a lot, actually most of the time. You could ask anyone at my church and they would swear to you I've only been there for about 4 months, even though it's been closer to a year now. But, I still didn't understand the reason I felt like I was supposed to dress like this still. And the closer my walk with God was, the MORE I wanted to dress like this. And while it's easy for me to say that I enjoy it, it's really too much work for me these days. Especially since I feel like I have to continually justify it with various laymen around the church who don't approve of my look. And yet, it has opened up more ministering opportunities than I can count. I've had people approach me and talk to me that never talk to ANYONE in church because their parents force them to come. I've been approached a number of times to speak at youth rallies and even supstitute teach in the youth and college-level Sunday School classes, as well as verious other functions around the church and elsewhere.

A few weeks later, I was speaking with a friend about our "callings". He knew that I felt the desire to spread the Word, but didn't know the direction that was going to take me. But this time I answered him with a confidence I never knew I was capable of. I told him, "I'm gonna form a Christian band. We are going to travel all over to places that other ministries cannot reach. As a matter of fact, I'm so confident that this is what God wants for me, that I'm not even going to LOOK for a band. He will bring them to me." I'm still shocked at how confidently I said that, even moreso when I was approached a week later by a keyboardist that wanted to organize a Christian Praise band to travel around and minister through music. While we were setting up some practice time, other people overheard us, and before we left church that morning we had two singers, a bass, drums, keyboards, and my guitar.

But last Sunday, I was loosing confidence in my mission. I was concerned about the example I was setting. I was worried that other's wouldn't understand me, that other's wouldn't realize that I was really a Christian. Once again, I got more concerned with what "others" thought than with what God has planned for me. So...I dressed "normal". It was only for one Sunday morning service, but I dressing in a normal shirt and a normal tie with normal pants and everything. Here is where I really failed. A father had been telling his son about me. About my testimony. About how going to church doesn't mean that you HAVE to dress special, or pretend to be someone you aren't. He had been working on his son for years trying to get him to come to church. He used me as an example. He told his son how this church will not treat him like an outcast, because every week they allow someone up on the platform that doesn't dress in a suit, that has earrings, even makeup sometimes. So his son agreed to meet with us after church. Of course, I was dressed normal, and of course, he just scoffed.

Now I have to trust God that there will still be another chance, but this is the second time I missed a great opportunity just to open the door for someone who equates church with self-righteousness and intolerance. This was the second time that I failed to follow what I feel is my calling and gave in to my concern for what other people think about me. Jesus said "Be Holy as I am Holy". Is holiness a strict adherance to traditional and legalness or is holiness simply sinlessness? Should I care what others think about the way I dress? Have I been decieved in my own understanding of this? I can understand if I've been decieved, but my worry is really the reason WHY I stop doing what I do. If I dressed normal because of a conviction or desire to please God, then I wouldn't have this problem. But the only reason I ever dress normal is because of human influence and the fact that I'm simply not good at defending myself when questioned or attacked. Fear prevents me from doing great things, and I want to loose that fear.

kateyk12

you are not the first to second guess yourself and get a slap on the wrist for it. don't feel bad. just learn the lesson.

as far as wearing black to church, think of johnny cash after he recieved Christ in his heart in place of drugs and booze. he always said he wore black for those still oppressed, not because he was a depressed person.

the first few times I went to church, I felt uncomfortable because I couldn't afford to go out and buy dresses for the occasion. but, eveyone there treated me the same as everyone else. look at the bright light shining from their soul. if it isn't there, it doesn't really matter what they think.

Banarenth

I'm not really beating myself up about it anymore. The pastor of my church is really supportive and understands my purpose. In not "changing" my appearance when I was saved, I have stood behind my beliefs of who I am, and proven that you CAN be a Christian and a Goth. If I never witness to a single person, those that know me, now have the opportunity to witness to other Goths and not try to "change" them, only convert them. If they feel led to change, then it's good for them, though I might wonder if they were really goths to begin with. Thanks for the encouragement.

Jeff

God sees your heart Banarenth, not your appearance. You have a wonderful testimony and therefore you should not doubt at all. Sometimes I do but then I look back and think how Jesus helped me.

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there is nothing too hard for God
Jermiah 32:27