Originally Posted by Boanerges

I gave my daughter something similar to this:
http://www.selfdefensegearco.com/stunmaster775.htm

Originally Posted by Boanerges

I gave my daughter something similar to this:
http://www.selfdefensegearco.com/stunmaster775.htm

Originally Posted by BookWorm

My daughter is not quite old enough to hit the dating stage, but I will share with you some things that I went through as a young girl and also some things that I believe about dating now that I am an adult (and based upon my own experiences).

I grew up in a very conservative Christian home. My parents did the whole "purity ring" and promise thing. They had a magic age (16) that dating was allowed, and a rule that anyone I dated must pick me up at the door and talk to them before taking me out. Well, age 16 came and I went on one date. It was horrible. I was completely embarrassed at the way they brought him in and grilled him. I was dating him, not marrying him. We went to a movie and it was horrible. He laughed at the movie the entire time and I thought it was the dumbest thing I had ever seen. When he took me home, I got out of his vehicle and got inside as fast as I could. I never dated him again. After that I never dated at all for a while. I knew of other girls whose parents had similar rules and they would do things such as sneaking out on dates because they wanted to avoid the parental inquisition. Not too long later, I went on a date, he passed the whole 20 questions game with my parents, and on the date I discovered that he and I had nothing in common. We argued the entire time about religion. I decided I had no interest in ever seeing him again, but even still he sent me a letter in the mail. My parents opened it and read it before I even knew it existed. In it, he said he had a great time on the date and proceeded to write about what things he wanted to do on our second date. When I came home from school that day, my parents were waiting for me quite accusatory and assuming that everything he wrote was true. It was a horrible experience. The worst ever. Especially because none of it was true, I disliked the guy, and had no intention of ever seeing him again. I never even understood why he would write such a letter. I never saw the letter. I only knew that I was being accused of horrible false things. After that, I realized that my parents did not trust me and even if I told the truth I was considered to be a liar. Now, some of you might say that my parents probably had good reasons to not trust me-- and you would be wrong. I was one of those kids growing up that was "perfect" and I never did anything wrong ever. I really was. The way I was treated by my parents affected me so deeply that I spiraled into a deep depression. I lost interest in everything. I stopped eating. I stopped participating in sports, church, activities, etc. I stopped caring about myself or what I did. It was the darkest time in my life and lasted for about 8 years.

I am telling these things because I think that sometimes parents mean well, but can go overboard in trying to protect their children. At some point you have to just let go and give them over to God. You have to trust them and trust that you raised them right. You have to trust God that he will protect them. You have to be available to them for guidance. You have to be open to them to be able to come and talk to you. I strongly believe in abstinence, as do all of you, but what happens if your daughter did mess up and suddenly get pregnant? Wouldn't you want her to be able to feel she can talk to you and confess her sin-- or would you rather she hide it and then stuff the baby in a trash bag when it is born because of her fear of disappointing you? It happens all the time in our country.

All of that being said, I think it is important that parents are open and honest with their children about dating, sex, etc. I think that a father should be his daughter's first date-- who better for her to learn about dating from than her own father. I lived one place where these fathers wold take their daughters (young girls beginning at age 5) out for valentine's day in order to model for her what a proper date is like. It was the sweetest thing to see. Believe it or not, but girls are more likely to become promiscuous when the father is absent in the home (and absent can also mean physically present, yet emotionally absent from her life). Thirdly, I think that parents need to learn to let go and trust. By trusting, I certainly don't mean letting her loose int he world and saying "have fun." I mean that if she comes to you and says that a boy asked her out, then talk to her about her decision to date this boy and trust that she will make wise choices. Forget about 20 questions: is he a christian, are his parents christians, does he go to church, what church, etc. Yes, those things are important, but asking them makes it more like a drill and may also place your child in a position to lie because one wrong answer means no date. How about asking her "what things about this boy do you like?" "Tell me about this boy (open ended question) and the things he does that gets your attention." "Why do you want to go on a date with this particular boy?" Ask questions like these that help you learn about the boy without her feeling pressured to answer things correctly. Let her decide if she wants to date him. Pray with her that she makes the right choice. Let her know that it is okay to say "no" to him if she chooses not to date him.

Anyhow, I am rambling. How about group dates? Those are usually more safe for girls at younger ages. Tell her you would rather she not start dating solo yet, but if she and some friends (mixed gender friends) want to go bowling then you would be more than happy to drop them off. Yes-- drop them off! Not stay and baby-sit. It's the trust thing again.

In this day and age, give her a cell phone to call if she needs anything. Tell her if it isn't going well and she wants you to come get her where ever she is then she can call and you will be there. Tell her if at any time she feel uncomfortable, call. If at anytime he tries to push her into anything she is not ready for-- call...and call 911 if necessary. If she just wants to go into the bathroom and chat during the date -- call. etc.

Originally Posted by adoptivemommy

Hi BookWorm! First, where in Texas are you? I'm in the Dallas-FortWorth area. Second I just wanted you to know how thoroughly I enjoyed reading your answer. I truly think you hit the nail right on the head. I have 2 little girls myself and I am right up there with you in trusting that we raised them right and that God has them in His hand! I didn't grow up in a Christian home and my parents never trusted me at all! No matter what I did or said they were suspicious and inquisitive. I felt horrible and I grew up with no self-esteem whatsoever and I doubted myself all the time. It took God a long time to get me off that mary-go-round and teach me to trust Him and trust myself with Him. So, now that I am a parent myself and, thank God, healed and with some self-esteem, I am praying a lot about what kind of parent I will be to these girls. Needless to say, I agree with everything you said. I am so glad to see that, even though you had such a bad time of it for quite a long time, the Lord changed you and loved you into wholeness and now you have quite a lot of wisdom to share! That's a testimony!

Laura

Originally Posted by Roger B

Bookworm,

I am sorry to hear about your bad experience. It sounds as if your teen years were not very good. However, I do not agree with allowing a teen to begin making decisions completely for herself. I believe they still need a parents guidance and discipline.